Yesterday morning, I got up, got dressed. My little blond fanged monster got dressed too. With a kiss and a hug, I sent her on her merry way to Ms. Iris house.
I got in my car. I drove to work. I parked in a space. I turned my car off, and then back to battery so I could listen to the radio. Seal was playing �Love is Divine�.
I had to sit in the car till 8:00 am, because that�s when Car Pool parking becomes open parking. I finished touching up my makeup and I styled my hair. It was 7:59 a.m. Sometimes, I hate the mirror. I hate the way I look now. I used to be such a striking woman. My body hadn�t betrayed me and I could have had any man I put my mind to. I�ve always been a vibrant person, but it seems to have toned down since I gained all of this weight. It�s the ultimate health betrayal.
Now, pickings are slim. No guy wants a woman who�s big, unless he likes big beautiful women. I don�t know any guys like that, plus, I might be freaked out by a man that was with me only because of my appearance. What a pill.
I have men who adore me now, but they are friends and won�t give up the booty.
I�m on another sabbatical. Yep.
When I noticed the other people getting out of their cars, I knew it was 8. However, I couldn�t will myself to open the door. I looked over at my building. It�s brick and is tall, imposing, and intimidating.
I just couldn�t go in there. It�s a battle in there. It�s not a bad place to work, and typically you are paid well. There are office politics, but every workplace has those. The job itself is interesting..it�s just that some days, I cannot put on a brave face. I don�t feel so brave some days. Just living is bravery.
If I weren�t brave, I�d have killed myself when I was 12.
This Tuesday morning, my mind was not at work. It was on that letter I wrote to the parole board on Monday. Writing that letter was like giving birth; maybe that�s why I was so reluctant to write it. It�s painful to put that albatross into words. Putting my attack on paper gives it life somehow, and makes it even more real. Usually, when I do something like that I feel emotionally wrung-out.
So, that explains why instead of getting out of my car, and going inside, I instead started my car, and drove back home. I felt relief. Today, this Tuesday morning, I didn�t have to put on a smile for anybody.
Not even my boss. When I call in sick, I might beg off and tell my boss I got a stomach bug. But this weirdness on my part has been going on for the better part of six months. I felt like my boss deserved to know the truth. In general, I�m reluctant to tell anyone at work my business, but now that the DNA crap is affecting every darn thing in my life, maybe it�s time for some honesty.
I was scared, I admit. One must always keep personal life separate from work, I�ve always been told. I guess when everything starts falling apart around you then maybe it�s time to change that. It�s time to get real. I don�t want to be seen as unstable. I came to the conclusion though that I lived through something horrible, and if people judge me because I was the victim of a crime then they�re the ones with a problem. Let the ghost of your killer chase you around and see how you feel after 21 years. He�s like Freddy Friggin Krueger and just won�t die.
When I got home from work, Jackie�s bus was coming any minute. I decided to call my boss though before going to the bus stop.
I told him everything. I let it all out..relieved and yet horrified I told him something so painful and personal. And do you know, that he was so supportive. He told me if I needed time off or anything, he would help. That made me feel so warm inside. I guess he does care what happens to me. Sometimes, it�s hard for me to believe that someone would care about me just because.
Jackie�s bus was coming. I quickly got in my car and drove to the stop. Paula, Ms. Iris� daughter, had walked Jackie down to the bus stop. She stood off to the side with Bana.
As usual, my Jackie was chattering nonstop to the other kids. I called her name and motioned for her to come see me. When she saw me she ran to the car. Her little cheeks were aglow�it was cold this morning.
�Mommy, what are you doing home?� Immediately I could see that she had not worn her cute little blue cap with the pink flowers nor the matching gloves. Sigh. She might as well stay sick for a while. No matter, I just told her, �I didn�t feel like working today. Anyway, I�ll be picking you up early from school today. Mommy has a doctor�s appointment at 4.� She said �okay�, gave me a hug and kiss, and ran back to the bus stop.
At 3:30, I picked Jackie up from school. As we drove to the doctor�s office, we talked about art class and what she had for lunch.
I was worried about going to see my doctor. This medicine has some wack side effects and I wanted to make sure he knew they were causing me problems.
But, my doctor was in a hurry I guess. He basically attributed my body aches, tiredness and mental fog to depression (still!) and upped my dose to 5 mg. Basically, my body got used to the medicine, and most people start responding really well to it at 5 mg. Not really what I wanted to hear.
�What about the six pounds I gained this month?� I asked.
�Well, Melissa, we believe you have a metabolic problem, namely, your thyroid�but I need your labs in order to make that determination.� It was a very pointed reply. When he said �your labs� it was with a raised eyebrow. Basically, get off your butt and go get that blood work done, Missy. Or suffer my wraith! Well, he didn�t roar, but I got the message.
Last night I was able to talk to Lisa. It�s a relief to have the argument behind me. I love her and what her to be close to me. It�s just that sometimes, my emotions get the best of me. I�m not really good at suppressing things and then I erupt like mount Rushmore. I love hard, but I�m not the most lovable person sometimes.
I just needed Lisa to know that this wasn�t all her fault. Lisa could�ve stood on her head and ran around the block in her panties and some whipped cream pasties and I still would�ve not been satisfied. I�m high maintenance, emotionally. I devour those I love and have friendships with.
I�m sure it�s scary for them too.
1:37 p.m. - Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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