Girls and guys, today I�m not going to talk about me so much as about others. I�m going to talk about subjects very close to my heart.
Since I�ve been talking a lot lately about what happened to me, my sister and my mother, it�s made me really think a lot about relationships with the opposite sex. Domestic abuse and stalking are two in the forefront of my mind.
I don�t know anyone now who is going through this. Last year I was quite beside myself that my younger sister was stuck between an abusive estranged husband and an ex-boyfriend turned violent stalker.
I had multiple flashbacks of mom�s death and saw without a doubt that my baby sister was in danger of being a victim also by killing. One man gave her a concussion, the other beat her senseless. I was out of state. I felt helpless.
If you are the victim of domestic abuse or stalking, you may think that you are alone in your struggle, but chances are someone knows you are in this situation. Reach out, and ask for help. Don�t accept less than you deserve. You deserve a life full of happiness and joy. Even if it�s by yourself. No one has the right to put their hands on your or to take away your sense of safety and well-being. That is a violation of your very being.
You know, my mom had the worst luck with men. She was a beautiful, nurturing type but people took advantage of that. She was witty and funny and she liked fishing and camping as much as going out for a nice dinner and a movie. My mom wasn�t high maintenance. But, it seemed she always picked men she thought she could fix and tried very hard to gain someone�s love and trust.
I must mention that her father, my grandfather, was surly, mean, and crabby. He always felt kids were a huge nuisance, which I can attest to, because he never wanted us grandkids around. Whatever, it�s not like my Mom grew up seeing Grandma treat her mother like a princess. Grandma put up with a lot of crap. Mom must�ve learned that from Grandma.
Mommy�s first husband abused her so badly that he put her in the hospital four times. She finally left. I don�t think I was there when any of that abuse occurred, but I�ve seen the pictures of her in the hospital. Two black eyes, a broken arm, multiple bruises. The absolute worst is her eyes; they appear large, liquefied, and haunted.
Her second and only husband was our dad. Our dad never hit our mom, but he was a certified biker who liked to raise hell and drink all hard liquor and especially whiskey. Momma loved him so she stayed for a long time and had two kids with him. But, he wasn�t ready to commit then and amazingly, 25 years later; he still hasn�t found a wife willing to put up with his crap.
And after Momma had such a hard life, being twice divorced, raising three kids alone, and being crippled from a car accident, she deserved a good life. So, she sought out father figures for us, and had to be pretty picky because she was afraid someone would mistreat us.
She wasn�t picky enough, and looking back now, I know that this situation could happen to anybody. Nobody knew it would escalate.
She met her stalker through her brother, who played the guy in a pool tournament. He seemed nice enough (now I know that was an act to ensnare her) and was living with his mama, because maybe his mama was lonely. My mom, my baby sister and me had lunch with him and his mom exactly once. First, we went to the playground and then we had barbecue.
Mama decided he wasn�t her type (or maybe he seemed creepy) and told him she didn�t think it would work. Nice enough, to me anyway, but that�s when the phone calls started, the knock on the door at 3 a.m. The threats. Sightings. But nobody took it seriously.
When he got angry enough, he tore our lives apart. You know the rest.
We paid for trusting a stranger with my mother�s life and with my innocence.
If someone is abusing or stalking you, you have to be proactive in your safety. Don�t assume that it will not escalate. The unfortunate truth is that when a person is angry or obsessed, they do things they probably wouldn�t do normally; that includes murdering a woman and traumatizing her children.
Down below I�ve included some information about domestic abuse and stalking.
Please seek help if you are in this situation. The worst thing you can do is NOTHING.
On a side note, I�ve decided to have some t-shirts made. They are not the same as the little �Diva�, �Hottie�, �Babe� and �Sexy� t-shirts you see on women everywhere. They will be thought provoking, stirring; they may even anger some people. Good. The truth hurts.
Here is my list of phrases for my t-shirts:
�If he hits you; he doesn�t respect you. He owns you; you are his property�
�It can�t happen to you, but it happened to my mother. Stalkers are dangerous. Seek help and don�t stop until someone listens.�
�First, it�s mental. �You�re stupid, You don�t think.� Step one of your demise: It�s a little push or a slap. Two: it�s closed fist. Three: it�s a two-by-four. Finally, it�s your funeral. Remember, every sorry that you hear, just remember that to them, you�re disposable. That they need help & that you can�t do it. You can�t change them. Nobody deserves to be hit or degraded. If they really loved you, they�d only touch you with tenderness.�
�Physical violence is not love. Your kids will think it is, if they see you with someone who supposedly loves you but also hits you. It sends a conflicting message. Get out while you can. Who will raise your kids if you�re dead?�
�Nothing is worth your life. No man, no money, no job. Staying for the �right� reasons will get you hurt or possibly killed. Don�t gamble with your life.�
�Real women don�t hit men, and real men don�t hit women.�
Here are some statistics gathered from various webpages:
Stalking: "Stalking in America", April 1998
About 75% of stalking victims were spied on or followed, about 45% received overt threats.
About 30% had property vandalized, about 10% received threats that their pet(s) would be killed, or the pet(s) were killed.
About half of all female stalking victims reported their victimization to police; about 25% obtained a restraining order.
80% of restraining orders were violated by the assailant. (This doesn't mean that r.o.'s are worthless. You need to get an r.o. to build your case, so that you can eventually see the stalker given jail time.) (If the stalker doesn't know your home address, you do NOT have to put your address on the r.o.! You can list a contact address such as your attorney or a friend.)
About 24% of female victims who reported stalking to the police said their cases were prosecuted, of the cases in which criminal charges were filed, 54% resulted in a conviction.
About 63% of convictions resulted in jail time.
When asked why the stalking stopped:
About 20% of the victims said it was because they moved away.
15% said it was because of police involvement.
Also, the problem often stopped when the stalker began a relationship with a new girlfriend or wife.
Points To Remember
Never underestimate the stalker or the potential for danger. Many stalker cases escalate; at first the problem seems mild, later the problem becomes omnipresent.
Treat all threats, either in person, by phone, or mail, as legitimate. Threats do not have to be words. Implied threats include black roses, a dead animal received in the mail, or a photograph with your image crossed out. Events like these can be reported to police.
Seek support from people who are understanding. Avoid people who minimize the problem or tell you that you are overreacting. Every year, stalkers harm many people -- it's illogical for anyone to tell you that stalking is unimportant.
Being Stalked? - What To Do
I'm not any kind of professional, nor am I an attorney. The information presented here has been compiled from several dozen informational sources and supplemented with information from my own personal experience.
Why Is He Stalking?
Some people bolster their self-esteem by dominating and intimidating their mates. Controlling or affecting his partner gives him some feelings of power in a world where he generally feels powerless. This kind of person, after becoming an "ex", sometimes becomes a stalker to try to continue fulfilling these inappropriate psychological needs.
There are several types of stalkers. This page mostly addresses the "Simple Obsessional" type. The stalker is usually an ex-spouse, ex-partner, or co-worker. Obsessional activities begin after a relationship breaks up, or a relationship is refused, or the stalker imagines mistreatment by the victim. The stalker's goal is to regain control, restore the relationship, or get revenge in some way.
Stages of Stalking
One woman�s personal interpretation of typical escalation
Stage 1 - The persistent ex, or the persistent suitor
The person keeps trying to arrange contact or have conversations with you, even though you feel there is no longer any point.
By itself, this is rarely considered stalking; most people view this as a person simply trying to get a date or patch up a relationship. At stage 1, the victim rarely realizes that this is going to become an escalating problem.
Stage 2 - Uncomfortable contact, interference
The person keeps trying to arrange contact or have conversations with you or gather information about you -- even though the events are now making you feel profoundly uncomfortable. The person's persistence seems a bit "crazy" and although they are not physically demonstrative, their behavior seems somehow "scary" to you anyway. This may be the stage where you realize this person has become a stalker.
During contact they don't seem self-conscious; they don't seem to realize that they're behaving bizarrely. If others witness these events, the behavior seems irrational to them. (Some clueless persons will think you're the one being irrational, for being disturbed by the stalker. Don't let outsiders tell you how to feel or not feel!)
Interference is any contact or activity that they engage in with others, which disturbs your right to live your life without interference. It includes their distributing private information about you to other people, contacting other people to try to have discussions about you, etc.
Stage 3 - Intimidating contact, implied threats, illegal interference
This is the stage at which it becomes obvious that the person has become a stalker.
Contact attempts now include veiled threats and/or physical aggression. A veiled threat is something like "you'll be sorry" -- it is not the same thing as an outright threat such as "I'm going to hit you." Physical aggression includes trying to stand in your way, blocking your path, walking toward you while yelling -- it is not the same thing as physical contact (violence).
Illegal interference includes slander, libel, blackmail, distributing photos of you when they don't have a legal model release, etc.
Make sure you have thorough documentation of any stage 1 or stage 2 behavior, and when you get a stage 3 occurrence, call the police to file a report.
Stage 4 - Threatening contact
Clearly stated threats of what he intends to do.
Stage 5 - Aggression or violence toward inanimate objects
Vandalism or destruction of your belongings, your environment, etc.
Stage 6 - Aggression or violence toward live creatures
Violence toward yourself, those around you, your pets, or animals in your environment.
What To Do
As soon as you feel there is a problem, take the following steps:
If he manages to make contact with you, say no clearly while avoiding humiliating him. (Don't engage in dialogue. Pick a statement and keep repeating it. For instance just say "I'm not interested, there is nothing to discuss.")
Also, say no without any qualifiers. Stalkers interpret certain phrases or actions as "maybes" or as signs that they're getting through to you. Do not say "I'm sorry, I'm not interested." Never include "I'm sorry." This is interpreted by stalkers as a sign that you have emotions for them, which they will see as a victory, or as hope of future change... so they will contact you again later!
To clearly establish that any further contacts are unwanted and will be in violation of your consent, tell them no in front of a witness, or as a last resort, send a succinct certified letter (or have your attorney send a letter).
Then:
* Cease all contact. Stalkers thrive on REACTION, ATTENTION, and ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. Don't give any of this. Do not be available to him in any way. Behave as though he doesn't exist. If you let him see you reacting to his actions, he will experience it as his personal power. Don't do anything that suggests to him that he affects your world or that you notice his behavior. If there are certain types of contact or communication that are necessary or unavoidable (such as for divorce preparations), appoint a go-between (preferably a man) to handle all communication instead of you.
* Notify friends, family, and your boss that this person is violating your right to peace and privacy, and is interfering with your personal freedoms and quality of life. Ask your peers outright if they will help you in the following manner: Explain that they must NOT dialogue with the person in any way, regardless of any excuses the stalker may give. Then ask them to promise to notify you ASAP any time that they see or have contact with this person.
* Evaluate your mail delivery. If there's any way for him to access your mail, start having it delivered elsewhere.
* Collect information about anti-stalking laws in your state. Figure out what steps you will need to get him arrested on a stalking charge, and follow those steps. When you have enough documentation you can get a Restraining Order (Personal Protection Order). These don't really stop the stalking; their purpose is more so that you can get a good arrest report and court time when they violate the Order. Even if you have children and there are visitation/custody arrangements, you can still have a Restraining Order approved -- it will specify that the only contact he can have is that necessary for visitation arrangements.
Collect Documentation
Documentation will be the key to your success.
Stalking is a crime because it is a pattern of repeated contact. The first event that profoundly scares you will probably be event #4 or #5, and in order to get police involved at that time, you'll need proof of the earlier events, to show that it is indeed stalking.
* Begin a STALKING LOG of all contact and attempted contact. Use a notebook or write on a computer. Entry should include date, time, details of the event, and any witnesses. Include as much detail as possible. If you write the entry on computer, print it out and sign/date it by hand the same day, so no one can accuse you later of having changed the computer files over time. This log may become a legal document later.
* Maintain a file containing all WRITTEN CONTACT AND EVIDENCE, such as letters, notes, envelopes, or gifts he sent to you. Don't write on the documents themselves. Put each item in a zip-lock bag and write the date and time on the bag.
* Install a physical ANSWERING MACHINE and stop answering your phone. This is the stage at which you must begin compiling evidence in case the stalking escalates. If the stalker leaves any messages, at the end of that day they should be removed, labeled (date), and filed, and a new blank tape put into the machine. DO NOT ANSWER YOUR PHONE ANY MORE, no matter how tempted you are! Anyone who calls that you want to talk to, you can always call them right back. If you pick up a call and it is the stalker, he will again view it as a victory or as a source of hope -- regardless of what you say to him, even if you scream and yell at him.
* Get a CELPHONE and keep it with you at all times. It will be especially helpful if you are in your car and realize he's nearby.
Scary Numbers Tell a Painful Story: Domestic Abuse:
Between 1 million and 4 million women are assaulted by a husband, domestic partner, boyfriend, or other intimate each year, depending on the source of statistics.
Intimates (husband, boyfriend, and/or lover) perpetrate a total of 28 percent of all annual violence against women.
About 90 to 95 percent of domestic violence victims are women. (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1994)
A total of 70 percent of intimate (perpetrated by boyfriend, husband, lover, and ex�s) homicide victim are female. (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1994)
Intimates (again, wife, girlfriend, lover, and ex�s) perpetrate about 5 percent of all annual violence against men. (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1994)
Domestic violence is statistically consistent across racial and ethnic boundaries. (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1995) This means it happens to women of all colors, etc.
Women ages 19 to 29 report more violence by intimates than any other age group (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1995).
Domestic violence occurs in about 25 to 33 percent of gay and lesbian couples. (American Bar Association Journal, Feb. 1998)
Between one- and two-thirds of all welfare recipients reported having suffered domestic violence at some point in their adult lives. A total of 15 to 32 percent reported current victimization, meaning, it�s happening now. (Raphael & Tolman, Trapped by Poverty, Trapped by Abuse, 1997)
Each year in the United States, about 3.3 million children are exposed to domestic violence against their mothers or female caretakers. (American Psychological Association, 1996). It�s not exactly what you dreamed your kids would grow up remembering about their childhood. And then, the cycle continues.
In homes where partner abuse occurs, children are 1,500 times more likely to be abused. (Department of Justice, 1993) . You may not think they�ll hit your kids, but it happens.
Female victims of violence are 2.5 times as likely to be injured when an intimate commits the violence than when committed by a stranger. (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1995).
Out of all emergency room visitors, 17 percent are documented as having come as a result of being injured by an intimate. (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1997)
Only about one-seventh of all domestic assaults come to the attention of police. (Florida Mortality Review Project, 1997). Most women don�t report it because of financial, work, social reasons.
More than 17 percent of domestic homicide victims had a protection order against the perpetrator at the time of the killing. (Florida Mortality Review Project, 1997). To me that illustrates that not only do they think they are above the law, but that they can degrade, humiliate or abuse you in whatever way they choose because in their mind, they own you.
*Honey, if you don�t love yourself, value yourself, or respect yourself, think about those around you who would be devastated by you being hurt by domestic abuse or stalking. If you have kids, think about the terror they feel when you are scared and how alone they will be when you�re gone. You may not know it but people look up to you, and you don�t want to send the message that abuse is okay or that stalking isn�t scary or threatening.
1:19 p.m. - 2003-06-18
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
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