When I last updated, I was getting ready for the Christmas Holiday. I was normal then.
In the middle of all the parties, shopping, cooking, wrapping and decorating, I started thinking about my Mom and Grandma. I miss them terribly.
Grandma has been gone for 9 months. It feels like an eternity at times and at other times feels like yesterday. I often think of our times together and wonder if I could�ve done more for her. I could�ve, but I think I would�ve gone crazy. There was just so much going on in my life the last 6 months before Grandma died that going over there every weekend and cleaning house and bathing her dog and cleaning it�s butt and putting Biore� pore strips on her nose seemed like enough. I was exhausted.
Now of course, I wish I would�ve taken her out more on those beautiful days when no one should stay in. I wish I would�ve taken her to the park and the city museum and down on the riverfronts so that we could watch the traffic on the river.
No matter what though, I love her so much and I think she knows that. I have a peace with her passing that I do not have with my mother�s. I still miss her though.
I know it sounds unhealthy to some but I want to acknowledge my mother Joann on holidays from now on. Putting flowers on her grave when I get up the nerve to go visit it is not enough. I think I�m going to buy her Valentine�s and Mother�s Day and Grandparents Day cards. I�m going to get her a little gift if I feel like it. If it�s a particularly nice gift I might donate it to charity.
I�ve even thought of setting a place at the table during family gatherings and putting a rose on the plate in remembrance.
I�m also going to create a special place in my bedroom for pictures of her and candles and things that belonged to her. I think I�m going to light the candles whenever I am missing her, which is often.
Where does this come from? It�s feeling the absence of my dearly departed loved ones during a generally happy time of year. I know I should rejoice that they are in heaven but I am selfish and I miss them here.
Combine this longing with the overspending that I do every year, the stress of buying for 20 plus people and hoping that I got them something they�ll like and use, and decorating my house and then Christmas actually comes and then now, the letdown that occurs after Christmas is over. And of course, the knowledge that big things are happening after the new year. Stuff with my job and the case�.
I am depressed. Which to some people is normal. But for me, depression at this time of year graduates from the Christmas blues to a pit of bottomless blackness in a few months. So I called my doctor yesterday and left him a message that I�m feeling the depression again and asked if it was okay to go back on the Prozac for a while.
Yesterday afternoon a nurse called from the office and told me he said it was okay. I am relieved. I took half a 20 milligram pill last night. I don�t know if Prozac works right away�let�s hope it does.
The holidays themselves were good. On the 22nd, Jackie and I had dinner at Cousin Jackie�s house. She made yummy chicken, rice, broccoli and cheese and biscuits. Oh, and cookies. It was very nice. For Christmas she gave me this beautiful two piece votive candle holder. I thought it was lovely. She gave Jackie a really neat journal titled �All about Me� which Jackie just loves and some art stuff. Oh, and Little Bear got a little collar that says, �Big Dog�. How cute.
On Friday the 23rd, I was off, so Thursday night, Jackie stayed with Jacob overnight, which was a huge deal to them. So I picked Lisa up, I think, and we were off.
Lisa and I spent the day Friday running errands and doing last minute shopping. We were gone all friggin day. Poor Doug. He babysat for a long time.
Lisa had bought a shrimp tray. Oh, man, that stuff was good!
We did our gift exchange after Lisa and I watched a couple episodes of MTV�s �Fear�. I really think that show is corrupting my brain, but anyways.
I got Doug and antique car and some coffee and chocolate straws and stuff like that. I also bought him a thong (which we opened when the kids were in the bedroom) that said, �Kiss Me under the Mistletoe�, which I found to be hilarious. His face turned bright red.
Lisa got me a really nice mirror, so I don�t have to use that crappy little pink one anymore. I also got a dog votive holder from PartyLite. She got me some chocolate covered espresso beans, some candy, some delicious smelling apple spice hand soap and lotion, and an 8 x 10 of us and the kids from Sears�
Jackie got more stuff than I could count. She got these cute sweatshirt tops (that look so cute on her), two other tops, underwear, coloring books, art stuff, stamps, and stickers.
I think both of the kids were thrilled!
Then we ordered pizza, salad and wings. That was yummy.
We called it a night pretty early. Lisa and I were exhausted from running all day, so we headed home.
Saturday was Christmas Eve. Jackie and I did laundry. Then we spent the rest of the day at home finishing up preparations for Christmas Day.
Christmas Day, we got up early and Jackie opened her presents. She was thrilled with everything she got, so I was happy.
We had to get ready to go to my ma�s though.
I had put the presents in the car the night before, so all we had to do was get dressed, grab Jackie�s bag (for staying all week at Grandma�s) and grab the vegetable tray and hop in the car.
We took the highway to Florissant. I had too much planned for the day to be dilly dallying on the back roads. It wasn�t bad at all. No panic attacks. We got there in 30 minutes.
I pulled over at a Walgreen�s and put my makeup. I made Jackie call Ms. Terry and let her know we�d be there in 10 minutes.
Once we got there, time went quickly. I spent two hours at Ms. Terry�s talking with her. She opened her presents and she was pretty happy. I left the presents for my Godson Lewis in the living room. I wanted to see him open them but he was at his birth mother�s house. Darn.
From there, we headed over to my mom�s house, which takes about 10 minutes. My Aunt Ruth Ann and my Uncle Rick were there already. Jackie and I put the presents around the tree and we waited for everyone else to arrive.
It was a typical Christmas. Nice, laughter, food and love all around. As usual, I tensed up and tried to isolate myself from everyone, but it didn�t work because people wouldn�t leave me alone.
As far as the gift exchange, I am thankful but a wee bit irritated that 99% of my gifts was cookware or things associated with cooking. I don�t cook often. But the things I got were things I needed anyway. A lot of my cooking stuff at home is outdated.
After that, I headed back home. I think that�s where the depression set in.
Will continue later: Look for part 2.
10:50 am - December 29, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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