This morning, I was so crabby with my daughter. I feel like lately, all that I�ve been doing with her is arguing, and crabbing. And then in the middle of our spat this morning, I stopped the yelling and just got quiet. This is not the mom I want to be. I don�t want to make her tune me out because I yell. Yelling makes me tired too, so, so I allow myself a moment to collect myself.
You have 9 pairs of shoes, Jackie. Why can�t you find something? They�re all beautiful shoes. The new Nike�s, what�s wrong with them? I don't want to fight with you. I'm your mom. I want to make your life go smoother. Oh, I made you feel bad. Geez. I can't do it right.
And, it�s going to be 80 degrees today, so why the long sleeves? She's just tired too, but it seems like she needs so much intervention for getting dressed even. The simplest things have become complicated lately. It seems she�s trying to establish her own boundaries in the world, and is testing her limits. It�s tiring.
She�s growing up so fast. Just yesterday she asked me what an orgasm was. I was shocked. Where did you hear that? I asked. She shrugged her shoulders. I told her I�d think about my answer and get back to her. It helps move the sperm to the egg, I said, which is true, the contractions do move it, but how do I explain this one to her? And if I make it really complicated, this situation becomes Freudian, and 15 years from now my child will be seeing a therapist due to some dysfunction firmly rooted in her mother�s response about sexuality.
First grade, for Jacquelyn has brought many great experiences. But, she�s also been around the other kids enough for her to pick up some very annoying behavior. I�ve always wanted to be the type of mom who can be �real� with her kids. A mother who�s there to listen to you, who�s always honest, and forthcoming with information.
I feel like lately that Jackie is exasperating me. She�s getting smart with me, she�s testing me and trying to trick me into doing what she wants. The little sneak! There are consequences, but obviously, I�m not handing them out enough. She thinks she can say anything to me. Yeah, within reason. But don�t get sarcastic. Don�t be mean, and for God�s sake, don�t destroy things because you�re mad. I�ve laid these limits out time and time again.
She�s being sarcastic. I hate sarcasm in little kids. I think, you�ve not experienced enough life to be jaded about it at age 6. My mother never put up with it, and I�m not going to either. So the question is, how do I proceed? I won�t be doing Jackie or myself any favors if she gets away with it.
There�s also the small issue of her homework, and chores. Jackie has to: feed her gerbils, keep her room picked up, keep her toys out of the living room, help me keep our house tidy, pull out clothes for the next day, and then her homework. It usually gets done..but seems like the past couple weeks, she�s given me trouble about doing those everyday things. I�m exhausted by this much maintenance. Just do what I tell you to. If you know something needs to be done, do it. You do some picking up here and there and we won�t spend one evening a week doing it all. Why are you making everything so hard Jackie?
I guess I�ll have to start slowly removing some privileges to get desired behavior. I�m such a sap.
My daughter is such a beautiful little person. She�s truly a happy kid. I just feel like I�m missing it sometimes. Like, I don�t know what I�m doing. Other than these problems, she�s smart, she�s funny and she�s loving. She knows when I�m having a bad day and offers to give me a foot massage. She makes me these little family self-portraits on construction paper. I don�t even mind that I always have a big head.
I doubt myself. Does her dad ever consider the damage he�s inflicted by not being a part of her life? So what if he took her for two months. It was the first time in 4 years. He can�t live off that good deed forever. Parenting is more than taking your child home with you once.
I know what it�s like to grow up without parents. It�s sad. Heartbreaking. So does her dad, but he continues to believe she�ll thrive on her own no thanks to him.
I�m so mad at him sometimes. The only time I� m not mad at him is when I finally get that late check in the mail.
You know who I'm talking about. I only got one kid. Uranus, yeah, you my baby daddy! I�m so mad at you. Why haven�t you called your daughter? You suck. You jerk. And I can�t say any of this in front of our child, because she will hate you. And, eventually, no matter what I say, she�d blame me. Instead of you. I didn�t cheat, you did. I didn�t move away, you did. Would it be so hard to put a letter in with the child support check that I get (late) on the 20th of every month? Would it kill you to acknowledge your daughter? That undesired behavior�you know, the one where she will do anything to get attention from a man? It�s back, with a vengeance. Thanks for nothing, you ape.
And Rufus..he�s being mean to Salsalita. I don�t know why she gets blamed all the time, because she doesn�t have a drinking problem. I just hope it works out with her self-esteem, bruised as it is, still intact. I hurt me to hear her cry because she�s afraid to be alone.
I feel you there, Lisa. I�m afraid too.
I�m here for you.
9:12 a.m. - Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2003
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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