I think I�ll make one final entry before doing the lockup.
Friday I was so depressed. Maybe it was the weather, which was gloomy. Maybe it was the stress of dealing with Jackie�s behavior, which is mostly crappy these days. Sometimes, she is such a crab.
Maybe it is me getting ready for Jackie to leave and mentally preparing myself for her departure.
I found myself missing my mom. I miss her so much. I can�t stop thinking about her lately. As always, thinking about how she was, leads to thinking about how she died.
It isn�t fair.
I tell my daughter that life isn�t fair. That you�re not always going to get what you want, deserve, etc. That way she is prepared for life.
No one ever told me life wasn�t fair. Maybe I knew it on some level, but I always expected my life to �right� itself and for things to be fair. I had dreams about being adopted by a wealthy family complete with a Dad who�d adore me and never abuse me�.pipe dreams they were.
Sometimes, I�m so far into the past that I forget that the present is happening now and it is something I can impact. I get caught up in 1982.
If things don�t change between my daughter and me soon she is going to grow up to hate me. All my coping mechanisms: laughter, optimism and realism are lost on Jackie. When I try to lighten up a situation by laughter she gets mad. When I try to point out the good she gets defensive. When I strip away all the emotions and take a situation for what it is she gets mad.
I don�t know what to do. She feels like I do not understand her.
That makes me terribly sad.
This weekend, after Friday anyway, was pretty nice. Lisa and Jake came over Saturday. We had lunch at O�Charley�s, which was really good. It was a nice change from Denny�s, Bob Evans and Steak-N-Shake. I�d love to take Lisa and the kids to Tucker�s but as of 2 years ago they did not have a kids menu.
That sucks.
After that, we kind of sat around on the porch while the kids played. They drew a giant house with sidewalk chalk. They walked the dog.
Eventually, we got hungry and bored. So we decided to go to Lisa�s so I could log on to my diaryland page to see if the a-hole from Columbia had visited my page (they did, which prompted my angry tirade you see in the last entry). On the way we stopped at Wendy�s for some grub.
We got to Lisa�s. Not only have they hacked into my diary, but someone else has hacked into my paypal and yahoo accounts. Once I found that out, I went in and changed the password on both. People really need to leave my crap alone.
We hung out there for a while. Lisa busted out the home videos from when Jacob was born and when he was a baby.
We watched those for a while, and eventually realized it was late. As we were leaving, Mr. Moody drove up. We chatted briefly and Lisa took me and Jackie home.
Sunday was a lazy day. Jackie and I had breakfast at McDonald�s.
When we got home, she got a bath.
Jackie had a birthday party at Rollercade to go to, so we left about 15 til 1. It started at 1:30, so we had plenty of time.
After I dropped Jackie off at Rollercade, I went to clean out my car. I kid you not; there was an entire garbage bag full of trash in my car. After throwing that out, I vacuumed it out. I decided while Jackie is in Oregon I�m going to steam clean the car. It needs it bad.
I think I got minor heatstroke. I felt weak and tired after I cleaned the car, so I ran to Quiktrip and got a huge bottle of water and went home. I did a few things around the house, and before I knew it, it was time to go pick Jackie up.
Turns out she had a great time. I think being invited to a birthday party with 4 other kids from your class and it being FUN got rid of Jackie�s hurt feelings about not being invited to other parties this year. I told Jackie that she got to go to the party that mattered. The little girl is a good friend and it was a great party. This little girl has been her friend since kindergarten.
I keep telling Jackie it�s not important to have a bunch of friends who are fake and that it�s more important to have a few friends that are good to you. I know that�s hard to deal with especially when you�re a kid, but I was trying to help her out.
Maybe to her it�s just another example how me being 30 makes me OLD and out of touch.
It�s a little boring around Happy Smurf Village without Mylie and Willie. So, time goes by a little slower, but that�s okay.
Well, something not so boring happened last night, and I was mad. I�m on the phone with my sister Renee about 8 o�clock and Jackie comes back from the playground in tears.
I ask her what�s wrong and she tells me that Malcom, one of the kids in the complex, pushed her down and told her he hated her �Fat, stupid ugly self�.
I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS CRAP KEEPS HAPPENING TO MY KID! Does Jackie have a sign painted on her forehead that says, �Pick on me!�?
I had had it with people picking on her. I�ve never really had a problem with this kid until recently, when he told Jackie last week that she was so stupid.
I got of the phone with my sister Renee and marched down to the playground. I got about a 100 feet from Malcolm and told him to �come here�.
I guess the tone of my voice told him I was not playing, so he hauled butt until he got about 50 feet from me.
�You got about 1 minute to apologize to my daughter before I call the cops�. I had the phone in my hand.
�She wouldn�t move!� He said.
�Um, the playground is for playing. You should�ve been playing ball elsewhere! You don�t push someone down because they�re in your way!�
Then I proceeded to tell him that if he ever touches my child again, I would call the cops. He apologizes.
Kids, especially boys, should be taught at a young age that you don�t put your hands on girls to do them harm.
�Oh, and one more thing. I�m fat. If you want to make fun of someone, you make fun of me. But she is not fat or ugly, and you don�t do that to little girls. You got it!� He nodded, and I stalked off.
Jackie is 8 years old, tall, and weighs 65 pounds. She isn�t fat in the least, but this is where a kid can get a complex. She�s definitely not ugly. The little jerk.
I�m sick and tired of people picking on my kid! I�d hate to think what the kids would say if she was a little chunky or if she had red hair or a big nose.
Kids are mean!
As far as the case, I�m starting to get depressed. I�m scared I�ll get those bipolar symptoms again now that the case is revived and going strong. Last time, I almost lost my mind. I was so stressed out the last time that I was having auditory hallucinations, which I�ve NEVER had before in my life.
I hope and pray I can be strong this time around.
8:58 am - May 23, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
bluemeany
idontpretend
whinerwoman
flicka
kungfukitten
awittykitty
artofliving
thegrapevine
trancejen
chicagojo
ingridwrites
bettyford
myexodus
janie12975
vickithecute
drahmaqueen
ruachadonai
bipolarchild
thedetails
irisheyes70
sunshine0221
sallydallydo
allykitty5
dragprincess
tuckandsophi
taken-by-you
pajamamama
soulstyce
biodtl
thedevlyn
erianne1
jackprague78
r-y-r
nimiiwin
wifemotherme
boxx9000
poolagirl
marlen816
wilberteets
mom-on-roof
mpeacock
arianstar
thecrankyone
kayemess
amblus