I am feeling so much better today. Yes, I�m still broke. I have 23 cents to my name until Tuesday. Yes, it does suck. Usually, I�d be so depressed. It seems that the Prozac is working because I�m not depressed at all.
I hate Prozac, for the record. I found with Prozac that I can�t cry, even when I really need to. The last time I took it, I wanted to eat everything in sight. But I think that it�s important to be on it until the issues with the case and his parole hearing are over.
I thought about asking for Wellbutrin. I still might try it. But for the time being, it�s Prozac.
Therapy went well yesterday. I actually drove myself downtown. Those that know me know this is a huge deal for me. I despise driving downtown. The problem is congestion and confusion and lack of good parking. It takes ten million hundred years to get from a parking space to the front door of the courthouse.
But I did it. I am smiling thinking that I did something that I was afraid of. Two weeks ago, I drove on the highway to Florissant. For 35 minutes. That is huge for me too. The only place I usually drive on the highway is outside of St. Louis city limits.
I am going to start taking risks. Since I built this little wall around me years ago and have been unhappily been living in a Missy sized bubble, I quit doing things that I thought might be unpleasant. This is called avoidant behavior.
I am going to start working on stopping the avoidant behavior.
Two things I am going to have a hard time dealing with are the fear of flying and my social phobia. Both sometimes seem insurmountable. I have awful panic attacks when I fly. And I clam up or avoid social situations, as evidenced by all the invites to Christmas events that I turned down.
I�ve stuck with what was comfortable for so long, and in the process I began to feel like I was observing life, not living it.
I really love my therapist. I heart Kitty. Kitty is quite possibly one of the nicest people I have ever met. I know it�s her job to me amiable and kind and compassionate but I don�t care. She�s the real deal. She never makes me feel judged or that I am crazy or that I�m just making a big deal out of nothing. She�s awesome.
We talked about that book I borrowed from her: �Waking the Tiger�. It really is an awesome book. I had to really concentrate to read it. The writing in it is what my therapist calls, �abstract�.
The author thoroughly elaborates on his theory that a person who is traumatized by surgery, physical injury, war, child abuse and child sexual abuse, domestic abuse, threat to one�s life or seeing a dead body has not completed the physiological cycle of being traumatized. A person who has been traumatized might immediately have glazed over eyes, shallow breathing, panic attack, clammy or sweaty skin, a rapid heartbeat and physical tremors. If the person is not allowed to experience these physical sensations to completion, they will be traumatized.
This is his theory.
Also in the book were some exercises to do where you envision a threatening situation but then discharge the energy and return to normal. I was not able to relax enough to do those.
But it did make me pay attention to what my body is telling me. I have been ignoring my body for so long that I had tuned it all out. Now, I notice when I am getting a headache, when my back is tightening, when my neck is tightening, when my heart speeds up and when my stomach starts to feel tight or upset.
In the book it talks about when a person who has been traumatized often has this energy built up in their body from the trauma. Because the energy has not been dispelled, they are often poised for a threat and always looking for a threat, even when there is not one to be found. This is called hyper vigilance. If I told you all the extent of my hyper vigilance you would be horrified. For the past 23 years, it has only gotten worse, not better. I cannot sit with my face to the wall at a restaurant. While I am at a place I make sure I know the way out. When I drive, I almost always drive with my back ramrod straight, both hands on the wheel, doors locked and I�m always scanning around me. I watch other drivers intently. I drive exactly the speed limit.
The hypervigilance, somewhere along the line, bled into my social life. I am very shy sometimes and very untrusting of people. I am always suspicious of people. I cannot make friends to save my life.
Paranoia is real, and powerful. Fear feeds into it and makes it even bigger.
I tell you a secret. I�m pretty much afraid of everything. I�ve spent my whole life being afraid, but I made a decision recently that I�m not spending the rest of my life that way. Fear has controlled every move I�ve made for many years now and I�m sick of it.
The other thing in the book that stood out is the symptoms of trauma. Amazingly, I have all the symptoms. But what I realized when I read it is that I�ve been wrong in trying to diagnose myself all this time. I thought I had a bunch of disorders. The truth it that I was traumatized. I show symptoms of trauma, not borderline personality disorder or any of that crap. I think everyone has some symptoms of any given disorder, and to think that I was totally messed up in the head was premature on my part. I am just a traumatized person. I am not a head case.
That is such a relief.
Kitty and I talked about some other things, which I don�t want to mention here. It does have something to do with some disturbing images I experienced recently. She did assure me that it was well in line with the sexual abuse and attempted murder that I experienced. In this sequence, I was taking the power away from all the men who had ever done me wrong in my life. You can only imagine what I was thinking of.
I have 7 sessions left with Kitty. I asked her if she had a practice outside of the Circu*it Attorn*ey�s Office. She does not. But when the time comes I�m going to ask her to refer me to someone that works specifically with crime victims. I want to deal with someone who understands what I�ve been through.
I think I�ll be in therapy for a while. That�s okay. It took me 23 years to almost do myself in trying to handle all of this myself and it�s going to take a while to undo it all. Maybe my life will never be quote �normal� but I�d like to have a semblance of it.
Looking forward to the weekend. I need to call Lisa and see what she�s up to tomorrow.
I hope you�re feeling better Mama!
11:08 am - January 06, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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