This morning, I got it going on. I�m sizzlin�. Like cold bacon. Err. Uh.
*I had a weird dream the other night. It was like my unconscious was making fun of me. I was thin again, and man, I was built. Perky boobies and J.LO booty.
In my dream, it was afternoon and I was standing in my barracks room in a sleeveless pale-blue, form-fitting dress from Wet Seal. (I still remember that dress; it had vanilla orchids on it.) My roommate Helga was sleeping on her bed.
I had this cute pixie haircut, and my nails were done; red talons. I was standing right in front of a full-length mirror that was on the back of my door. When I have a full-length mirror, I have always started at the floor, making sure my shoes looked decent, then the outfit, no panty lines or bras showing. I was doing all right, and then, I made it to my face and I lost my breath. I looked like a mix between Liza Minelli and Tammy Faye Baker. Raccoon eyes and Red, red red Ronald McDonald lips. I scream.
My mean ass roommate woke up from her nap and started playing, �Karma Chameleon� on her stereo and was dancing, shaking her booty, doing the tootsy roll to it and pointing at me. It was like by subconscious was making fun of me. Uh, you trying to say I look like a drag queen,�?
Why couldn�t my theme song be something like, �Supermodel� by RuPaul or something by Diana Ross?
I know I haven�t written a lot lately, I�m going through a creative dry spell. But, I will talk about recent events. Darlings, I missed you all. Just in case you were wondering, why the sun wasn�t so bright, why the moon never came out. Well, I went to the sleep clinic last night. Gorgeous Charlie wasn�t there, brief sigh, but all the same I got a sleep mask that�s not going to freak me out. Last time I was there, I told Charlie I was claustrophobic, I guess I didn�t specify how much because they still gave me the mask instead of the nose pillows. You can�t be mad at anybody as fine as Charlie though. He looks like a way hot, pin-up Kirk Cameron.
Reluctantly, I put the mask on, knowing in the middle of the night it was really gonna piss me off. And wallah! An hour after I went to sleep, I woke up very irritated. I pressed the call button, and said, �I hate this stupid thing,� so, the tech came and switched me out. I was quite surprised; she picked one that allowed me to (gasp!) sleep on my side. And even though it was also a triangular nose jock strap, after that it was flying sheep and moon jumping cows. I came to this morning pretty refreshed but knowing after sleeping that well I could do a few more hours. All in all, I was okay.
Mr. Sweatpants showed up to get me. Poor baby just got back from visiting his Ma-Ma in Kansas City. I like her. She�s cool. Lucky guy. Anyway, he nicely got me some Hardee�s for breakfast and took me home so I could shower and wash that goop out of my hair. The goop is what keeps the electrodes in place on your face and scalp; however removing it requires an act of God, I�ve discovered. It�s got the consistency of KY jelley with sand mixed in.
This made me feel darn sexy this morning, talking to the company cutie and running my fingers through my hair and they get STUCK. I was like, what the? I washed my hair when I got home! Criminey, I thought this stuff was all washed out. That was so embarrassing. You can�t be suave if you�ve got mucus plugs in your hair. I mean, that was gross.
I found out Knights Limited Catalogue Outlet, the company I worked for eons ago, is on Manchester Road. Whoopee! Real quality stuff for reasonable prices. I can�t wait to go.
I�m tired now, but not like usual. It�s a relieved it�s over tired. The month leading up to last night was tense and I could hardly wait. Lots of thing been happening in my life lately. Lot�s of people on my doo-doo list too, and they know who they are.
For your perusal, here are the emails that Uranus and I exchanged yesterday. I am proud of him for being so strong and unselfish about Jackie�s well being. In the mean time, if my mom is reading this, I just wanna say:
�Ma, you just need to stay out of my bid-ness from now on. I am not going to let you talk me into another dang thing. Man, you can talk the devil out of his pitchfork. Jeez.�
Uranus� Letter:
Missy,
I really put a lot of thought into the things that you've said. I've done some "soul searching" and some real analysis of my life and those that are examples for me. I realize that I've been going about things from the wrong angle, or rather, with the wrong viewpoint.
When a child is raised from infancy to about five, those sponge years form a mold that that child will base the rest of their lives on. *Oh bother, I'm not as eloquent as I'd like.* Well, the short of it is that you and I are not together and we each have a different way of raising a child. Jackie progressed through her sponge years with you. All I can do is influence her and let her know what I think. I cannot mold her the way I'd like, if I tried I would be fighting her very character. I don't think that's a good idea.
I've thought of the child who switched parents in the middle of childhood, and I've thought of the child who stayed with one parent for the duration. In each case I thought of the possible advantages for the child to live with one, or the other. Both ways have positives, but one seems to bring more trouble than is good for the child.
I may not agree with how you raise Jackie. I may not even like it. But I will concede to you that she's turning out quite well. I trust you. I know that you love her. I believe you when you say that you are trying to be the best mom and set the best example that you know how. I know you care and that you will always make sure she is safe, fed, clothed, and housed, and as happy as any of us can be.
Jackie misses you greatly. During the day she is fine and happy, but she cries almost every single night because she misses you so badly. She sees you as "home" and that daddy is a "visit". I think it would cause more confusion and anguish than it would do good to have her switch homes, even for just a year. When I left Florida I made the decision to leave Jackie with you because I thought it would be better than dragging her through legal battles. (C'mon, you know you like to fight me ). I left with a blind trust in you. Now she is six years old and you and I talk of her switching homes for a certain time. When I push through my pride, hurt, and love... I come again to that feeling. Things aren't perfect, but I can avoid making them even messier. I now have a trust that I can see proof of.
As I've said, I have not raised Jackie. We have a different lifestyle here than you two have. She is a wonderful child to have and love, and I am bursting with joy that she is visiting me. But I think she feels better as a visitor than she would trying to leave you behind and start all over here. I think anything more would be an attempt to change her personality.
I feel as if I've left something un-said, but I also have that lingering feeling that's it's something that will always be there. That feeling that can't be changed on account of my living apart from Jackie.
So until I find that un-said item, I'll wind it down for this letter. I am so very grateful that Jackie could visit me. I hope you can understand how truly wonderful this is. When you call again (weekend? Monday?) we can arrange a date for her return flight. For now I'm thinking two or three weeks, let's talk.
Older and Wiser, but not done yet,
Uranus
And my reply:
Uranus,
I feel good that you tried so hard and did so well putting your thoughts into words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing so. I know it was hard to try to admit something; and you're not even sure what you're saying.
In raising Jackie, I tried to remember your your unique way of expressing yourself and my delight in the way you did, your determination, your free spirit, your innocence and joyful delight in the world. I tried to also include my love of others, my idealism, my humanitarianism, my love of history and my sense of humor.
She is both of us and yet her own person. We cannot really change who the essential Jackie is. But we can show her the important things. That's our job as parents; to raise a smarter and more grateful generation of children. She is who she is. Some of that is genetic; some of it is instinct, some of its stubbornness.
Jackie is going to be an awesome child, an expressive and loving adult. Jackie hopefully won't ever endure the mistreatment we did as children, but she will know how lucky she is to have a mom and dad and a step-mom that love her.
Trust me, other kids will have shared stories of parents too busy working, dating, mating, drug using, whatever to be there for them. In the best of worlds, Jackie will know that we both love, support, uplift and cherish her. My object is not to be Jackie's best friend, but to be firm, steady and unchanging in my love for her.
I want to show her that nobody owes you anything, sometimes opportunities come dressed up in overalls looking like work (and people miss them because of that), and there will always be someone worse off than you. These are things I learned on my own. The hard way.
I've learned to make lemonade out of lemons; that was very hard. She will have to be strong. It is a different world now, not the same one we grew up in.
I want her to know that no matter how bad something is, there is a way to control our reaction to it, and not let it ruin us or push us into the ground. That goodness lives in almost every heart.
I've learned that sometimes you really have to defend yourself, and that's scary.
Please trust me to raise her well. I will not sully your relationship with her. I know you love her Shayne. She now knows this too. I told her all that time that you did, but she has experienced this for herself. No one can ever take that away from her. She will have some stories to tell, I know.
There will be many opportunities for her to visit again. If you want to do it again next summer for the same amount of time, okay then, we will have to find a way to prepare her before she even gets on the plane.
Please stop feeling like you've missed an opportunity these past years that you'll never get back. I know that's one thing that you're thinking. We can't control the past, but you can be close to her in the future. I feel a lot of loss too: I do not remember the first year of her life. The Navy made it so stressful. I have a lot of guilt that I could've prevented some of the things she suffered.
You are feeling this big sense of loss and there's nothing I can say. I hate that. It's the same feeling you have when you think of missed time with your mom, it's the same feeling I have when I think of my childhood, my mother, and my dad. It's mourning that you are experiencing. It makes you want to cry. It's a longing for something you know you will probably never have.
I think the new baby will help you with this. I mean, we cannot erase history, but we can soften it with hugs, kisses, and lots of love. letters, pictures, phone calls. Jackie is the most blessed little girl. She has so many that loves her and yet, there was only one person she has consistently wanted, and that is....you. I gave it to her readily, but she wanted her dad. She has it now.
Jackie filled up the space you left. She has been the light of my life. If you hadn't have trusted her to me; I'd probably not be alive.
May Sherri and your new family do that for you also. I wish you all the very best. I am still your friend; you may not think so. It is always been my wish you find what you have searched for. Maybe it was a second chance. God did give it to you in so many ways that you can't see.
Jackie has God's spirit about her you know, and she loves you just because you're you. We will have to work together so she knows about both of our lives. Maybe someday I'll be able to lose this anger and jealousy I have about you. I will try, as always, to make it only my issue, dealt with in private. I'm still healing, you see.
As far as her departure, let her know about how many days she has left. She enjoys that. Jackie wanted to wait for the baby. When is Sherri�s due date?
Again, thanks for the thanks.
Thanks for giving me time to myself. I desperately needed it.
Give Jackie a big hug from me.
Love,
Missy
Mr. Uranus and I are coming to agreements now. Things are better. Wacky Jackie will be home around June 16th, which would be good because her Uncle Kevin (or Auntie if he�s feeling brave) will be coming to visit. I�m hoping Kevin will teach her about being good, nice, encourage her to be happy and give her some interior decorating sense because y�all know that ain�t my thing. Kevin is one of my very closest friends. And we don�t have to worry about something happening between us, because he�s not hetero in the least.
I am going out tonight. Lisa wants to go to the new bar called The Dam. It�s across from South County mall so I�m not sure how hip it�ll be, but why not? Lisa and I shake our booty�s and have a good time wherever.
I just hope it�s not hoosier-fied like Woody�s. I don�t think it will be.
It's going to rain. I know because my knees are aching. Waaah!
12:51 p.m. - 2003-05-30
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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