I have come to a stage in my relationship where I am pretty sure it�s not going to make it. Now I am in the planning stage of separating from David.
I have stopped blogging in my diary for a while because I did not want to make things sound better than they are. Truth be told..it�s in the shitter right now. I do not feel I have the privacy anymore to talk about things like I once did. I have considered starting a new diary and starting over again. I just need to let it all out.
When I met David..I never thought he�d be a long-term guy. I just felt we were too different. Yes, we had things in common..but the funny thing is..they were things you�d have in common if you were teenagers, not adults. His love of concerts, spending all money on frivolous things, blowing rent to have a good time..were all things I�d do as a teenager or young adult, not now.
David has not completely grasped the idea that you pay bills FIRST out of your paycheck. He thinks that money should flow continually and if it�s not coming from him or me, he�s asking his parents. That is sad.
Knowing all of that..I should�ve left before I got in over my head. But I didn�t.
Dave has never grown out of being a teenager. He never will. After a year and a half I realize that I have wasted a lot of time understanding someone who is not meant to be understood. If anything, I realize now that Dave�s mental illness has stumped his emotional and social growth and he will be perpetually 15 years old for the rest of his life.
If you would�ve told me all of this when he and I were new, I�d never have believed you. I wish to God I would�ve gotten into this with my eyes wide open. Truth be told, I was tired of being alone. I really felt that having a man in my life would fill up that hole inside me that has felt empty since my divorce.
I realize now that David was a temporary diversion. Being in this relationship has helped me to grow as a person and I now think a lot about what marriage and commitment is about. I have learned that if I do marry again someday, I really need to understand that I�m making a commitment to a person, sickness or in health. David�s mental illness has fallen under the �sickness� category and I have woken up and realized that I�m not willing to take care of someone who is mentally sick that I�m not married to or related to. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but I need to be honest with myself. Obviously, I have to be secure within myself or I�m not going to be able to truly commit to or care for another adult human being on a long term basis. This is because I have a tendency to lose myself in a relationship and sacrifice my own happiness to take care of other people.
For a long time now..my emotions and needs have taken a backseat. I guess I should�ve expected that the loud one would get all of the attention. I am not prone to hysterics or irrational behavior..so of course, I am milder and more even with my feelings. I may be manic depressive but I realize just how lucky I am that mine is not as bad as his.
David lives his life in a fog. I am sad sometimes because I truly think he doesn�t understand that there is a whole life out there that he is missing and truly, he is not aware that there is more to life than spending money, playing x-box games and living and breathing Wrestling.
He is not aware of the fact that I have many facets and that there is a lot that makes me interesting as a person. As a woman, I doubt he notices the little things about me that make me appealing to other people. I have been reduced from arm candy to sex orifice, cook, launderer, housemaid, and breadwinner.
I miss having intellectual conversations. I have not read �War and Peace�. I cannot quote from �the Iliad�. But I read 4 or 5 books a week, frequently peruse the paper and Newsweek, US News and I prefer to watch CNN or MSNBC. I care about what�s going on in the world.
Sometimes when I talk, David just stares at me. It is unnerving. I really think he just does not get what I�m saying. It is so weird to have a one-sided conversation. Now, when I want to talk intellectual, I talk to a friend at work. I used to talk a lot with my friend and ex-boyfriend Rene�. He is truly one of the smartest people I know and I was never bored for conversation with him. However, he disappeared off my radar six months ago, which is a super long time and unusual for us not to talk.
I just want to escape. I�m having a lot of dreams where I tell people to shove it and dreaming about jobs where I say �I quit�. The thing is, I don�t LOVE my job, but it pays extremely well and I�d not quit it unless I had a superior job come along to replace it. That job is my bread and butter and it would be inconceivable to just say one day �No, I don�t like paying my bills or having electricity, so shove it�. That�s crazy. I do think it has a lot to do with the unrest I�m feeling and the stifling nature of my romantic life.
The sex. A guess a lot of people would assume the sex was fantastic or I wouldn�t have stuck around for so long. Guess again. I am a really passionate and creative woman in that nature and you�d never know from my sex life. Dave knows 3 positions (Do I have to name them?) and thinks foreplay is a kiss on the neck. I WISH I was kidding. I have a cabinet full of �aids� and do you think we ever use them? No. David thinks anything besides the 3 positions is �weird� and doesn�t want to try anything else. I have tried mixing it up a little and after a lot of frustration and irritation, I just gave in and did things his way. I now know why Lilith didn�t make it with Adam. I too..want to have sex on top and do things MY WAY sometimes. I�m sick and tired of my awful sex life. I used to dream that when I was in a relationship again, I�d rock the house and my windows would steam up. Not the case here.
We won�t talk about the �other� kinds of sex. Lets just say they were disasters of Hindenburg proportions and weren�t repeated. Because of Dave�s unwillingness..I went on strike thinking that might make him at least TRY but you know..it barely registered a blip on his radar. He doesn�t CARE that I�ve stopped doing things.
Oh..and I like spontaneity! I think sex should be wonderful and magical and you should do it when the mood strikes. Only problem is that David ONLY wanted to have sex after the sun went down and mostly when I was EXHAUSTED and almost asleep already.
Dave thinks he has a small penis. I�ve seen smaller. Much smaller. Dave�s is average. I don�t know who told him it was small. But he has no confidence about it and no matter how much I tried to build up his confidence about it..he is only convinced that a few positions work. Feel my pain here.
We are SO not compatible.
The next area..hmm..is his lack of confidence in general. Dave�s mom is a great lady and I love her. But she did everything for Dave his whole life because it was just easier that way. Imagine my annoyance when it emerged that he can do NOTHING alone. That involves, making dinner, doing laundry, cleaning, taking out the trash, grocery shopping, etc. Every time I turn around, he is asking me for help doing something I could do with my eyes closed. I get a little pissed but I encourage him to do it himself. Unfortunately, that has led to huge blowup fights, which I will talk about later. When it hasn�t resulted in a fight, it�s resulted in a huffy, long, drawn-out breath from me..and I get up to help him. I expect this from a 4 year old, but my daughter is 10 and she is far more �capable� than he is. Yesterday, I was doing 9 LOADS of laundry. I was hot and sweaty and he wanted me to go with him to the grocery store for his mom. There were 8 items on the list. He said it was �too hard�. I was incredulous, but I shouldn�t have been. Jackie ended up going with him.
Today, I�m relaxing after a long day at work. This SAME day, he slept in till like, 2 p.m. When I got home, he�d been up for a bit over a hour and a half. He comes home from picking up his check and he has to get ready for work. He can�t find his work shirt and pants in the basket. He wants me to get up and find them. I tell him to look, trying to encourage him. He finds them, but not before he UNFOLDS almost everything in the fucking basket. I bit my lip.
Dave�s mental illness. Whoa. This is so much bigger than me. I do not know how David survived to this age and someone didn�t kill him already. His parents have had to deal with his �problems� all of his life and his mouth usually writes checks his ass can�t cash.
You know..I�m used to David so I never really think twice about his behavior and mannerisms until we are around other people. I often find myself embarrassed because he really doesn�t know what�s appropriate and what�s not. He�s asked my neighbors for money, he�s engaged in conversation with people I�d not talk to at all, he tells random strangers things they don�t need to know. My friends and family have communicated to me in so many ways that he bothers them with the things he says and does. They don�t say anything because he is my boyfriend, but I KNOW.
A person looking at this from the outside might draw the conclusion that David is a loser. He is not a loser. He is just a very sick man who has a teenager�s mind. He has the body of an adult but the maturity of a 16 year old. You might think, looking at him, that he is a strong, capable guy. Truth is..he is victim to his own mind. He has limitations that I don�t see him surpassing. Because of his illness and limitations, I am worried about the choices he is making in his life. He has no concept of consequences.
The sad thing is..David has good intentions. He has a good heart. But people take advantage of that and use him. So, he does things for people in hopes that they will love him and be his friend, but he is always left holding the bag.
I saw this when we first got together, and I felt it was a flaw. Because I could see why he would allow himself to be used, I thought I could help him understand this and overcome and realize when people are using him. But it has been over a year and this has never changed.
My grandma was right when she said, �People don�t change. They just become more of who they are�. So I guess she was suggesting that people evolve, but they evolve into someone they are programmed by life, circumstances, genetics..to be. A person that is not strong will always think that things have to stay the same. A person who is strong and smart realizes that there is always SOMETHING that can be changed or dealt with differently.
I guess that�s where I am now. Being with David has actually highlighted some of my huge character flaws. I�m insecure, jealous, territorial and sometimes let my life control ME. I am prone to depression and my behaviors border on co-dependent. I don�t have the self-confidence I need to have, but I realize that I must work to change that. I have abilities and things to offer the world and other people..and I think it�s unfair to my own potential to be 32 years old and already giving up and drifting through my life.
So..I am making changes. I already enrolled in college classes for my associates degree in criminal justice. I have started thinking again about advocacy. My focus is changing. What is becoming distinctly clear is that when my life gets really moving..I will leave David behind. I�m sad about that because I feel protective over him. But you know..it�s not my JOB to protect and coddle David.
My job is to protect myself and my daughter.
Yes, I got a boyfriend, I got love, I got engaged, I had lots of sex.
It had a cost.
I am paying a price now. I am trying to work my way out of a bad living situation. I can�t YET afford to live without David so I am saving money to move on with my life. In the meantime, I hope he doesn�t act a fool AGAIN and cause problems with the neighbors. His temper tantrums have made me the laughingstock of the complex and I�m pissed that my good track record here has been ruined. I never had real problems the entire 6 years before David moved in. But his behavior has caused a ruckus and I�m worried.
His behavior. Um. Wow. Dave forgets to take his medicine and he goes apeshit. When he�s taking his medicine and getting enough sleep, we could go more than a month before he gets agitated and unbearable. But when he�s not getting those things..he turns into a royal asshole. Times like that, Dave doesn�t give a shit about me or anyone else. He slams doors, screams, destroys things. My precious daughter has seen this a couple of times. Before..when he did these things..I made him go to his mothers house. That always seemed to calm him down.
His mom SWEARS Dave has never hit a woman or child. Dave SWEARS he has never hit a woman or child. Yet, David was so out of control a week ago that I had to call the police on him. He punched the door, kicked the trash can and called me terrible names. Jackie took a walk with the neighbor so she did not see this going on. But I was humiliated. I had already perceived that if we were inside the apartment, he�d lose it even more. Maybe there was something in the air that day that told me that this time was different than the others, but I felt like I was in danger, so I stayed outside and let him humiliate me in front of the entire neighborhood. I have never felt so insignificant as I did then. I couldn�t believe that the same woman who stood up to her mother�s murderer over a year ago was the same woman sitting there letting him call me names. I�ve never called the police on any guy..and yet..I had to call on Dave last Monday.
By the time the police got there, he was done verbally abusing me. I just sat on my neighbors steps and cried. I just wanted him to leave. He never does just LEAVE when he is angry. He has to stay and make sure everyone is miserable and is upset as he is.
I realized that day, that whether he intends it that way or not, David is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I hate to admit to anyone that this goes on. We can have weeks of relative calm and things flowing evenly..and then..just like that..he snaps.
I realized that day..that we�d never marry, never reverse his vasectomy to have children..that nothing at all was in the future for us because I had been lying to myself all along. I had ignored the glaring signs that something was really, really wrong with this man. I had felt sorry for him because he seemed so lonely and never realized just why he had no real friends.
Was I that desperate? I question that. I was head over heels for Marc when I met Dave. Marc and I had come to an impasse..because he wasn�t ready for a relationship as I was. I didn�t process that information and deal with it. I leapt headfirst into a relationship with someone who was Marc�s opposite and totally wrong for me and I didn�t think twice about it.
Would I change anything? Maybe I would�ve just dated David instead of moving in with him so quickly. I would�ve seen soon enough that this man was too much trouble for me and I would�ve moved on. Instead..I leapt before looking, headfirst into a world of trouble.
A year and a half later..I realize that I have done myself and my precious daughter a disservice. If anything, Jackie has come to hate David. He fights with her verbally a lot. I step in a lot and tell him to shut the hell up.
I�m glad she learned to stand up for herself but not glad about the cost. The cost of being with David was the respect my daughter had for me. I fell off my pedestal. She looks at me differently now.
I have plans about how I am going to get away from David. It�s all part of a lot of steps I have planned. I�m going to do this in phases, right under his nose. I�m counting on the fact that he�s slow on the uptake so he won�t realize what�s truly happening. I have already realized that if he THINKS moving on with another woman is his own IDEA, I may not have to fight him at all to move out.
David has done some things with other women that have hurt me. This goes back to what is socially appropriate and good for a relationship, two things which he is oblivious about. He has talked about having sex with another woman and has been quick to hit on other women when I�ve made him leave. He is naturally a horn-dog so I�m hoping that he eventually gloms onto someone equally crazy as he is.
I said it. David is CRAZY. He is not right. There is something seriously wrong with his head. I dare say he might have borderline personality disorder or an avoidant personality issue. If you just sit and watch the way he acts, talks, spend money, makes friends, treats me..you�d realize that there is TOO MUCH going on beneath the surface. It�s taken me over a year to put all the pieces together.
I am much too consumed with working and being a mother to be strapped down to dealing with an adult child. I think the best thing for David would be living in a group home environment where they can make him take his medicine. He just cannot ever be responsible for his own self.
I used to feel sorry for Dave. I used to worry about what would happen to him if I was not in his life anymore. The thing is..I never signed up to care for him forever. I just hope that he has learned things from being in this relationship. I have taught him as much as I am capable of and I feel it�s time for me to hang up my hat.
I always said, I�d never be one of �those women�. Those women, being someone trapped in a relationship where they are not happy. I never thought I�d be feeling trapped with him. In the beginning, I felt so thrilled with him. It was so much fun. I can�t remember when it stopped being fun. I can�t remember when I started feeling trapped.
You know..when he moves out..I just might let him take EVERYTHING with him. After all, he declared bankruptcy and it�s all his now anyway. I think I�ll just keep my stuff and Jackie�s. He can have it all. I don�t want it anymore.
10:20 am - September 01, 2007
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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