Yes, I do believe in a higher power. I think most people do. My higher power is God.
For all the issues I�ve ever had with religion, I�ve never not believed in God. There were times I felt he�d forgotten me, but I never thought he did not exist.
When I was 7 � years old, and my sister Renee was 4, a raving psychotic maniac broke into our house. He murdered our mother and attempted to murder me and my sister. This was done with a knife.
When we were found, I was about an hour from death and Renee was cold, blue and her body was stiffening up. We probably would�ve not been found had it not been for my uncle listening to the prompting of the angels or the Holy Spirit to go to our house. Keep in mind this uncle lived 20 minutes away and his job was in the opposite direction from my house. By all rights, he should�ve been heading to work that Tuesday morning. Instead, he came to our home. While my dear mom could not be saved and her spirit had long since departed her body, Renee and I were found, brought to the hospital, and despite a long period of time in intensive care, we were saved.
In my childhood, I felt very confused by what had happened to us. No adult could explain to me why this happened. Some religious folk told us that good things happen to good people, but I don�t think I bought it.
I cried a lot. I did not cry in front of the adults because I was very concerned with upsetting them. I had to keep up with the label they stuck on me, �the normal one�. I could not show my pain to them.
In spite of it all, Renee and I had a pretty happy childhood for the next 4 years. I was a goofy kid and had discovered I could make people laugh. That was empowering for me, and it became a coping mechanism for everything. Some of the adults in my life tired of the constant giggles and joking, but I don�t think they understood.
My aunt Rachel understood me better than anyone I�d say. Living with her was like being on a perpetual vacation. Oh, there was school and chores and the occasional punishment for misbehavior, but I felt LOVED. Renee did also.
During this time, we attended church, but it was usually with our grandmother. Aunt Rachel was burned by growing up in a Pentecostal environment and thus shunned church. Darwin was an inactive Southern Baptist and did not go either.
When I look back on those years, Jesus and God frequently came up in conversation. However, they were more mythical than anyone to me. God was not anything, what�s the word, tangible to me. I believed in God like I believed in the tooth fairy and Santa Claus. I was fairly certain they existed, but I was definitely a kid that had to see to truly believe in my heart.
Of course, at that time, I had no idea that I had lived through that whole ordeal with the murder for any divine reason.
As you all know, Renee and I were devastated when Aunt Rachel died of a cerebral hemorrhage in 1987. She was only 33 years old. My whole world went black. I could not understand why God took her from us. I was angry at God.
I wasn�t too angry to pray though, and I did pray. This, I learned from my Grandmother. She was probably the most spiritual person I have EVER met in my life. Her faith was inspiring. If a woman that survived child molestation, the depression and the loss of two of her children could have faith, then I could too.
During that next 3 years in that hellhole with Darwin and Sam, I prayed a lot. I prayed God would help us find a way out of that house. When Darwin would be beating me, I would silently cry out for God to make me not feel pain. I would beg inwardly to make him stop. When times got really bad, I asked him for a way out.
My prayer was answered. Renee and I found the strength to leave and run away. That was probably the best thing we could have done because the situation at home was only getting worse with time, not better. The abuse had been escalating for a long time.
When we came back to St. Louis, Renee and I lived with an uncle and an aunt. It did not work out. They were too young themselves to take care of two teenagers with such extreme baggage.
I ended up with Cinders and Renee ended up with Aunt Rabby. While I was at a loss because I had been around Renee my whole life and she was like yin to my yang, I realized it was best for us to not be together.
I became distracted with boys so my spiritual life suffered some. I admit that during the ages of 15-19 I rarely thought about God or what I was doing to myself spiritually. I did suffer a lot from depression.
During those dark times, I would cry a lot. I was very moody.
The night terrors and REM Sleep Disorder started back in earnest during those times. I somehow managed to tune out the painful past I had, but the depression took its place.
I remember so much smiling for other people but feeling lost on the inside.
Then I went into the Navy. I was proud of myself for doing something so honorable. It was probably the best time in my life.
I met my ex-husband in San Diego. He was, I felt like, a reward for all the bad things that had ever happened to me. He was everything I thought I wanted in a guy. He was a real doll and I knew he loved me without question.
The night terrors abated for a while.
It was at that time that I felt I could begin to process everything that had ever happened in my life. I felt loved and adored and safe, so I let open the floodgates. However, I was not prepared for the onslaught of emotions and problems began to manifest in my relationship with Shayne. Once I started getting angry about the fact that it was MEN who had done me wrong in my life, I think I projected some of that frustration onto him. I didn�t mean to.
He was not prepared to deal with the issues I had. I ran him away. We would get close, and I would push him away. I think he was confused. So, not having the affection at home he needed, he cheated.
We were both really too young to be married. But I loved Shayne with all my heart. And sometime before the problems started I got pregnant with Jackie.
Jackie really solidified our family. Shayne was a great Dad when he was home. I was happy when we were all together. There was a lot of love in our family.
But the pressures of us both being active duty military began to take its toll. It was hard for me to take care of the baby by myself and have him be away for a few weeks to a few months.
I don�t know exactly when he began to cheat, but it was during my pregnancy. He might�ve been in Bahrain. Who knows?
When we split up, I fell headlong into a long deep depression. The divorce only put the final nail in the coffin that had become our marriage and I began to suffer like Shayne had died.
When Shayne moved out, my sense of safety and security with him. The night terrors came back full force then.
I began to get angry with God again. Why would he give me a family, which was the one thing I always wanted, and then I lose it? I was devastated.
The depression lasted a few YEARS. I cried a lot. When I had the opportunity, I would sleep all day my day off. I began to think and dream a lot about my youth and the things that had happened to me that I couldn�t understand.
One night, I was working security on the base. I was posted in this little building, the size of a port a potty. I was out in the middle of nowhere, near the flight line.
It was pitch black. The time was 2:00 in the morning.
I had a flashlight though, and I pulled out the bible that I�d put in my backpack. I do not remember what I was reading, but whatever it was, I was moved. Tears streamed down my cheeks.
I, for the first time, began to consider that my life had a purpose. I heard the whisperings in my heart, which I had previously ignored, of something heavenly. I was told that I lived for a reason. That God had saved me and Renee from certain death.
I was heartened. I cried in happiness, and it seemed then like the night really wasn�t so dark. I thanked God for my life and asked for his protection and guidance.
That really was a pivotal time in my life. A few minutes one really dark night changed my life. I stopped being angry with God that night.
Later that year, my sister Melinda moved in, and it seemed like the depression went away for a while. I felt lighter, happier too. Whenever I felt the darkness try to creep in, I�d remember that night out on the flight line.
Fast forward to 2003, when all that stuff with the DNA crap started. I really questioned at that time why this stuff was coming up again. I was angry, but not with God. I was mad at the justice system.
I truly think, however, that while God doesn�t cause bad things to happen, he lets you make good of the bad things. In 2003, I realized that going through all of this stuff with the case only strengthened me.
It seems like every time I think the book is closed on all of this it comes open again.
I�ve started to get the message though. More whisperings of the heavenly beings. I am supposed to use what happened to me to help other people going through it too.
The question is when. I know what the plan is. I�ve tuned in. But the time is not yet upon me when I need to go back to school for criminal justice. I think God understands that this undertaking would require much more strength than I have right now. Right now, I am preoccupied with raising my child and fighting Rodn*ey�s release.
I�ve known for some years now that God saved me. I could�ve died 23 years ago. Renee was closer than I was.
However, talking to Renee about it yields nothing. I feel like I�m talking to a brick wall sometimes. She is still in the angry phase.
I think that we have a breakthrough though. I got a call from Renee last night and she was really shaken up.
Renee works at a Dollar General in Tennessee. Monday, her kids were very sick, so she took them to the doctor instead of going into work. When she was done with their appointments she was going to leave the kids with Tommy and go into work. She called her boss, who actually had the day off but was filling in for Renee, who told Renee not to come in.
Renee really wanted to go into work because her paycheck pays the grocery and light bills. But Renee�s boss insisted that they were not busy and there was no reason to come into work for 3-4 hours.
Renee went about her day.
That night I had night terrors and REM Behavior Disorder episodes for the first time in months. I really believe Renee and I are psychically connected
Renee got a call at 11:00 at night on Monday. The store got robbed. The robber walked into the store at 8:00 at night and pulled a mask over his face.
The man had a knife. The man made both women go in the back to the safe. He had a knife to this lady Mary�s back the whole time.
He told the manager, if there�s not at least $1000 in this safe, I�m coming back to kill you both. When the manager could not get the safe opened fast enough, he told the manager to hurry up or he was going to kill Mary. He punctuated that statement by pressing the knife into Mary�s back.
The man was really angry and fidgety. The manager and Mary felt extreme danger from him.
He told them to count to 100 before coming out of the office and he ran out. The police saw the guy but did not know who he was so they allowed him to continue on his way.
I had chill bumps when Renee was telling me this. See, Renee and I are light years apart on some things. But in one way, we are exactly the same. When we feel danger, we are dangerous women. I have always said, �God help the idiot that breaks into my house. It won�t be me the next time, it�ll be him.� I know that I have a murderous streak when it comes to protecting myself and my child. I admit that if I was attacked, I�d probably kill the guy. I think part of this is from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I knew without a doubt that had Renee been in that store she either would�ve went ape on the guy, gotten into a fight with him and probably would�ve died. Renee and I both get really antsy and nervous around knives. I once had someone point a knife at me and I went nuts.
I knew that there was divine intervention when it came to Renee�s kid�s getting sick. I do not believe in coincidences.
If Renee would�ve been at that store when it got robbed, she would�ve been gravely injured or she would�ve died.
I told her that God saved her life. She cried, but she told me she believed that also.
Maybe now, she will see his hand in her life. I used to think I was alone, but I�ve looked back over my life and I see God�s hand in everything. I�ve never been truly alone.
I tell you, my faith has gotten me through some dark times. I hope Renee will regain her faith too.
I told Renee that something was telling me he�d try it again. I told her run, don�t walk, to the nearest Walgreen�s and buy some tear gas. I told her to put it in her bra.
I also told her to be safe and be aware. I told her if her sixth sense told her something was up, to listen to it.
I even tell my daughter, if your stomach tells you something is wrong, you get out of there. I think listening to that gut instinct and divine whisperings will let you know when you need to be extra vigilant.
Man, I am so glad my sister is okay. I don�t know what I�d do without her. But someone saved my sister�s life and I am so grateful. Thank you, God, for Renee. She means the world to me.
11:42 am - December 21, 2005
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