There has been so much going on in my life that I�m not sure where to start. Things have just been nuts lately.
I feel so much liberation in doing the things that once scared me. But dating is a whole another ball game.
I met a really sweet guy online. We were in a chat room for people in our city and we just started talking. His name is Joe.
I felt an immediate comfort with him that is foreign to me. Even so, I had a lot of reservations about opening up that door again.
I established my boundaries right away, and he pretty much respected them. When there was something I wasn�t comfortable talking about I let him know, and he respected that.
We met on Saturday. I took Jackie. A friend suggested that Jackie meet him and that I should see what her reaction is to him before I do anything else.
We met at Denny�s. He wanted to go someplace nicer, but I felt that at a place like Denny�s you know right away you either have something or you don�t. There�s no fake mood or ambiance to color your experience.
I felt something for him when we met. Now I know that it was an immediate bond. I felt safe around him. I had dessert because I�d already ate dinner. He and Jackie had an entr�e.
We talked the entire time. It was really nice.
My initial impression is that he�s a nice, easy going guy. It�s obvious to me he�s often gotten the short end of the stick in life. And his experiences with dating were varied.
He seemed interested in what I had to say. And I was interested in what he had to say. Jackie piped up a lot with a comment or two and he humored her. He was very nice to her and didn�t treat her like a dumb little kid, which is insulting, and a lot of guys do it. He realized that Jackie was a part of the package.
Jackie and I left after a couple of hours, partly because I had to take my medicine and partly because of the tornadic thunderstorms that were bearing down on our city. I do not like driving in that stuff.
It was obvious he wanted to spend more time with us but he did not make me feel guilty for wanting to go.
When we got home we chatted on the internet for a while.
Sunday, I was very busy. Rene� and I took Jackie out to where Mom is house-sitting in Clayton. We had lunch at this gourmet pizza place called �Il Vicino�. It was the best pizza I�ve ever had. It was not expensive at all. 4 people at for $32.00. If you ever want to go and you�re in St.Louis, hit this place. Not only is the staff courteous and professional, they also give the kids a ball of dough to play with.
I have to bring up the fact that mom was drinking S. Pellegrino mineral water. I�ve never tried it so when we got ready to leave I bought some.
Maybe it�s that I�m not sophisticated or that it�s a taste you get used to. But I thought that this $3.00 bottle of carbonated water tasted like brackish water. I couldn�t decide if it tasted like it came from a lake or from the ocean. Yuck!
But I still drank it, because when you pay $3.00 for something you�d normally pay 99 cents for, you�ll drink it.
I like to try everything once.
After dropping Mom and Jackie off, Rene� brought me back home. We talked about the fact that he had a �girl� at his apartment. I know he was blushing because he was embarrassed, but I don�t believe for a minute that he really copped a feel. He�s not like that. But I still enjoyed teasing him.
When I got home, I decided to go ahead and install the Samsung printer I�d bought at Best Buy on Friday. I hooked up the USB cable, the power cord and all that. I go to put the printer cartridge in, and the stupid thing was too big! I was so mad. I reread the instructions like 6 times and couldn�t not get it to go in. So, I put everything back in the box and carted that big old thing back to Best Buy. Of course, the Geek Squad waiting line was a mile long, but they were quick!
I got up to the counter and I explained to the lady what happened. I told her I wanted the same model but asked her if she�d open the box to make sure it had the proper ink cartridge. She fiddled around with something and said, �It�s in!� and I cursed. I couldn�t help it. Well, turns out you had to pull down this practically invisible panel to make room for the cartridge. I was so embarrassed.
I took it back home and had it hooked up in less than a minute and it works like a charm.
Then I had to go do laundry. It was hot as hell in that place. It was close to 75 degrees outside and felt like 85 in the laundry mat.
While I did laundry I called Lisa and told her I�d met up with Joe the night before. She was excited for me.
When I got home, I got to work doing some housework. I loaded up the dishwasher and pulled out the trash and started throwing papers away that had just been lying around.
I realized it was pretty late when I heard the music for �Charmed� come on the TV. I was so exhausted I didn�t feel like going anywhere, so I got online to talk to Joe.
We had a good conversation, but I had started to think during the day about this new relationship. I realized I was not ready to get serious with anyone. I knew that we had to try to be friends first and see what develops. I did not want him to hate me if things did not work out.
Still, I knew I�d made a friend for life. It speaks a lot about where I am in life that I�d rather have a friend than a boyfriend. I am doing a lot of healing work and right now, I�m not sure how good I�ll be for anybody when I�m devoted to taking care of myself. I knew I had to tell him, and it had to be Monday.
I dreaded it a bit.
Here I had joked around with him about vacations and homes and all of that, but now I was starting to think that I was not really ready for any of that, and I don�t know when I will be.
I had an issue where I perceived he was being pushy about something, and that made me mad. When I feel someone is trying to push me in any way, I get angry and dig my feet in. I did not want to do this to him, because he really is a sweetheart.
I�ve spent much of my life not respecting my own boundaries and not asking anyone else too either. I am now at the point where I realize that these boundaries are for my own protection and I need them in place right now so I feel safe. Feeling safe is very important to me right now. And it does take me a while to feel safe with a person.
Monday, I had a really rough day at work. Still, when I had a minute, I thought about what I was going to say to Joe. I knew I did not want to lead him on or hurt him in any way. I am not that kind of person. But I knew I had to be honest with him about where I am in my life right now.
We met up at Applebee�s. He went to give me a hug and I felt myself stiffen up a little bit. It was nothing against him, but I was steeling myself for some sort of argument. When people get their feelings hurt this sometimes happens.
But it didn�t happen. I laid it all out on the table and he totally listened. He held my hands as I explained to him why I couldn�t commit to being anything but friends right now. He smiled when I told him that I wasn�t attracted to him even though I felt a bond. I even mentioned how I was not attracted to Rene� when we met either.
But either way, I had to get it off my chest and was relieved when he did not get up and walk out of the restaurant. He smiled and was very nice to me.
I went home feeling very happy with the way the whole thing turned out. However, when we got on the net later, I felt a little awkward. I�m sure in time that will pass.
The dating thing is very strange to me. I think that�s why I absolutely have to be friends with someone a while before I can expect anything else. If I don�t have that familiarity and comfort, nothing will ever develop. Because I�ve been hurt bad in my past relationships. And lots of things in my life were bad enough to scar me forever. Trusting people never brought good things until the last few years. Even now, it�s hard to completely trust.
I hope I will grow from this experience.
By the way, Jackie liked Joe. She told me so. I guess that�s a good thing.
10:31 am - March 14, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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