Happy New Year! Nobody shot their foot off in my neighborhood this year. In fact, if they did, I probably didn�t hear it. At 12:01 a.m. I was heading to my bed. Thanks, Zyprexa!
Sometimes I wish I could spend another New Year�s Eve in New Orleans, that was FUN, but alas, I�m at home. Sigh.
At midnight, I wasn�t kissing a Norwegian lawyer named Sven, but instead, my daughter Jacquelyn. Somehow, kissing my little girl is more fulfilling these days. I always tell Jackie anyway that she has the �best kisses in the world.�
I am more excited about this year than I�ve ever been. This will be the first one where I didn�t cry New Years Eve because I felt so alone. The last few New Year�s Eve�s were so dang depressing. I�m glad I didn�t feel alone this year. That was nice. We didn�t go anywhere exciting, we just stayed at home at watched some TV.
Mainly, I did a few more makeovers on my sister. She�s having a hard time deciding what her colors are. She�s been wearing bronzes and gold�s for so long and it looks DATED because they�re not updated bronzes and gold�s! Too glittery and not shimmery at all. So, I fixed her up nice with some modern Mary Kay colors from my palette. She looks very nice in the new look.
Yesterday, my Uncle Dan came to visit. It was nice to see him. I showed him my new bumper sticker that I bought from Parents of Murdered Children. At first I thought he was put off by it. He asked me, �What�s the number for?�
�Well,� I said, �People that are going through what we went through can call that number. The operator will look up resources for crime victims and their families in their local area so they can get counseling.�
�Oh,� he said, hesitating. �Well, if you run across another one, please get one for me. I�ll be glad to take it.� He smiles. Oh, well that was unexpected. But I will definitely get him one. Often times, people are sort of ashamed to admit that homicide has touched their families. I think, we�re not the ones who should be ashamed, but it happens anyway. So, I put the bumper sticker on my car so that people will see it and maybe be able to help themselves or someone else.
Gee, I just thought of something. A lot of my family has been visiting the past couple weeks.
Weird. I�ve been seeing them a lot lately.
My sister and her husband are gone. (gone) They left this morning to go back to Florida. Sweet Mr. Sweatpants got up at 3:30 a.m. to take them to the airport. God bless him. I might have to give him a big hug for that.
Though usually I�m sad when my sister�s leave, I feel like having my sister Melinda here revitalized my spirit. I think by having her here, I�ve unearthed a part of me that has been hibernating for a long while. I think part of me went into hiding when I left the Navy. The joyful me.
The positive me. The thankful me. The me that realizes how blessed I am that God let me live through that experience 22 years ago. I don�t always feel lucky to be alive, but maybe I should. I wouldn�t give up holding my daughter, kissing her little cheeks, for anything. I guess I should think of the alternative when I get tired of living.
I�m going to miss my sister. Having her here really made me happy. We always laugh, and she always laughs at my jokes. Even when she�s mad at me, she tries to be nice. Which is more than I can say for myself. When I�m mad, I have been known to be sarcastic. Or worse, I sit and sulk. I�m such a baby sometimes. And I get mad at Jackie for acting like a 6 year old?
I tried to make every day count when Mindy and Rick were here. Though I was frustrated most of the time because I could not possibly take them to all the places they wanted to go, I felt like I did my best to accommodate them. Unfortunately for us, I didn�t have any leave time available to take them to the Arch, but they did get to see friends and family. They went bowling and played pool. It was nice.
My attitude has changed since they came. I�m realizing that I am easily suggestible sometimes. I�m also realizing now how important it is to surround yourself with positive influences. I think I�ve been swayed by the negative for way too long.
My sister and I have always said, �see the positive, and make a change where you can get rid of the negative.� I guess, we�re saying, � Live by your own words! If you hate your life, make a change! It�s your life.�
Having my sister here for a couple weeks was a huge blessing to me. On one hand, we got on each other�s nerves sometimes. That�s nothing new. On the other, she often reminded me of the positive side of things. I hadn�t even realized that I was dwelling on the negative, a lot! Something else I�ve learned from my sister is that just because you see the positive in a situation doesn�t mean you aren�t realistic. I guess it�s all in the way you look at things, the way you look at life.
I think that since the DNA stuff started, I�ve sort of been a �glass half-empty� type person.
I don�t want to be like that anymore. It�s a miserable existence.
If you�re always looking for the storm clouds, you may never see the rainbows. I�ve been scanning my horizons for storm clouds for so long that I�ve forgotten exactly what it is about my life that I love. I love being a strong single woman who doesn�t need a guy (but who wants a guy). I love being able to come and go as I choose. I love watching whatever TV shows Jackie and I want, and I love not having to watch sports unless Mr. Sweatpants comes by. I love living in a nice complex with nice neighbors who watch Jackie sometimes so that I can have a moment of peace.
I love my daughter immensely. I enjoy her, and like her. I see that she is a unique little girl, and I accept that she�s a bit off-kilter like myself. I like my daughter�s spunky attitude.
I love my animals. My rats, my gerbils and my mean, smelly hamster named Fred.
Though I don�t love my body, I thank God that it works, that I can walk and move and pick up things. I appreciate that my body�s had a hard way to go and yet each day I rise again to face a new day.
I was happier as a positive person. None of us have �charmed� lives really, but I felt if anything that I was cursed and had a �jinxed� existence. I didn�t feel lucky to have survived. I know I won�t always feel lucky to have lived. But I think about my mom and wonder if she�d gladly come back to live among us if she could. I know how I feel about my daughter and can only guess that�s how momma was too. I can�t imagine not being here to take care of my Jackie.
To have life is to be blessed. To feel, to taste, to touch, is to be blessed. Blessed by whatever higher power you believe in. Because life is a gift.
Blessed be.
I have a friend who had that tattooed on the back of her neck. I think about what it says. I think, maybe she�s on to something. I know it�s a saying among our Wiccan friends and it�s possible maybe I don�t get it. But I think that for everything there is a reason, a motive, something maybe even that we can�t see. But Blessed Be. Blessed be is a calming mantra. I like it.
Blessed be this New Year. Here are a few of my resolutions:
Please let me be guided more by my heart, except when my heart may deceive me, and then, let me use my head, which will still take input from my heart, but in the end I�ll be able to do what is smart, for me.
Please let me learn to say no sometimes and not take on more than I can handle. Please let me learn to do things for the good of my daughter and I. Let me please consider more the impact on her before I make decisions.
Please let me learn to budget my money more wisely. Please help me to pay my bills on time and please help me to put away some money, for a rainy day.
Please let me care about my job more. No, it�s not my dream job. But it pays the bills and that I need to be thankful for. In this economy, I�m really lucky to have a good paying job. Please let me put a bit more effort into my work.
Hee. This is a long list!
I�d like to judge less. This year, I�ve been a bit prideful. I�ve judged others and have not been always fair and certainly I�ve held a few of those I love to an unfair standard.
I shall write more letters, and answer the phone more often instead of letting the machine always get it. By the time I get around to calling people back, I�m on the phone all night. I hate to be on the phone all night.
I shall try to find a non-judgmental, open-minded, church to attend. I�ve been thinking about going Episcopalian, and it�s time to investigate. I want to go to church in a place where people are welcomed and not judged. We are not fit to judge anyone, but people forget that. I want to go to a friendly church.
I shall be nicer to my friends because after all, they were there for me this year.
I will confront my fears and face them. It seems when I turn my back on things, they just snowball. So, I shall take a look in myself and see what fears need facing.
However, I�m not sure I�ll EVER be ready to fly again. Sorry. I�m no miracle worker.
I will be more assertive.
I shall try to exercise a bit more and smoke less. I will be more mindful of what I�m putting into my body.
Hee. I�m making a really long list. I like lists. I should make more.
Ha.
I�m debating on when I�m going to take down my Christmas tree. Part of me can�t wait to free up the space in my living room. Another part of me thinks I will become a tad depressed because my sister is gone and Christmas is over. I�m a big girl. I can make it.
I feel positive about this year, so maybe I�m just going to have to live like it. I�m not leaving my tree up until Valentine�s Day ever again!
09:39 - Friday, Jan. 02, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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