I am almost done with my Christmas shopping. I only have a few people left on my list. Yahoo!
My therapy appointment went well on Monday. We had a few breakthroughs, which I will discuss. I am relieved to have enlightened myself on some behavior of mine that is puzzling.
I mentioned to the therapist (her name is Kitty), how I want to find a healthy way to deal with all of this instead of eating and smoking myself to death.
I told her I want to be around to see my daughter grow up, graduate high school, and graduate college. I guess my voice trailed off at that point. I looked up at Kitty, obviously finished with what I had to say.
She looked puzzled. She said, �I find it strange how you don�t plan very far into the future. You don�t mention your daughter getting married, having kids and you having grandkids. Why don�t you?�
As I was saying it, a light bulb went on it my head. I had never said this aloud before.
I said, �I don�t plan into the future because I feel like I don�t belong here�.I feel like I cheated death and because of that at any time, I fear my number could be up.� I began to cry.
�So you feel like you were meant to die?� she asked.
�I know I was meant to die.� I�ve always known I was supposed to die that night.
Suddenly, some things made sense.
Because of this fear of mine, I have my own self-fulfilling prophecy going on. I feel like I�m not supposed to be alive, so I do everything (unconsciously of course) to move it along. To bring death earlier.
I smoke like a chimney even though I know it can kill me.
I keep eating like crazy even though I know extra weight is not helping me and can bring on heart disease, diabetes and other dangerous illnesses.
Oh, the things we do to ourselves!
We talked about some other things. There was more crying on my part. It helps to know she also believes that I am the way I am because of what happened to me and how I dealt with it. I want to be accountable for my actions, but I am also very angry at how the adults that were supposed to love and protect me let me down. It�s unfortunate that most of my childhood, a period of time when my brain was developing, was spent in anger, helplessness and fear.
Worst of all, I needed this counseling years ago and never got it.
As an adult, I worked in a field where my need for help is seen as a liability. So I didn�t do it. I�ve been handling this all by myself, and not very well, for years. It�s all been wasted time. I could�ve been getting help for years and I�d be somewhere in my healing by now.
I�m just starting out, however. It has just begun.
Is it normal to be scared AND excited about therapy?
Oh, I sent this letter to the Post-Disp*atch, our local newspaper, on Monday. I wrote about the execution of Stan*ley �Too*kie� Willi*ams, co-founder of the Crips.
I for one, am glad that he was executed. As a homicide survivor I have no sympathy for a murderer. Why should they get life when our loved ones do not?
I wish to God my mother had a choice and was alive today, but her killer took that from her. I'm sure the families of Tookie's victims would do anything to get that beloved family member back. Our family members were ripped from our arms never to be back again.
It isn't fair that while our loved ones and our families have suffered immensely, the criminal gets lots of media attention and lots of celebrities and otherwise affluent and influential people to come to their aid.
I bet you none of the celebrities on Tookie's side ever took the time to talk to the families of the victims.
Where is the public outcry against the murder of our loved ones?
1,000 executions happen. There is much made of that. But what do we do for the people who's hearts bleed from loss and heartbreak?
All you ever hear about is the horrible life of the criminal. Does anyone care about the horrible reality crime victims and homicide survivors deal with every day? Not really. No one cares. It doesn't sell papers.
We're the ones with a life sentence. Think about it.
Just because Tookie or any other murderer made changes in his life while in prison doesn't mean that his crimes were canceled out. Good deeds do not erase bad deeds. You cannot erase murder.
In my case, the only night I will ever sleep a perfect sleep is when my mother's killer is dead. Only then will I know that he'll never come back for me or anyone else in my family.
I cannot believe some people would think that because he wrote some crappy books and got nominated for some Nobel Peace Prize that he is of some value to society. Lots of criminals get religion or behave perfectly or write some books, but it doesn't mean that they shouldn't suffer for the crimes they committed.
The worst is the fact that he hasn't apologized for what he did.
People like him manipulate the system and tie up the courts for years because they can.
It's time to take that power away from the criminal and give the rights back to the victim, who deserves it.
Melissa
Okay, it was not well written and I was overly-emotional. But if I had to read about one more celebrity saying that his execution would be a black mark on society, I would throw up. Spare me. He killed 4 people. Probably more that he didn�t get caught for. He co-founded a violent street gang. I�d say the only thing that was missing is that he didn�t get electroshock therapy or tasered up the butt right before they pumped in the juice. I smiled a little when I read that they couldn�t find a vein and he got frustrated. How�s it feel, you pig? Maybe this is what his victims felt when he was reloading his gun to shoot them again in the back of the head. Karma, baby. It�s all karma.
It�s a shame he didn�t feel 1/10th of the pain he inflicted on his victims, but it�s great he�s not alive to suck up taxpayer money for the rest of his life. I know that I say it a lot, but it burns me up that I�ve been working since I was 15 so my attacker could be fed, clothed, exercised, educated AND have repeated chances to prove his innocence. My taxes, I would prefer, should go to domestic violence programs or children�s advocacy groups. The fact that my tax money has sustained my attacker makes me want to puke.
I don�t feel sorry for people like Tookie. I especially don�t feel sorry for people, that for all their great deeds after they�ve been sentenced and imprisoned, who never apologize for traumatizing the victim, taking their lives, and shattering a family.
You may not all agree with me, and I accept that.
Anyway, it will be published Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Check www.stltoday.com this weekend in the Letters to the Editor.
2:18 pm - December 15, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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