I have so many emotions running through my head right now. Part of it is because of the issues I have with my adopted Mom.
Quick background: My adopted Mom got me when I was 16, almost 17. She went to court and became my guardian until the age of 18. Prior to that, I had lived in 6 homes. Let us count them: My mother Joann�s, my aunt Rachel�s, Darwin�s, Uncle Nat�s, my sister Melinda�s and my friend Summer�s. That�s a lot of places for a kid to live in. So, by the time Cinder�s got me, I was pretty much damaged goods. She did not have a lifetime with me to mold me into her Mini-me. This has caused problems that started within a year of her getting me.
I have never been a clone of her daughter, Sally, who was my best friend prior to this. Sally has always been the responsible, mature and logical one. I in turn, was the emotional, flighty free-spirit.
The long-standing issue in my life has always been my longing for acceptance and a sense of belonging. That�s all I ever wanted, was to be loved and treated equally. When I finally got to a home, Cinder�s home, where I could unruffled my feathers and relax, I started to deal with some issues I had pretty much ignored in my life. It�s because I felt loved enough where I could do so.
When Cinder�s adopted me, I was so happy to have a mom again. I embraced her fully and in turn I expected to be treated like her daughter Sally, who she�d had since she adopted her at six days old.
But things did not turn out that way. I was deluding myself.
Sally got away with a lot of stuff I never felt comfortable enough to do. Sally was moody, a lot, and she slammed doors and pouted a lot. She yelled, she banged, and she talked-back. When I did it, I got reprimanded. It was so unfair!
Sally got a brand new car at 16. At 17, I still had to hitch rides with friends or walk everywhere.
There was a lot of disparity, but my friendship with Sally grew and stayed strong for the next few years.
Ma was the cool Ma. Sometimes she�d take me with her to Tiger�s, a bar up the street. I�d have a soda; she�d have a few drinks. I just worshipped her, no matter what she did.
My friendship with Summer grew too. A lot of times it was me, my boyfriend Rick, my friend Summer and Sally. Sometimes our friend Sandy would be around too.
We all did a lot of stuff together. Concerts, fairs, fishing, camping, movies. Sometimes we�d go to the stables with summer, who was training horses.
It was just a lot of fun.
I graduated high school in 1993. And that October, as I turned 18, Ma began to make me pay rent. Because I wasn�t making that much, maybe $5.50 an hour at my work-study job, the rent seemed high. I was offended.
Especially when Sally graduated and did NOT have to pay rent.
This is where the chasm between Cinders and me began to grow from being a sliver to a gorge. I began to see the rules as being different for me. She always made these assertions that I �wasn�t raised right� which I felt was an attack on me.
I had started Junior College right away. Sometime that fall, my boyfriend of 4 years and my best friend of 4 years, began acting weird and secretive. I caught them both in a lie, and the mystery unraveled. They were seeing each other and had no plans to stop.
I called Summer some very ugly names. Not that she really was all of those things, but I was very angry. She didn�t speak to me again for years, and we�ve never regained our friendship.
That Christmas, I had put up with seeing Rick and Summer together for a month or so. Since Summer was Sally�s best friend long before I met Summer, I couldn�t very well ask that Ma bar Summer from the house.
However, I didn�t think it was fair that I had to look at my
cheating ex-boyfriend on a weekly basis. He always came with Summer to pick Sally up.
We had always gone out as a group, and I felt so lost without them. They were hanging out without me.
My heart was broken, as it always is when you lose your first true love.
A few days before Christmas, I remember Rick called one night and I happened to answer the phone. He asked to speak to my mom. I handed the phone to her and walked away.
After she got off the phone, I asked her what he wanted.
This is exactly what she told me:
�He is coming over here to open his presents. If you can�t be civil, you need to stay in your room.�
Wait a minute! He cheats on me with my best friend and I have to be the one to stay in my room? During Christmas?
That was strike one against her. Yes, this was her habit. To take any side but mine.
I began to spend more and more time away from home. I began to look outside of my little world to make new friends. Maybe that is where all the trouble began.
My first year of college had been pretty easy, and I had made good grades. But well into the 2nd half of the semester, I made friends with a girl named Elise�.
Elise was a breath of fresh air. She was dark haired, brown eyes, curvaceous, funny, silly, out-going, dead-sexy, witty, vivacious and fun. I began to talk to her more and more over the weeks, and pretty soon, we were eating lunch together every day.
While talking one day, we found out that we lived 5 houses apart from each other. From then on, I was at her house almost every day. When I was with her I could forget about Cinder�s apparent disapproval of everything I did, Rick and Spring�s hot and heavy romance, and everything bad that had happened in my life.
When I did talk about the things that had happened to me, she really listened.
Through her friendship, I figured out a lot about myself, and I began to have courage and had gained back my self-esteem.
In the meantime, Cinder�s had begun to voice her concern over my budding friendship with Elise�. Cinder�s could see that Elise� was having an influence over me. She thought she was a bad influence, but I did not.
Elise� encouraged me to LIVE! She didn�t care what people thought of her. I began to think like that too. I found my voice.
I knew Elise� occasionally did mushrooms. I did not. I was too scared to do anything like that.
But Elise� did know where there was a club that we could get into, even though we were underage. She knew people that worked there and had friends that went there.
It was in downtown St. Louis. The clientele: gay men.
Sounded like fun to me! And it was. The name of the club was Fallout.
We went on a Thursday night. I met her friends. It was a group of guys. Sean, with dreadlocks. The other Sean, with chin length blonde hair. Jimmy, a 6 foot 3 flaming queen. Jeremiah, chin length black hair. The bar was full of gay guys. I loved it.
It was very entertaining to spend an evening with these guys.
Best of all, we could drink. I felt so safe there. I can�t explain why.
We got home about 3 o�clock in the morning.
Pretty soon, we were up there twice a week. I started smoking too, which is the one decision I�ll always regret.
But I found my acceptance at Fallout with the guys and Elise�.
Everyone I met there was nice to me. I wasn�t perfect, I had baggage, I was emotional, maybe a little overly friendly.
But for the first time in my life, I felt accepted.
I was up there about 4 days a week now.
Maybe I changed a little. But I like to think that I just became more of who I was meant to be. Cinders became very alarmed when I became nonchalant about Rick and Summer. I don�t know if she expected me to grieve longer, but after a few months with my new friends, Rick and Summer were pretty much old news. I didn�t care what they were doing anymore.
Elise� and I started making trips to New Orleans. I fell in love with the city. It was strange. I felt like I belonged there. I can�t explain it, but to this day, it is the only place I�ve lived that ever felt like home. I said �lived� didn�t I?
Well, 5 months after I visited for the first time, Elise� and I moved to New Orleans. I had enlisted in the Navy right before I moved there, because I felt like that I was not going in a positive direction in my life. Going to New Orleans during my delayed entry period just seemed like the right thing to do.
And it was.
That Christmas, Rick and Summer had been going out for a year. I didn�t even care anymore.
I had been drifting away from Cinder�s for some time. When I went to New Orleans, she no longer had control over me. I felt so free. She repeatedly expressed her resentment over my decision to move there, but I guess she forgot what it was like to be a young adult.
Our apartment was a 2nd floor, 1 bedroom apartment. We had no furniture. We slept on the floor. It was decorated with Marilyn Monroe posters. It was heaven.
We acquired two roommates. Two gay guys: Steve and Jeff. We eventually acquired a King size mattress, and all four of us slept on it.
It was crazy.
Everything was changed our lives. We got jobs in New Orleans, and some of the best times of my life where when me and Elise� were smoking crappy Basic cigarettes and eating 2 for $3.00 Rally Burgers and listening to the radio, because we didn�t have a TV.
Yes, we were in the French Quarter a lot. Yes, we LOVED gay guys, so we hung out at the Bourbon Pub, and Lafitte�s, and for some variety, we went down to the Cat�s Meow.
I have memorized Bourbon Street.
The haunting city on the Bayou will always be the home of my heart. I love it there. It�s not the party of Mardi gras�, which I only attended once and never will again.
It�s the sultry heat and the old buildings, and the French architecture, and the wrought iron, and the street musicians and Caf� Dumond� and the history and the Voodoo King. It is my city.
All good things in my life have always had an ending. I knew my delayed entry period in the Navy was coming to an end.
I panicked, and I met some random guy named Rob in New Orleans and we got on a bus to elope to Miami.
The city was hit with the worst flood in years and we spent the night on the floor of the bus station.
I heard Elisa�s car was totaled, and our roommates lost their vehicles too.
We got to Miami the next day. That is a story for some other time, but we did not get married. A week after we got to Miami, I put him on a bus back to Connecticut, from whence he came. It wasn�t meant to be.
A month or two later, I went to boot camp.
My mom was proud of me again. This, of course, only lasted for a few months. When I was in training school in San Diego, she sent me a letter telling me not to come to their house on leave. That I�d alienated a lot of people, especially her.
She never saw that I was just trying to discover myself. I set out to figure out who I was. I would never be her clone. I guess she was disappointed.
Then, a few months later I got married in San Diego. She sounded happy me, but maybe even then she could foresee that it wasn�t going to work out.
A few days after Jackie was born, mom visited our home with Sally. I hadn�t seen Mom for almost 2 years by then. We had a great time as a family. Uranus and I were happy new parents, and Mom was a doting grandma. Sally was and always has been a perfect Sister and Aunt.
We did lots of fun things together. Going out to eat, going to the beach and sightseeing in St. Augustine.
It was truly memorable.
Fast forward 1 year. Shay*ne was long gone, and I was working 60 hours a week. Yes, I admit I wasn�t the greatest housekeeper, but I was EXHAUSTED! Some days, I�d only get 3 hours of sleep. And if I had a choice between doing the dishes or spending an hour with my baby before I had to go to work for another 12 hours, I was definitely spend it with my child!
She nagged the hell out of me the entire week she was there!
Well then, my sister Sally and my friend Silvia and my Mom staged an �intervention�, which really sent me through the roof, because obviously I was going to lose my daughter if I didn�t straighten up and keep a clean house and kiss everyone�s butt and be absolutely perfect.
The problem? I�m a little messy.
Oh, and my grass was overgrown. If you�re that concerned about the way my yard looks, feel free to pull out the lawn mower and do it yourself. My child is more important than the grass looking pretty.
Fast forward another year. I�m still working the hours from hell! Uranus wasn�t even paying child support! Hell, is she calling him up asking what his problem is? No. In fact, she talks to him on the phone all the time and they get along �famously�. It makes me want to hurl. He played my mom just like he played me. He had her believing all of his lies.
Again, she took someone else�s side. It�s becoming a pattern.
She didn�t realize for a long time that he was a lying little skeez! I might as well have not said anything because obviously she never believed me when I told her about some of the slimy sleazy things he had done to me.
Well, Jackie falls out of her crib onto the concrete floor. I am traumatized! It scared the crap out of me. But she recovers nicely, while sporting a bruise on the left side of her face.
But 4 days later, DFS shows up at my door. Miraculously, my mom shows up that day, all the way from St. Louis to Jacksonville, Florida! Now I believe it�s because Mom was prepared to take custody of my child.
I�m baffled about why I�m being investigated. I get angry! Mom tries to tell me to cooperate with these people! I insist I did not hurt my baby! I always felt my mom or my neighbor was behind this.
To make matters worse, the caller told them my house was FILTHY! Funny, the social worker looked around my house and it looked spic and span! There wasn�t a dirty dish, a dirty diaper, or nary a speck of dirt anywhere! That�s because I took a day off that week to clean my house! Sometimes a girl gets behind! Does that mean you�re a bad mother?
I mean really, when you�re working 60 hours and taking care of a two year old is your house going to be perfect??? But I wasn�t bad to begin with.
Now, it�s a different story. I admit, my house is a sty. But back then, I was on top of the game. I was younger then and had more energy.
Mom seemed super-surprised when I was cleared of any charges. If I hadn�t known any better, I would�ve thought she�d set it up! Even the DFS doctor said she could tell Jackie �FELL� and wasn�t hit. I was outraged! How dare anyone accuse me of hurting my precious daughter!
My mom seemed surprised that I hadn�t hit her! I�d never shown a propensity for violence, especially towards my daughter. I guess she thought that since I had been abused that I would be like that too.
Way to have faith in your child. Thanks Ma for the vote of confidence. Way to show me that even though I�d made so much progress in my life you still thought I was a no-good hood rat!
After that happened, I minimized the time I spent talking to my Mom. I even stopped talking to Silvia for a while, because my mom had insinuated it was Silvia that had turned me in.
I threw myself into my friendships and my work.
I contemplated not re-enlisting in the Navy. My mom swore up and down I�d never get a job and told me not to get out.
I didn�t reenlist.
I left with an honorable discharge.
My mom has tried to throw a monkey-wrench in all my friendships. Like, she called my friend Ms. Terry about 3 � years ago and told her my washer and dryer were stolen from Rent-A-Center. What a crock! They were bought and paid for at Sears the year Jackie was born. I couldn�t even believe she told that lie!
I�ve told my friends to NOT give her their phone number. Why? Because she twists the truth to make it more interesting.
Let�s not even talk about the fact that she likes to take a souvenir every time we go somewhere. Like forks, bowls, ketchup.
Just Friday she told me to put a bottle of ketchup in my purse. I ignored her.
The last few years have been huge for me. I went from being homeless after I got out of the Navy to having a good job now. I�m self-sufficient and making it without a GUY!
Sometimes I would like to think my mom�s got my back, but really, stuff happens that makes me hate her. Stuff happened this weekend that made me really angry.
Friday, mom was coming out to get Jackie for the weekend. I knew with the heat being so bad she might be crabby. Well, she was downright rude at dinner. I was embarrassed because I was with my friend Lisa and her son too. I was glad to get out of O�Charley�s.
Fast forward to Sunday, when I go to pick Jackie up.
Mom leans over and says, �You�re going to get mad at me.�
I look at her like, �OK?�
�You really need to clean your house,� she said. �That really bothered me! That was disgusting!�
I was like, �WTF?� After that, I couldn�t leave fast enough. For one, I have severe back problems. I have to sit down every 20 minutes. Number two, if my house bothers you that much, either don�t come, or come down and help me.
That was the last straw!
I won�t be calling her for a very long time.
It�s bad enough she doesn�t support me on my work with the case. I don�t need her criticizing me too.
The last thing I need right now is haters. If you�re a hater, you need to back out of my life. I don�t need your negativity.
Even though I love you mom, you�re just not supportive.
2:27 pm - August 22, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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