I am going to keep this diary but I'm also going to start a new diary..about being bipolar and being in a relationship with someone who is also bipolar. I will let you all know when I do it.
I do not want to come across as long- suffering or a martyr...but I do need to talk about what's going on in my relationship without people thinking there is something seriously wrong with me or David.
I didn't know I was bipolar until a few years ago. I have lived with the diagnosis for about 3 years. Most of my life I've known there was something seriously wrong with me..but never knew what it was.
I do dare say..that those years I went undiagnosed were pure hell and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. The emotional torture and turmoil and angst made me absolutely want to die to rid myself of the pain.
I know that loving me was hard for people around me. I said things I didn't mean to say..I kept a wall up around me so no one could reach me..I'd isolate for months. Not to mention I've done things that have worried people around me..and when I was back to normal..worried myself.
I'm in a good place in my life right now..and I guess...I'm finding out what it was like to be around me all those years.
David really..um..confounds me sometimes. He really is a great guy. He is really sweet and loyal and loving. But when he gets himself wrapped up in bipolar agitation and irritation..it scares me. He cannot be talked out of whatever his emotion at that moment is.
I am not used to being in a relationship at all and thus..having an argument really upsets me. Especially when it makes no sense why we're arguing.
We're arguing..though there are few times we are..but when we do..it's 100% because he is obsessed with whatever we're talking about and about either getting his way or being right.
I sometimes wonder if he is the only one who is allowed to be bipolar..symptomatic..mad..upset. I wonder if he even remembers that I have issues too..and that as an emotional person..I get upset too..and that is fine..and he shouldn't take it as a personal affront.
I can see that I really need to take care of myself and make sure I feel validated and able to express myself. In the future...he doesn't know it yet..but since we're both bipolar..I think we should go to counseling to work out some methods of communicating that aren't confrontational.
Right now..the last few days..I feel myself bubbling up..and releasing tension like a pressure valve..and overreacting to situations. I don't want to keep letting it out like that..but if I don't..I'm going to blow up..and it's going to be ugly.
Things are calming down again..since Jackie is home. But I am more than a little irritated with David's illness. I know it is not his fault he is bipolar..nor is it mine that I am. But I am aggravated that he gets so mad about stupid things....and even though it hardly ever happens..it hurts me..because I don't like to fight.
I am mad that this illness has robbed me of so much. And now..I fall in love with a great guy..who has the illness..and I am so angry. Angry that we are going to have additional bumps in the road thanks to our mood disorder.
I'm not willing to walk away..not now.
But I'm angry that I even have to consider being willing to walk away or not. I hate this illness. I hate it with every fiber of my being.
There are treatment options available for this obsessive issue....but will he do it? I don't know.
I don't want it to come down to an ultimatum..because I don't think that's fair to do to people. But someday..it might. It's me..or this obsessive issue. Either you get treatment for it..or you lose me.
Either way..I don't know if I can deal with this forever.
I really love David..that's the hard part.
I love him.
12:04 pm - August 08, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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