I just went outside and did a weather check. It�s going to be beautiful today. I think the forecast called for 70 degree temps.
I needed some sunshine after yesterday. The rain we had yesterday was so fitting�.
I think that my distracting myself all week I did myself more harm than good. Because I pushed my emotions down, they all surfaced yesterday anyway.
Saying �goodbye� to someone you love is never easy. Especially when they die suddenly. In my case, Ruth died suddenly, and I�ve realized over the past few days that I did not know her like I should have. I cursed myself for keeping that wall up until it was too late.
I think I�ve said it before; that I naively hoped that death would somehow escape my adopted family. I was adopted into the family after Grandpa Richard died, so I never experienced that sort of loss with them. For 14 years, they have loved me and welcomed me and accepted me. If anything convinced me I was a true member of the family, it was the things that went on this week. Not only was I wanted to be around, but I was needed.
I need to feel needed, if you didn�t know that already.
When I left home yesterday morning, storm clouds were rolling in from the west. The sky looked dark and brooding. Rain started to fall, like tears from heaven, when I got close to the funeral home.
I did not want to go inside.
When I drove up, an attendant asked me if I was going to be in the procession. I was not; I was going to ride with my cousin, since I knew I�d get lost in Illinois on my own. So, I parked on the other side.
I sat in my car and waited. Rain began to fall in earnest then. Thunder ripped through the darkening sky.
I distracted myself by listening to Seal. Jackie was very quiet. I knew that she must�ve been thinking too, about what was coming.
Pretty soon, everyone started arriving, so we decided to go inside. It is a beautiful funeral home. Very ornate and nice looking.
I went to call Matthew. Jackie sat in the non-smoking lounge and I went into the smoking lounge. I called Matthew, hoping to hear his voice but knowing I�d probably get voice mail. I just needed the comfort of hearing his voice.
I got him after all. Our conversation was only a minute or so long, but it was enough to give me some strength, and I was grateful.
Summer arrived. I�ve seen her lot this week, but I guess I should expect to. She is my sister Maggie�s best friend. She used to be my best friend, 12 years ago..or so.
It�s never easy to talk to her, because there is that big white elephant in the room. You try to ignore it, but it�s still there.
Now when I think about that incident, which I will elaborate on someday, I just remember the hurt and the pain and the feeling of betrayal. And of course, the shock of hearing myself call her all sorts of names after finding out she was involved with my boyfriend.
Now, I will never let a man split a friendship. But it�s a lesson I learned the hard way. I had to lose a friend of 4 years over a guy, to learn, some things just aren�t worth fighting over. He wasn�t worth it. Now, I hear, he�s an alcoholic who abuses his wife. Whether that�s true or not, I don�t know. But I do remember he loved his beer and he had a temper. He only hit me once, but I punched him back, and we got in a car accident. That was the end of that.
And my sister�s boyfriend. He�s another guy that just�rubs me the wrong way. I don�t know if it�s because of our different personalities or the fact that he comes off as seeming like he feels superior to other people. I just..tolerate him.
He�s opinionated, and of course, his opinion is the only one that�s right and the only one that counts. Add that to the fact that his only son has an IQ of like, 170 or something, and he�s so proud of that fact..and he�s such a proud peacock that something that brilliant came from his loins.
Yesterday though, he was almost human. And I ALMOST liked him and ALMOST even cared about him. We were nice to each other.
The period before the service, I talked with a lot of my Aunt�s students. One in particular, an EMT/Paramedic, really loved her and viewed her as a mother figure. We talked a lot. He was really sweet.
It�s really too hard to write about the service. I hated seeing my family cry. I�ve never seen any of them cry.
But I will mention I came undone when my sister Maggie got up to speak, and when they played the song that Jackie chose �Somewhere over the Rainbow� by Israel (the Hawaiian singer).
In the procession to the cemetery, we had two police escorts on motorcycles. The procession was about 50 cars long, so that was a good thing.
I rode with my cousin Karen and her boyfriend Jay. I was happy because I did not have to drive in the rain. And listening to Journey and some 80�s music helped get my mind off of things.
It was supposed to be 70 degrees, but because the rain had cooled things off, I was freezing. One of the nice men from the funeral home saw that I was cold, and he got a blanket out of the limo for me.
Gratefully, I hugged him and opened up the blanket and wrapped it around my arms.
Now, I wasn�t distracted by being cold.
We had a short graveside service.
My tears had finally stopped. I had closure.
We went to eat at my Grandma�s church. I sat with my cousins and chatted with the EMT. He had gastric bypass surgery over a year ago and lost 160 pounds. He was telling me how happy he was. He promised to be a friend and a support to me in my weight loss.
Of course, we hugged.
When I got home, I breathed a sigh of relief. A very long week was over. I will miss my aunt deeply; she was truly a wonderful, loving, genuine bubbly person.
If I learned anything, it�s to pull the walls down. Yes, it will hurt when they die. But now I know I�d rather love someone with everything I have, and know them well, than have regret at a graveside service.
9:45 am - April 07, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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