Read previous entry when you get a moment:
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I don�t know what is wrong with me. Lately, I�ve been thinking about my mother a lot�and I�ve been crying for her. I know nothing can bring her back, but it doesn�t help me at all. I feel so alone sometimes.
It�s not that I don�t have a rich life. I have lots of people in my life who love me. But I think in 99% of all cases, it is true that no one will love you like your mother.
What enrages me is that I know my mom was a good mom. I know for a fact that my sisters and me were my mother�s LIFE! She lived for us. We didn�t have a lot of material things, but we felt loved.
And of course, that is now all gone�..
I was watching a show on TV, one of those Nanny shows. These kids lost their Dad. In particular, there was a little girl who was hurting so bad over the loss of her Dad. She didn�t know how to act, because her pain was so raw.
Tears streamed down my face. I remember being 7 and realizing that my mom was gone, never to come back. I just retreated inside myself most of the time after that. I mean, I was a funny kid, but I think deep down, I was never really happy again.
Last night, I was sitting there watching some mindless TV show, and I started to cry. I really miss my mom. It�s heart wrenching for me to deal with these emotions.
On one level, I felt stupid. What 30-year-old woman cries for her mom who�s been gone 23 years?
You would think it gets easier over time, but I find as I pass certain milestones in my life and Jackie�s life, I miss her presence.
When I was growing up, I used to cry hysterically and beg God to please just send her back. I wanted her back!
�Just send her back! I know you can do it! You perform miracles everyday, so I know you can do this.�
Silence on his end.
Then I�d tell him I�d settle for just a few moments with her. Because, I never got to say �Goodbye�. Not one last kiss, or hug. It seems like in my life I�m always too late to say Goodbye. My mom, my aunt Rachel, and my Grandmother.
Mom died and I missed her funeral because I was in the hospital because a grown man, the man who killed my mom, tried to kill me. My Aunt Rachel had a cerebral hemorrhage and she was in a coma by the time I got to the hospital. My beloved Grandma Lue died 45 minutes before I got to the hospital.
Maybe this is why I don�t allow many people to get close. Less chances to get hurt, I think. My adopted ma, Cinders, who took me in when I was a runaway, well, I haven�t felt close to her until recently�but up until now, I�ve sort of punished her for wanting to commit the crime of loving me. I�ve tested her, tried her, neglected her, abused her love, and pushed her away because I felt guilty for loving someone else as a mom.
But she�s done her time. She deserves for me to open up and love her back.
In the meantime, I continue missing my mom Joann. She really was a loving, wonderful and funny person who didn�t deserve what happened to her. I didn�t deserve to lose my mom either. I was just a little kid. An awkward, clumsy and cheerful little girl with wild hair and dirty skinned-up knees..who loved her mom with all she had.
And then she was gone.
I really, really miss her.
1:38 pm - May 20, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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