Well Jason popped up on IM last night at 9:45 or so. Too bad I go to bed at 10. Doesn't bode well if we can't even hook up on IM. He seems like a sweetheart, but maybe it's not meant to be.
I need to IM a lot, before I can even entertain the notion of meeting somebody. I learned that with the other Jason. I rushed it because he was an impatient ass and I ended up resenting him for not letting me take my time.
I still hate chat rooms. People can be so slutty, dirty, seedy and insincere. I can't tell the 40 times I've had pop up's of penis's and boobs since I started a couple of weeks ago. I mean, it is nice to know a guy has a big one. But it's not a prerequisite.
And I really don't want to see it before I've met you, mkay?
At work, I still have a crush on Xavier. (I made up that name too). I have a weakness for the average looking guy. He's a big guy, at least 6'2. A little heavy but not much and it certainly doesn't retract from his looks at all. We're really only the few single people left in the office. I'd like to talk to him more but I think it's bad politics to have a romance at the office. So, that is probably not going anywhere.
I had a dream last night about my old boyfriend Jerry. I was so happy to see him because I often think of him and wonder what happened to him. I admit to doing an occasional google search to see if anything about him pops up, but all I have found out is that he's still alive.
How to write about Jerry....
Think of the most beautiful person of the opposite sex that you've ever met in your life. Did you date them? Was it surreal or what?
I met Jerry 6 months after Nick and I broke up. Nick was my high school sweetheart and because this is a public diary I won't write exactly about why we split up after almost 4 years. But suffice it to say that there was some "diddling" going on. And he wasn't doing it to me. Since I was so fat, exactly 30 pounds overweight, I was no longer his fantasy so he began to look elsewhere. I just never knew the girl he chose would be someone I loved.
But anyway, I was devastated over that whole thing. I moped for a month or two, and that was when I discovered the gay scene. By this time I was in college, and people were really cool. It seemed you didn't have to deal with all the BS you deal with in high school.
I met a girl named Lyssa in one of my classes. Turned out she lived right down the street from me. We just clicked. She had tons of gay guy friends and invited me to hang out with them one Thursday night.
So that's how I found Fall*out. This club was primarily male most of the week. Which I was fine with, because by now I was totally sick of heterosexual males. Men had hurt me throughout my life, but I wasn't threatened by gay men. In fact, I was comforted. They accepted me into the fold. I pretty much became a hag.
Anyway, the weekends were pretty soon 75% gay males, 15% straight females, 5% lesbian and 5% straight males. I knew straight men were in the club, but I didn't want to find out which ones were.
I stayed in my little cacooon with Jermemiah, Sean, Fred and Tong. Eventually, I met a lot of great guys and they were so sweet to me.
Once I entered this life I pretty much left my old, unglamorous life behind. I started drinking like crazy, even though I was underage. I knew I could get away with it at Fall*out, so I did.
Dancing 3-4 nights a week burns a lot of calories. I lost the 30 pounds I gained with Nick and then some. I felt so beautiful and validated and accepted. It was during this time that I also began to question my sexuality. In this atmosphere, it wasn't weird that I was doing this.
I just didn't have the capacity to trust men anymore. Straight ones anyway.
I still prefered men to women, but I was not turned off by the thought of being with a woman either. I flirted a little with some girls, but it didn't really lead to much. I just didn't have the nerve, because despite how I felt inside, I'd been brought up to believe homosexuality was wrong, and I could not move past that barrier.
I went back to being Missy: Undecided and hung out with my friends. Some said I was bi and I accepted that I probably was.
It was totally by surprise that I met Jerry. I was dancing on a platform with Tong and it was really hot in the bar. We went out on the balcony to cool off. It was June but the air was a little cool. The night was dark and the moon was full. The stars were out.
Nightlife buzzed all around us. I chatted with Tong about something inconsequential. It was getting pretty boring in the bar that night, so we were watching people getting out of their cars and coming in, hoping they would liven it up in there.
I remember seeing a late model black BMW pull up and park. I remember inhaling sharply as this beautiful man got out of it. It was a little dark but I could see he was tall, had a gorgeous body, had blond hair and light colored eyes. You could tell by the way he walked he was born and bred a privileged man.
I was practically slobbering on myself. Tong was speechless.
I spoke first, "Oh, my God. He can't possibly be straight."
"Coming here. No way. Unless he knows somebody inside." Tong said. We watched him pay the doorman (Todd, a man of many piercings and questionable sexual persuasion, but damn, he was sexy too).
I knew this guy would be swarmed on when he got inside and I knew that I was no competition anyway. There were a lot of gorgeous gay men inside.
I started to get a headache.
Tong and I went inside and we went back to our table. The queens chatted about something or another. Hazy lines of smoke drifted towards the Andy Warhol-type Annette Funicello portraits.
I looked around for that greek God. I did not see him. I was bored. I decided to call a cab and go home.
My friend Sean was a bartender there. He kept my purse behind the bar so it wouldn't get stolen. My head had started to pound. I asked Sean for my purse and put my head down on the bar.
"Leaving so soon?" It was a deep voice. I looked up into see the beautiful man. His eyes were green. I couldn't speak, but I had to act non-chalant or chance blowing my cover.
I turned around, purse in hand, and hopped up on a bar stool.
We began talking. I did not hear much he said, because my heart was pounding in my ear. It turns out, he had seen me. He told me his name was Jerry, and he was 30.
And he had watched me and thought I was beautiful (I blushed in the darkness of the club). He had heard about this bar from a guy at his job (an insurance company) but the joke was on him. Fall*out being a gay bar and all.
I could sense the jealous stares of the queens around me, but this was my time, and my chance, and I didn't really care what they thought.
But we just started talking. And it got to be 3 in the morning, and I knew I did not want to stop talking to him. I had never seen someone so gorgeous in my entire life. Everything that came out of his mouth was like a melodic chant.
Usually, I'd not get in the car with a guy I had just met, but I felt safe with him. Me and my friends decided to go to East St. Louis to a bar called City Center. There were drag shows over there.
I asked Jerry if he wanted to go, and he did. So my friends took down his social security number and his license plate number and we followed them to east St. Louis in his car.
I cannot remember what he talked about, but I was out there. I was already a little fuzzy from having a few drinks. I was high from talking to this man. I was in my first BMW ever. I had never felt so awesome in my life.
We got over to City Center. My friends ran off and he and I sat in the Piano Bar. He did not take his eyes off me the entire time we were there. We spent the next 2 hours talking like old friends. I could feel a tension, a sexual tension, and I knew that I would have sex with him.
I had only been with a few guys. After all, I was only 19. It was not like me to have sex with a stranger. But before I knew what I was saying, I told him I did not want the night to end right there, and I asked him to take me home with him.
He held my hand tightly. I studied his short blonde hair, his green eyes, his patrician nose, his sultry mouth, his strong jawline, his linen shirt outlining the muscles in his abdomen.
The anxiety was about to kill me. I just had to have him. We started driving out to his home in Clayton, but we never made it. We pulled over to some gorgeous park and made love in the backseat. Seal was playing softly on the radio. The leather smelled new, and I could tell it was making an indentation in my back and neck. He must've senses this, because he cradled the back of my head in his hands.
The moonroof was open. Soft rain was falling. I could hear the crickets. I thought I would surely die from bliss...it felt like I was drifting on a cloud, in the arms of this strong and beautiful man.
I never felt so beautiful with Nick.
After a while, it was over.
He lay on top of me and he was heavy and muscular, but I did not care. I breathed in his scent, something like Drakkoir Noir or something like that. His breathing finally slowed.
He touched my face and kissed me. It was so sweet and intimate. He held me while the sun came up. We got dressed. Turned out, the park was near his home. He told me to look up on the bluff. And there was his house. We never made it to his house. I am a tramp, I guess.
He told me he walked down to this park all of the time. "I want to show you something". Enya was now playing on his radio.
There was a bridge that spanned this pond. It looked like Japanese Cherry Trees surrounded the pond, but I'm pretty sure it only looked like that. Enya played on his radio, and I stood in the middle of the bridge looking out, thinking,"If I never see him again, I don't care. I'll always have this memory". And he came up behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist, and kissed my neck. We didn't say anything.
I had to go home. It was 7 in the morning or so. "What was that music you had playing on your stereo?" And that's how I fell in love with Seal. I've been listening ever since.
I thought he'd never call me again, but he did. We went out often. My family was puzzled that I, a 19 year old, would want to date a 30 year old. But after they saw him, they understood.
There was a lot more to Jerry than his looks. He was cultured, sophisticated, intelligent, funny, easy-going, kind and he got along with all types of people. We could go anywhere and he would converse easily with people. He had a way of making you feel like you knew him all your life.
We went out for 3 blissful months. Most of the time, he would hang out with me and my friends. Other times, we'd do things that he liked to do. I was never bored.
But I knew, as time went by, that we'd never be anything permanent. What we had then was in the "now". It was in that time's "present". We were together for that moment in our lives. And even though we meant something to one another, our age differences, life experiences and financial situation were things that we work against us.
One thing we bonded over was trauma. I told him about my near death experience and being molested. He told me about the day his babysitter tried to drown him in a lake.
There was so much pain in his life. And as much as he was surrounded by people, he felt alone. We had that in common.
I don't remember exactly why we broke up, but I knew it was for those reasons. I was sad, but buoyed by the memory of the beautiful thing we had together.
One of the last times we were together was at my friend Patrick's house. We had finished having sex and we were laying next to each other breathless. I had sensed there was something different about him. What disturbed me is that I realized that this differentness was something I had ignored.
He was freaking me out. His pupils were dilated. He was a little pale.
I took him outside after we got dressed.
"Jerry, what is going on with you?" He focused on my face for a second and he smiled. He kissed me gently on the lips and the forehead.
"I have a problem". And I knew it was drugs. What I also knew in an instant was that he'd had this problem for a long time. I tried to pull him out of it, but I couldn't. That night when he left, I knew it would be the last time I'd see him as my boyfriend. He was gone.
I was sad. He was just a shell. Why handn't I seen it? It was all a facade. He was like a Christmas present. Only, when you open the box, it's empty. He was never really mine, you see. But I had loved him all the same.
A few months later, I was with a new boyfriend and we were at the mall. My new boyfriend was a cutie too, and I really liked going out with him. I was all into him when I looked down the hall and there was Jerry.
My whole world stopped for a moment. He was looking at me also. He began to run toward me. I began to run a little too. I left my boyfriend behind and ran towards Jerry. He grabbed me and enveloped me in a bear hug. "I missed you!" He told me. He had just come from a job interview. Doug caught up to us and was staring suspciously at me and Jerry. It was pretty obvious that there was still some electricity between us.
I realized I was being rude. "Oh, Jerry, this is my boyfriend Doug". Doug stuck out his hand. Jerry hesitated for a moment, but he shook Doug's hand.
Doug started to say something else, but Jerry got tears in his eyes. I did too. I can't explain it. But he told Doug, "Take care of this girl." And he walked away, and out of my life, forever.
I don't know what happened to you Jerry, but I hope life has been good to you. Obviously, you got clean, and I'm proud of you.
I'll always miss you.
Missy
5:57 pm - March 20, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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