I�m groggy and bored. I�m moody and crabby. Sarcastic. I�m sorry about that, you guys. I used to be funny.
My coworker Royce picked up on my depression today. All week she�s been casting these furtive, concerned glances my way and I�ve been ignoring it.
�You seem a little�sad, lately� She said this while picking up her coat to go to lunch. That�s so sweet of her to notice even though I�ve tried very hard this week to be peppy. She is a bit perceptive. Is it that obvious? She doesn�t seem to believe I�m bipolar anyway. She feels the doctor misdiagnosed me and the medicine isn�t right either. Of course, she hasn�t seen me going through my manic and my depressed states so she probably feels she is right.
The manic me is a bit charming and eccentric. I�m sure when I�m manic I come across as a spiritually warm person, full of love and life. It�s a fa�ade. Most people don�t know that. It�s not real.
I want my life back. It used to at least be fun. If nothing else, I could always find the humor in the situation.
I need more funny in my day. I think that with all that�s happened this year, that my sense of humor has went the way of the dinosaurs. I used to be such a funny person that I actually cracked up at my own jokes.
I don�t know what happened to Missy.
I guess I need to give props to Zyprexa, my bipolar medicine, for taking away any trace of funny or personality that I had left after all this crap happened this year. I must also thank the manufacturer of Zyprexa, which is Lilly.
Thank you for making me a real walking stiff; my muscles and joints are stiff a lot, so I walk like I�m trying to keep from pooing in my pants. Oh, and thanks for making me crave carbs so I really can become as big as a house by eating myself into oblivion (bring on the ho-ho�s) or at least so fat that I will have to turn sideways to make it through the front door at my apartment. When I go shopping, I will have to buy cammy-flage tents instead and make muumuus so that I have clothes to wear.
Oh, and triple thanks for making me so damn tired sometimes that I can�t carry on a conversation with even my six year old. This must be what it feels like to have Alzheimer�s. I know the words, but I can�t think of them. And then I forget what I�m talking about. This is really the way to be; don�t ya�ll think so too?
I�d almost rather be majorly manic and up for 3 days than boring. Why do I have to sacrifice my personality so that I can have stability? Sheesh.
This sucks camel butt.
So, hey, I bought some carb blockers at K-Mart. I�m so sick of craving things I usually don�t eat like, bread, chips, mashed potatoes, French fries: all thanks to Zyprexa. I crave carbs constantly and it creates this animal urge in me to get some carbs ASAP. So, I paid $14.00 for this crap called Starch Blocker, whose main ingredient is White Kidney Bean Extract and it�s supposed to block absorption of the bad carbs. We�ll see. You�re supposed to take it before you eat a starchy meal.
My sister Melinda is going to be at my house on Monday. She and Enrique are coming up from Tampa to visit moi. He�s finally getting leave for the first time since September 11th. I should be thrilled, but I�m pretty much prevented from feeling good about things too. I miss feeling the highs when it comes to being excited about something. Usually, I�d be ecstatic about having visitors. Instead, I�m feeling a bit of indifference and that really frustrates me because I haven�t seen my sister Melinda since I left the Navy in 2000. She really deserves for me to be excited about her coming.
Cinders has been calling incessantly saying things like �I don�t know where you are, call me?� but I really do not want to talk to her because I�d have to act nice and fake. I don�t think she understands a bit what her negativity does to me. Besides all the guilt she puts on me, she also undermines my authority with Jackie, in front of Jackie, and it makes me that much more resolved not to see Cinders for a while. I don�t operate on guilt anymore, but she obviously thinks that that�s the way it should be between us for the next 15 years. I don�t want to have relationships with that sort of operating system anymore.
Jackie�s driving me friggin nuts with this Barbie �Swan Lake� movie. If I have to see it once more, I may scream. Shayne and his parents sent Jackie a themed box this year. All of her presents have to deal with this Swan Lake Barbie. So, of course she has to play with her Barbie�s while watching the movie. Yes, while watching the movie over and over and over again.
We did laundry last night so we wouldn�t have to worry about it this weekend. Afterwards, we went to Lisa and Doug�s to exchange gifts. That was really fun. I couldn�t wait another day to give Lisa her Obsession. All girls deserve some smell-good.
Lisa got me this gorgeous photo album that goes with my stationary, a to do list for the fridge with cute magnets, a best friends picture frame, a Cranberry Citrus bath set, an �I love America� coffee mug, a set of towels for the kitchen, and CHOCOLATE! Girlfriend knows I love me some chocolate.
Anyway, Lisa loved her gifts and Mr. Moody was pretty happy with the Steak and Shake Gift Cards.
Jackie got some really cool stuff from Lisa. I think I will sit down with Smacky tonight and go through it. It looks like she will have lots of fun activities to do over the next week or so.
Lisa and Doug have done their bedroom on this dreamy �Arabian Knights� type theme and it looks gorgeous. Lisa�s favorite color is purple, and this is like a bluish, purplish color, really quite gorgeous. I can�t wait to see when they�ve finished painting it.
Well, I�m short on dough. I was supposed to mail a box of Christmas presents to my sister Renee but I ran short on money. I feel awful, but it�s going to have to get mailed on Tuesday and it will be late. Better late than never.
11:50 - Friday, Dec. 19, 2003
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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