Hey, so I�m chewing on SOBE Power Liquid Infused Gum. It�s okay. You get about 6 pieces, and it�ll set you back $1.25. I�m not sure if I�m cool about paying that much for so few pieces. But the package said, �Bite this� so I had to try it. I bought it because YAY, it didn�t have aspartame in it. That crap gives me a headache, so I had to stop chewing stuff with ass-partame in it. Oh, no, that means no diet soda, no fat free crap, I�m so sad. I think diet soda was invented by fat Nazi�s anyway.
Want to hear something funny? I dyed my hair exactly the same color. Dark chocolate. It looked a lot prettier on the box. Now I suspect the hair model had some subtle highlights.
I don�t have subtle highlights.
In fact, I don�t have depth, shine or more body. It�s just dark brown. Like dirt.
I just have the same color, and I paid $8.00 for it. Sigh.
In other news: Salsalita has started her own journal on Diaryland. You go mama! Tips? Spellcheck. I type up my documents in word and then spellcheck. I do it in word because Diaryland is funny sometimes and if you don�t have a saved copy then you lose it.
Oh, and you should make sure it separates your paragraphs or you�ll have one continuous paragraph. That�s aggravating for people to try to keep up. Oh, and write what you feel. You have a responsibility for what you write, but what�s a diary for if you can�t be honest? Journaling is such a rewarding hobby girlfriend.
She�s whinerwoman.diaryland.com
Work is so stressful lately. I find myself gritting my teeth a lot and dragging when it�s time to go back to my work area. Folks are tense and procedures change so much I can hardly keep it straight. I have no attention span either.
Like today, I�m sitting at my desk. My co-worker Royce walks by saying, �I�m going,� and I�m thinking, �Oh, she�s going to the bathroom.� I sat here for a while thinking she�s going to be so thrilled with me for keeping up with all this work. I�m proud. I preen. Then after a while, I start to wonder if she fell in. Oh, and I finally remember that we had our weekly meeting at 9:00. That I was not at. It started 20 minutes ago. That I missed. Embarrassment. Flaming red cheeks. Sigh.
I�m overwhelmed lately. It seems that things are not going my way at all. Life is not fair, this I know. I just get pissed that every time I go to do anything new and exciting I fall on my face. My sister blames it on the recent multiple voids in the moon. Voids?
This advocacy issue is not gaining the momentum I�ve hoped for. People have stopped asking me about it, and I�m not inspired at all for ideas.
It�s also becoming clear to me that a few people do not think I can deal with talking about it, but then they really haven�t spent the last few years with me. This may horrify people every time they talk about it. I�m occasionally horrified.
I�m the one usually wondering if the person I�m talking to can deal with me talking about something so depressing, scary and sickening. I�m not a delicate child anymore, and yet some people still see me that way. I understand why they do that because it�s how I view my little sister.
I�m a grown up now. Please treat me like one, folks.
*********************************************************
My daughter is one of the few real pleasures in my life. Jackie lifts me up when I�m down, she makes me laugh. I feel wanted and loved unconditionally. We�re both pretty nutty and spontaneous. It�s fun.
We�ve been spending a lot of time together, and I�ve been realizing just how tired I used to be. Now, we spend most every evening outside doing something. I find being in the house all the time to be depressing and I�m amazed that I used to stay in every day after work.
I don�t really remember being six. I remember being younger. Being four years old, sitting in the dirt and eating ants to see if they would bite me. I remember going with my mom down to St. Louis� Riverfront when I was five; back when it used to be just cobblestones. I remember the sunflowers sprouting up between the cobblestones, and I recall them being as tall as I was.
I do remember, the years before Lincoln, that I was a pretty happy kid. We went to the park, the fair, church (preferably churches that eat together).
We spent time with the neighborhood firemen. We spent a lot of time with our family; aunts, uncles and cousins. Mama was just there. I took it for granted. We might only get one Christmas present, but it was something Mama had really thought about, and it was worth it. She got me a teddy bear at the age of four. I remember opening it, tearing the paper and throwing it down and loving it. I slept with Ted every night. I still have him. He�s the only thing I have that my momma gave me.
It didn�t matter that we were poor, that mama was alone most of the time, and it didn�t even matter that we had very little because our house was our little castle. I loved our little house. I don�t ever remember feeling like a poor kid. I remember feeling cherished and loved.
I have such a great job now, a huge apartment. My momma would�ve been so proud of me.
That contentment with your family relationship is what I want my daughter too. Parents and children�s bonds should be special. If nothing else, Jackie knows that I ADORE her, that she�s important to me and what she thinks matters. That I�m here to protect her. That I won�t allow anyone to hurt her.
I think she knows that and she has the confidence of a kid who knows her mother is fiercely protective and fiercely on her side. She knows when she is wrong; I will tell her and make her correct it. When she is right, I will stand up for her. Kids gotta know that you got their back.
It drives me nuts sometimes, that Jackie is so close to me. That she�s gotta be up my hiney 24/7. I mean, can�t a girl go pee in privacy? Oh, and a shower alone; that�s out of the question. She sits on the toilet while I wash up.
She�d love nothing more than to sit in my lap most days. I know someday she won�t want to be close to me because teenagers like to spend their teenage years punishing their parents and ignoring them and everything that they were taught.
So, I guess Jackie�s closeness is something I have to take as a compliment because kids tell you in more ways than one that they are pissed at you. I know kids that are permanently pissed at their parents. It�s not about toys or material things. It�s about love. Or the lack thereof.
When your children are mad at you, one behavior signifying this is they avoid your attempts at bodily contact. Forget hugs and kisses. Two is totally disregarding all rules, tuning you out and recklessly destroying everything in their path. So, I guess most days, Jackie is pretty content with the way I raise her. Not that she�s ever going to like my rules 100% or that she�ll agree with them, but she has seen that I love her too. My job isn�t just to shape this little person, but encourage her to grow.
How unfair is this? I rarely used my voice when I was living with Derwin. I couldn�t even dream of my own opinion. Privacy? What was that? I didn�t even qualify for human dignity.
In my experience I�ve learned you shouldn�t just speak to kids when they�re misbehaving. You should be interacting with them often on a regular basis. It�s a mistake I�ve seen a lot of parents make, and yet they are mystified when their starved for attention preteen starts committing petty crimes. Kids will do whatever they have to get an audience with you.
That�s what kids do.
Give them the education, the confidence, the love, the trust, the understanding and drive to live their lives the right way and you can�t go wrong. They may screw up occasionally but they turn out to be decent adults.
Concentrate on your life, and what makes YOU happy only is a huge mistake. I�ve seen it. If you�re not ready to be a parent then you should abstain, practice safe sex or consider adoption. Don�t make the kid pay for being born to you. Too many kids end up repeating the sad cycle their parents got sucked into.
I tell people that a lot. They treat their kids like uninvited party guests. Hell, my kid is the party! Right Salsalita? It wouldn�t be fun without the little boogers.
A life without my daughter wouldn�t be a real life.
3:02 p.m. - 2003-07-24
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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