So, the parole hearing. Those of you who read this know this was a huge thing for me.
First, I must state that Rene', my best guy friend, was a complete and utter *sswipe to me on the way to Jefferson City. I spend two weeks bathing him and taking care of him and the moment I need him to be a man and be there for me, he turns into a pig.
First off, I was driving. I didn't need him to drive me there. Second, I had plenty of offers from people willing to come with me. Who did I pick? Rene'. Third..the last thing I needed the night before I see the guy who tried to kill me is my best friend making me feel like absolute and utter sh*t for "making" him come with me. I did no such thing. I did not make him do anything. He volunteered. But to hear him tell it Tuesday night, I should bow down and kiss his ass for him coming with me.
Maybe you all don't know it yet, but he does, and forgets, that I'm a force to be reckoned with when I make up my mind. Years ago, I knew I was going to confront that *sshole who killed my mom and tried to kill me. I knew it was coming. Yes, I freaked out. Yes I had a panic attack. But this was all in the car on the way to Jefferson City. The last thing I needed at the time was Rene' whining in the backseat about whatever the hell was irritating him at that exact moment.
I'm not an evil b*tch. I don't talk down to people, and I'm definitely not abusive. But I was not myself Tuesday night, and Rene' got on my last f-ing nerve. At one point, right after I saw a funnel cloud and hail was falling on the windshield, he told me I was being irrational because the weather was scaring me.
That was it.
I pulled over by a silo. I turned around in my seat, gave him the death stare and told him "Shut your f-ing mouth". He did not know what to say..because that is completely out of character for me. But he did shut up for a while. You don't f*ck with a woman going through what I was. Very stupid indeed.
By the time we got to my Uncle's, I was beyond pissed. Instead of helping him out of the car, I let him figure it out.
He was all apologetic by now, and since my family was around, he was all sweetness and light. But I remembered what he had done..and I wasn't about to forget it. I would file it away for the next time he asked me to come over and change his brace. F*cker.
I had 3 messages on my cell from my buddies. Matthew, Marc and Christopher had all called. Unfortunately, the storm had knocked down some towers, so I didn't get the messages until 11:30 that night.
I couldn't sleep anyway. I stayed up late talking to Marc. He was offering me support. Sweetheart.
The next day, I felt so calm. I felt the inner b*tch emerge. She doesn't come out often, but Wednesday was the perfect day for it to happen. I was so calm.
We got to the prison, and after a brief mix-up about which prison he was at, we found the right one.
Inside, my therapist, the Victim's Advocate. Prison officials. Me, my uncle, my aunt, and Rene'.
It was in that moment I knew my life was about to change forever.
I shivered.
They asked me if I wanted to be in the rooom when my attacker was in there. Of course, I only waited all my life to confront him. I was no longer afraid, just very f-ing angry and determined.
We went into the room. There was a long table. Across the table were the 3 parole board members, two men and a woman. The woman was sitting in the middle. I knew instantly that she meant business. She smiled at me, and I felt myself relax.
On my side of the table, me and my uncle and two empty chairs at the other end. "We will bring the prisoner in now".
I don't know what I thought I'd feel, but I wasn't scared. No, I was angry. When he came in, he didn't even look at me. You can bet your sweet ass I was looking at him.
I was asked to read my statement. I did, enunciating and punctuating every dirty, disgusting, graphic detail of my mother's murder and the attempted murder of me and my sister. I deliberately slowed my words so that I could sit and watch him squirm.
I felt strong.
My uncle read his statement. He cried, poor guy. It hurts to see your big old manly uncle cry by the way. I grabbed his hand. It's weird, when I was little he used to comfort me, and now I was comforting him.
I made my uncle sit back. The only thing separating me from the murderer was my uncle and a sheriff's deputy. I knew in that moment, that if those two weren't there, I would've kicked his motherf*cking ass for all the hell and pain and agony and surgery and loss and sadness and depression and suicidal thoughts and night terrors and doubt and hatred he caused me in my lifetime.
I wanted him to know I was staring at him. It was only 4 feet between us, but I leaned my body out enough to where I knew he could sense I was looking at him. He was staring straight ahead, but he knew I was watching and he was fidgeting.
He fidgeted a lot.
The jig is up motherf*cker. You messed with the wrong b*tch.
He tried to make a statement about being innocent, but the parole board would have none of it, telling him he was convicted by a jury, and that he was most certainly guilty and that unless he had something else to say, he needed to be quiet.
I snickered.
Then, his stupid idiot daughter tried to pay me some lip service about never knowing my pain and all that happy bullshit all the while blowing smoke up my ass, but I was on to her, and I was not impressed.
Then, she started in about the innocent crap too, and they shushed her too. Her little 5 page statement got reduced to a paragraph. Her faced turned red. I almost laughed out loud.
Then, they brought up some very damning information from the murder he committed in 1972...stuff I didn't know. But now he is even more of a piece of shit than I ever thought. I didn't think you could be any lower than dog crap, but I found out he killed a guy and dumped his body in the Mississippi River. So much for the guy being so much bigger than him so he had to defend himself. He was asked by the parole board, "If the guy was so big, how were you able to pick him up and dump his body in the river?" I thought he was going to swallow his tongue.
You know, it was all over in an hour. I made him squirm for an hour. What I figured out at that moment, is that I'm no longer afraid of him. I am free. My soul has been liberated.
I faced my greatest fear: him.
I feel so awesome today...now comes the wait for the results. But the vibe I get is that he's not getting out anytime soon. I even think he might die in there. Good.
**********************************
Thank you all for the support and love and prayers you have offered up on my behalf. Bless you.
7:18 am - April 21, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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