I am well today. Yesterday, I finally saw the crisis counselor. There was some doubt on my part about going because I did not feel I would get much out of it. But to my surprise, she is a bona-fide therapist who deals specifically with crime victims. This made me very happy.
I have hope that I will definitely get something out of these sessions.
We talked about a lot of things. I have no attentions span, so I went from subject to subject but she went with the flow. She was extremely patient and empathetic. I felt warmth around her. I felt good and relaxed.
It was hard but I came clean about my obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is my picking on my arms that I�ve done since I was about 11 or 12 or so. I rarely talk about it because I feel ashamed that when I feel extremely anxious or emotional or even when I just want to get some sort of release I do it. I do have scars to show I�ve done it for years. It is not, however, something you�d notice unless you were looking for it.
I told her about how my Aunt Rachel, who did not understand why I did it, tried to break me of it. When she�d catch me doing it, she�d put rubbing alcohol on a cotton ball and wipe my arms down with it. It would sting, but the next time something happened that I didn�t know how to handle, I went back to it. My Aunt was exasperated by it, and hoped I�d outgrow it.
But I never did.
I still do it to this day. I�ve noticed I do not do it when I am happy or otherwise preoccupied. It might happen only a couple of times a week. But I am realizing I am hurting myself by doing it. I also think the only reason I do not cut myself is because I almost died at the hands of a knife. I am afraid of knives and razors.
Then I brought up all the research I have compulsively scoured the books and internet for, about mental illness. I admitted one of the reasons I have not gotten into therapy before now is because I was afraid of what I�d find out about myself. I am scared I�ll be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, or a disassociative disorder, or worse. My worst fear is being over-medicated or being locked up in a padded cell.
I did say that I�m having a hard time accepting the bipolar diagnosis. I told her of my struggles with dealing with it. She did say that she might be leaning more toward me having issues with depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. She said almost everyone has behaviors that are manic, but mine seem to coincide with a stimulating event.
Only more time with her will tell if she develops a diagnosis that matches what my primary care physician says.
I explained that when I do not understand something I do research and read about it over and over until I get it. Then, it becomes data. I reference a lot of data when I talk to people. I told her about being one of those kids that would rather spend an afternoon with a set of encyclopedias than with other kids.
She said something that made me laugh. She said, �Melissa, you know more of my lingo than I do. I feel like I�m talking to myself.�
Then she said, �You know, your incessant fact-checking is pretty OCD, too.� I laughed then, and I laugh now when I think about it. She is right.
I do have obsessive-compulsive tendencies. In lots of areas of my life I am OCD. It doesn�t mean I�m a bad person, but it means I am a little different than most people.
I feel great about therapy because I have a lot of unresolved issues. I need to deal with them before I eat myself to 500 pounds or completely lose the will to live.
I�m hoping to bring back the focus in my life from the case to just daily life. I am so obsessed with Rod*ney and his hillbilly inbred daughter and the case that it�s all I can talk about or think about.
It�s time to take some of the focus off that and put it back on me and my life with my child and the lives of my friends and family. I�m really tired of my relationships being one-sided.
In other news, Jackie and I went to Lisa�s on Friday to hang-out. I could�ve cleaned my house, or I could enjoy myself.
We talked for a while, about the case, as usual. We both cried a bit.
I love that girl. She is so awesome to me! I am probably closer to Lisa than I have ever been with any of my friends. It is nice to know I have her in my life.
I got my sister Renee�s box to her and Melody is picking hers up from the Post-Office in Miami today.
Renee and the kids opened their presents right away, and they were a hit. Leah loved her rollerblades and Kayla loved her outfit. Renee loved her Laura Ashley socks because in her words they were �soft and cozy�.
I sent my niece Melody 3 bags of Red Hot Riplins, which are her absolute favorite. Every time she comes to St. Louis she makes me go from store to store until we find them. They are these potato chips made in Missouri and the flavoring is this flaming, scorching hot sauce that will set your mouth on fire. I also sent her some Bath and Body Works hand soap. Her husband Neco is a crazy chocolate and candy addict, so I sent him some gourmet chocolate truffles.
I love Christmas.
I still have shopping left to do.
Oh, and the child support is late, AGAIN. I�m trying so hard to be nice, but I wish my ex, Uranus, would take into consideration that even though that money is but a pittance and doesn�t cover � of her expenses, I need it.
Jackie is doing well. She still has a problem with her mouth but it�s getting better. We are working on expressing herself with the proper tone of voice.
Otherwise, she�s a great kid and I adore her.
12:18 pm - December 06, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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