It�s late at night and I�m trying to type. But I need to record what happened today. If for nothing else, I can look back someday and realize how brave I was for what I did.
I�ve sometimes written about the fact that I have always felt my body was owned by Rod*ney and Derw*in. They both violated me in sadistic ways, and throughout my life, I�ve felt their tentacles on me. Not only did they own my body but my brain too. It�s hard to explain, but I never felt truly free until today.
Sometime in the past few weeks, I�ve started doing things that challenge and maybe even scare me a little. It�s been very hard to push through the fear, but I�m doing it. I used to think fear was the only way to live. But it�s not like that anymore.
Challenging myself seems to get easier little by little each day. I haven�t taken the long way home in over two weeks. The highway is not so scary anymore. I stay in the first lane for now, but I know a time will come when I can get in there with the rest of the traffic and move through the lanes without fear.
Someday soon, I will work up the nerve to get on the highway and drive to work in traffic. That is scary. Traffic is unnerving to me because I am not in control. It�s the goon next to me fiddling with his radio. It�s the old lady, who can hardly see over the steering wheel, on the cell phone. It�s the young girl chatting with her friends. It�s the guy who�s got a big truck and thinks that he rules the road and intimidates drivers like me. And maybe a little of it is me. The woman/girl who�s scared.
So many phobias, so little life left to give to them. I think about all the years I was robbed of simple things like sleeping well, feeling safe, and being comfortable in my environment. Have I ever told you�I don�t like going to the movies a lot? I think it�s because I felt I spent much of my life observing other people living their lives, sitting in a dark room. Going to the movies is much like that experience.
It�s a wonder that I�m not in a padded cell, but since I�m not, it�s time to really live.
That itself is a scary decision. I�m going to be going outside of this little fortress I�ve built for myself and interact with the world. Interacting with the world carries the danger of being hurt and vulnerable. But interacting with the world also carries the chance that wonderful things will open up for me.
I�m tired of wondering what that blackberry pie tastes like. It�s not something I�d usually do, but what the hell. After making myself eat bologna sandwiches all my life, I�m ready to try that blackberry pie and cr�me Brule. I�m ready to taste champagne. I want to try it all, maybe even sushi.
So, you�re wondering, what happened today? Well, I pierced my nose. I mean, I had it pierced. I didn�t think I�d go through with it. When I brought it up to Lisa two weeks ago, I think she was shocked. She was probably thinking �Girl, you have really gone off the deep end now�. But she smiled and I knew she supported me.
Mom picked Jackie up today, and I sat there wondering what I was going to do. The house was a pigsty, but who wants to clean when they are temporarily childfree?
I went to Petsmart and bought guinea pig food, gerbil food, bedding and some water bottles. Pretty mundane. And then I drove over to McDonald�s to get some fattening food. Big Mac and a 42 oz coke, so you know.
And I was pulling out of there, and something possessed me to go to the ATM and get out $60.00 and go get my nose pierced. I couldn�t believe I was actually thinking about going through with it.
I drove down to �Craig�s Tattoo�s�. After trying for a year to find decent parking, I gave up and parked on a neighboring street. When I walked in, I distinctly got the feeling that Craig wasn�t having much business. When he told me he only did tattoo�s, I was disappointed.
I drove off in search of a place I thought was over by Ronnie�s cinema. I thought I�d remembered seeing a shop with �piercings� and �body jewelry� in the window. That was fruitless too.
I then set off for the Mall. They have a Piercing Pagoda on the lower level. I parked my car and as soon as I got out, my heart started to pound. My hearing intensified so much that I could hear my water pills bouncing around in the prescription bottle inside my purse.
Once I got inside, I was on a mission. I headed straight for the Piercing Pagoda, not even deterred by the �12 tarts for $12.00� sign at Yankee Candle (which is a damn good deal, especially now since their tarts are up to $1.60 each).
I looked at some body jewelry, trying to work up the nerve to talk to the perky and surprisingly non-pierced salesgirl. She noticed me first.
�Can I help you?� She asked. My heart started to pound.
�Yes, do you do nose piercing?�
�No, and no one in the mall does them either�. How the hell do you call yourself Piercing Pagoda but you don�t do noses?
Man, this night was not getting any better and I was burning up a half-tank of gas trying to find a place. By a stroke of luck, I decided to call Lisa and she told me that there was a tattoo/piercing place in the outer city limits of Arnold. It was a long drive and it was nighttime. But I really didn�t care. I was determined.
I drove for a long while, but I found it. I parked and nervously opened my door. I took a deep breath and got out of the car. I know it must�ve been chilly out, but my hands were sweating. I walked down around the front. I noticed 3 people sitting outside.
Immediately this many-pierced girl asked me how I was doing. I knew I�d found the place. I looked up. The name of it was Enchanted Dragon.
I looked back down at her, feeling dowdy in my eyeglasses, loose bun, baggy pants and blue top with flowers on it.
�I�m really scared�.
�Well, Melissa, don�t beat around the bush, tell us how you really feel�, I thought to myself.
She flicked her cigarette and smiled. I noticed how her lip was pierced and wondered how painful that had been. �What are you wanting to have done?� she asked.
�Nose piercing�, was all I could get out. My face felt like it was flaming. Sweat was starting to pool in my bra.
She told me I could rest outside or come in when I was ready. I went in behind her. I was immediately struck by the music. It seemed like some type of heavy Goth metal. I was uncomfortable about it. But I think the feeling I got in there had a lot to do with how frigging scared I was!
I looked around. The walls were covered with tattoo designs. I could hear the sound of someone being tattooed. Man, I was starting to feel nauseous. Every cell in my body wanted to bolt out the front door, but I knew it was now or never. I let her make a copy of my driver�s license and I filled out a waiver saying I was healthy and understood that the shop was not to be held liable in any manner. I knew what I was getting into.
I had two turns to wait.
While I sat there, I tried to think happy thoughts. I thought that this was just like an ear piercing. I thought a lot about the fact that I was going to do something that would change my life somehow, and I was happy about that.
While sitting in the brightly lit shop, thinking happy thoughts, I noticed that this girl was going to get her tongue pierced. I thought, �She has some big balls�. But I also noticed she had five other piercings on her face, so this was probably nothing new to her.
I watched her piercer get her instruments ready. The piercer, man, she was beautiful in this gothic/club kid sort of way. She was beautiful in her uniqueness. She had long black hair. She had her ears pierced in a few places, like on the earlobe and up higher. She had a small nose piercing, but that was it. Mostly, I admired her confidence and grace. Oh man, girls like that could turn a straight girl gay. She had this exotic Vita Don Teese quality.
Ms. Tongue-piercing didn�t even flinch when her tongue was pierced. She became my hero. I sort of thought she had went overboard on the whole piercing thing, but something I learned tonight was important. I used to think that people that pierced their bodies in places besides their ears were sort of strange, maybe even bad. I know that�s stupid, but maybe that�s just what I was raised to believe.
Now I know, they are just regular people, who express themselves through piercings and tattoos. I think every tattoo has a story, and I�ll respect that, as long as it�s not some Na*zi/White Supr*emacy crap.
It was my turn. In slow motion, I swallowed hard, and picked up my purse and walked behind the counter. While the piercer was cashing out Ms. Tongue-Piercing, I hopped up on the table. My hands were shaking and sweating like crazy. My heart was pounding and I could feel it in my head and in my heart.
She turned around to face me, and again, I was struck by her beauty. Strangely, I noticed her liquid black eyeliner and decided to try to make little feathery tails of mine like she did hers.
She showed me all of the instruments. After I picked out my nose jewelry, a small diamond, she put it in this anti-microbial bath to sit. Then she showed me the q-tips, all sanitized, the needle (brand new), and then she swabbed the inside and outside of my nose with this anti-microbial stuff.
I was so scared I thought I was going to throw up. She caught my eyes, and in the most reassuring voice she told me to breathe in when she told me, and breathe out when she told me, and the pain would be quick.
And even though at that moment she was putting this little pipe looking thing up in my nose to catch the needle when it came through, I wanted to run, I stayed.
I breathe in at her command.
I breathed out, and it was over.
All of the sudden, I started to cry. She asked me if it hurt. No, darling, it didn�t hurt.
�It�s just that I just now took my body back from men that tried to kill me and molested me�, I whispered. I felt so free. It was such a rush.
�I am so glad I could help you do that,� She said, and she seemed genuinely touched.
�I don�t normally tell people that,� I confided. And she turned around and smiled at me. �Don�t worry, I won�t tell a soul�.
�Can I hug you?� I asked her. And she gave me the sweetest hug.
Am I glad I went? Yes. I broke free of the hold that Rod*ney and Der*win had on me. I took my body back. It took this final act of defiance to help me do that.
I am so proud. Not only did I do it, but also I went alone. Do I have big brass balls? You bet your sweet ass I do. I found that out tonight.
Man, it seems so surreal.
I went to show Lisa and Doug, which was neat. They were both supportive.
Now, to show my daughter. My sister Renee says that Jackie will think I�m hip. I think she�ll wonder who I am and what I did with her mother. It is so the opposite of anything I�d ever do.
I don�t think a lot of people thought I�d do it. But I did. Especially at work. I work with �The pierced� also. But I don�t think anyone has a nose piercing. I did check and it�s not against our policy. But will I have a honking huge brass ring in my nose. I think not. I�m still about moderation.
Now about that tattoo�.it�s going to be small. A cross, with roses on it, with the names �Joann, Rachel and Lue�. My mom, my aunt and my grandma. Three of the women I loved most in my life and they are gone. It is my way of acknowledging my love that I still have for them.
Grandma would probably roll over in her grave if she knew I was getting a tattoo with her name on it. I think she thought only thugs and felons had tattoos.
But I think she�ll forgive me.
Later on, a little cherub with Jackie�s name on the ribbon.
All small. None noticeable when I�m wearing clothes.
I used to care what people thought about me. But now, I just have to do what my heart leads me to. It leads me to writing, children�s advocacy, victim�s advocacy, and acknowledging those I love.
I�m not a bad person. I know that now.
I�m a strong woman. I have every right to be proud of who I am.
Yay, me!
7:20 pm - March 02, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
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