I don�t know what�s bringing it on, but lately I�ve been having those panic episodes during the night again. I find myself up investigating noises and going through the house making sure no one got in. I usually think that there�s someone in my hallway looking at me and I wake up telling him or her, in so many curse words, to get the hell out of my house. I did it all week until last night, which I think, was the case only because I felt tethered to the bed.
I�m really not sure what triggers it, but it gets really old.
During the day, I�m a self-confident, assured, settled woman. At night time I morph into a half-awake, scared and disoriented woman. To me, nighttime is torturous. I guess I associate nighttime with danger in my subconscious.
I think I aged 5 years in the few months since I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I�ve always been tired but lately it�s really been wearing on me. It�s hard to be patient about waiting for the machine when you know treatment is right around the corner and you just can�t put your hands on it. That your insurance carriers are a bunch of morons that would rather pay for triple bypass surgery than for sleep medicine that prevents heart disease and is a good couple hundred and 96 thousand less.
Oh, no my heart is doing it again, it�s skipping beats. I don�t know what causes it. Yesterday it scared me really bad. I don�t know how I know because it�s rare, but I know when it�s getting ready to happen. Salsalita told me that she has to bear down. I don�t know how to do that.
Yesterday I went to Midwest Sleep Diagnostics and met up with (sigh) beautiful sweet Charlie to get my sleep apnea machine. He showed me the settings on this $1600 (gasp) machine and showed me how to put it together and disassemble it. What a weird looking contraption.
But you know what? Charlie is so absolutely gorgeous with that curly hair and green (?) eyes that he could talk me into jumping off a bridge.
Have I mentioned that Charlie is the most beautiful (and happily married) creature? He looks like a way more gorgeous Kirk Cameron. Sigh�.I can only wish that cloning were an option, so I would just sneak 1 hair off his head and have a Charlie of my own. You know what I really like about him? He�s a spiritual person but no preachy. That�s so important to me. And he�s kind and gentle and yet manly. When people talk to him, he listens and you feel that you are really communicating with him.
I can only say that his wife is a lucky lady. Of course, he insists he�s the lucky one. Awww!
Last night was the pilot episode in my life with �the machine.� I have not yet named my machine but when I do I�ll let you know. I was thinking of �Airy��
Well, I strap it on my head and I get images of a football player in my head. I adjust the nosepiece, which is shaped like a triangle. Then I adjust the side-straps. I lay down and discover I am sleepy, so I turn the ramp on. The ramp is something that gradually increases the air pressure from 0 to whatever the doctor determines will keep your airway open. Mine is 16 and it�s preset.
A few times I woke up last night, and I giggle now because it reminds me of scenes from the movie, �The Mask� with Jim Carrey, especially the parts where he can�t get the mask off. That mask had good suction and I know because one I couldn�t get it off easily and two, I had a big red dot on my forehead and a strap mark on my cheek. Nice.
I had a couple of episodes where the nose chamber would come a little loose and then air would be blowing in my eye, or on my cheek, or on my chin. It would freak me out and I would come to trying to take this thing off my face any way that I could. It�s amazing what you do when you�re freaking out in your sleep.
You can�t open your mouth while you�re wearing this thing or you�ll make this sound like a bug flew into your throat when you were talking. It�s weird.
So, as I�m freaking out, I�m saying, �Got-to.get-this-friggin thing off,� but it comes out, �ga-t-gi-the-ffffbet-thi-o� because I can�t talk right when air�s being shoved into my nose and I�m mad! Now, I�m laughing but it really ticked me off then.
All in all, I slept very well, better than ever. I feel much better and more energetic today.
I was reading a pamphlet about sleep apnea yesterday and the statistics are downright strange. 4 in every 100 middle-aged men have it. The major risk factors are being male and over 50.
2 in every 100 MIDDLE-AGED women have sleep apnea and most are not diagnosed. I asked them what they consider middle-aged and they said 40�s. Um, I am 28. It just goes to show that no one anticipated me having long term breathing or sleep issues with the attack in 1982.
I will have to play Darth Vader every night for the rest of my life thanks to that bastard stabbing me in the chest. My windpipe will always have that scar tissue.
Sigh..
12:24 p.m. - 2003-06-20
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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