I NEED to blog. God help me. Remember when I thought I was feeling "bipolarly twitchy"? Well...even though a doctor hasn't diagnosed me I believe fervently that I have high blood pressure.
This all began this summer, around the time I lost my job. I thought that losing my job and going through a lot of changes was aggravating my bipolar disorder. While that may be close to truth, I have been evaluating some of my strange physical symptoms. I HAVE been having some very odd physical symtoms that remind me of MS or lupus. I know I need to be tested. The strangest sensation by far is this feeling of electrical shock in my arms and in my head, which is really starting to bother me. And the fatigue is getting really bad.
Anyway..as far as the blood pressure..I have the symtoms of the high end of blood pressure problems. I am afraid one of these days I'm going to stroke out from stress..but I can't even afford to go to the doctor right now. So..I must reduce my stress or the way I react to it.
I'm finding hard to deal with Jackie's behavior lately and I find myself feeling like I'm going to explode and when I do feel like that it feels like there is this pulse in my head. Sometimes, the moment I pull in my parking space when I come home, I feel this tension gathering in my body because I am wondering what today's hormonal melee is going to bring.
I can recall specific times this year I have felt the same way. It's happened a lot, at least once a month, but right now my lips are numb and I felt exactly the same night I lost my shit with my friend.
Speaking of the friend, I miss her. I miss her a lot. But the more I think about it I know she'll never be able to understand me, which I don't hold against her. But it's like, I'm trying to make something happen where it's not going to by repeatedly trying to make sense of it and fix it when really...I am too damn weird for words. I'm okay with that.
My kind of normal is not the same as other people's.
The only thing I can hope is that she has learned a bit of compassion for people with bipolar disorder. I have learned a lot from her too and I will take what I have learned from her with me through the rest of my life.
I am truly sorry for all those I have ever hurt in my life. I am sorry that I have not been able to fulfill your expectations. I do have limitations..and although I have pushed the envelope on what I'm capable of this past year..I just feel like I've come to the end of being able to ever have a life that resembles normal. Again, I am okay with that.
I have come to terms with the fact that I have lost things in my life that I will never get back and I am okay with having lost. Sometimes you have to lose to appreciate the little things and having lost greatly (it sometimes being my own damn fault) and it is humbling to know the world does not revolve around me, my bipolar disorder and my past.
I've spent a lot of life in my own head. I don't know if that makes sense, but a person like me will spend their entire life evaluating and rearranging things to suit their taste. While I can't rearrange my past, I can only hope to manipulate my future a bit where I can be a better, more whole person. I never wanted to be part of a problem, just a solution.
If I became a problem in your life, I'm sorry. We move on. I learn. You learn. I grieve. You grieve. We live. We move forward.
I apologize to the universe for things I might have done that were unjust. I will not apologize though for standing up for myself. After a lifetime of silence, I determined that I would speak when I hurt and acknowledge my pain..and that heals me. So I hope you understand the need to put into words what I'm going through....and that I am not trying to wound others. I am just voicing my pain.
Things that were one way in my life a year ago are not the same anymore. The biggest being that I lost someone that I highly love and admire. The thing is, people outgrow each other. People change. While I am sad that I was no longer as important as I once was to this person, I recognize that she needed more, she needed something different, and she is just fulfilling her own needs.
My biggest issue is forgiveness. I may ask for forgiveness but I admit I am stingy as hell giving it out. Maybe it's because pain was all I knew for so long, that I hold my anger close to my heart so that it protects me from others. In the process of trying to protect myself, I sometimes hurt my bewildered loved ones wit my long silences and anger. Oh..and let's not forget everyone's favorite, my isolation.
I keep hearing that I need to forgive. There are five people in my lifetime that I need to forgive. I realize that
I am not absolving people of their responsibility for the shitty things they did to me, but I do need to let the anger go, because it really will ruin my life.
The responsibility for the shitty things done lies with the person who did it. You know...I can't remember the last time anyone asked for my forgiveness. And yet I find myself asking for it often. From God, from others.
Forgiveness is so hard for me. I have such anger in my heart towards those who loved me and left, those who abandoned me, those who died, those who hurt me with their words or actions, and lastly, the men in my life who have wounded me physically, sexually and mentally.
I realize all this anger I'm carrying around is hurting me..and I tell you, the burden is heavy. I'm recognizing now I need to lay this burden down so I can start to heal again. I know for a fact that anger is a stage of the healing process, but I've been stuck in in for a long time. I want to move on to the acceptance phase because I know there is a beautiful life waiting out there for me that is ready if I can just get over this.
I find myself talking a lot to the few girlfriends I have. One of them survived a domestic abuse situation and I am finding myself drawn to her. We are going to a Walk at Tower Grove Park for Domestic Violence on April 14th..and that will be our first outing as new girlfriends. She is going to me to my Victims Right's Rally in April. I am excited to go with her. FINALLY, someone who understands that anger.
Life is so full of changes right now. Things are happening that I have little control over and they are out of my hands. I declare now that I give my worries up to God because I have done all I can do..and I need help. I cannot do this alone.
I have David and he is my ROCK. I cannot tell you what a blessing it is to be with him. I do not know of our future, but I am enjoying now with him. It is tough..the both of us being bipolar..and my daughter is a walking fire-breathing hormone. Some days I want to go crawl under the covers and cry.
Life didn't come with an instruction book. It sort of would been nice to know that not all girls turn hormonal at age 11 or 12. Some start at age 9, or 10. It would be nice to know what the middle ground is with a child who is independent yet stretching her limits with me. I don't want her to be afraid to do things, but I want her to THINK.
I will write tomorrow. I have a lot more to talk about, like Jackie's stunts this week and the night this week that I worked in a room that served as a morgue during the civil war. Oh..and remind me to talk about that poor guy that just got back from Afghanistan. He just needed a friend. We talked.
Please pray for me. Please pray that I will find the strength to make it through this transitional time in my life and that I am able to do it with grace, unlike all the times I bumbled through and royally fucked up things in the past.
Please pray I find it in my heart to forgive. I know I need to forgive. I just do not know how.
7:32 pm - March 30, 2007
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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