Today is April 27th. Every year, no matter what I do, this day is hard for me. It was on this day in 1982 that my very life was almost stolen from me. It was the day my mom died. It is the day that I almost died. That day, my baby sister almost died.
How many years has it been? Oh yeah, 23 years.
I am going to try to keep busy today, because this week every year is hard too. Because my mother Joann�s birthday is May 3rd. She was murdered a week before her birthday.
Maybe this weekend I�ll go out and put flowers on her grave. I try to do that as often as possible, but sometimes it is too much to go out there. Part of me wants to lie down on top of the grave and cry. I know it sounds weird, but that�s my impulse.
Now that I have 3 family members buried at St. Matthew�s, it is that much harder. I haven�t been to my Grandma�s grave since she was buried on March 9th.
That was a cold, cold day.
I�ll stop by and see Grandma too when I go.
It is strange adjusting to life when a loved one dies. It seems the younger they were, the harder it is. Mom was 33 or 34 when she died. It about killed everybody to say goodbye to her.
And my favorite aunt Rachel�she died when I was twelve. She was 33 also. I was so very sad, because she was my mom now. And then she was gone. Stupid cerebral hemorrhage.
Grandma was old, but she was precious to me. We were close. Hell, I put Biore� pore strips on her nose, so you know we had to be close.
I miss her smile, her touch, and her rough hands.
As far as Jackie�I�m not sure she really had an awareness about when Grandma died. Jackie seemed almost removed from the situation. I tried to get her to talk about it, and I encourage her to share her feelings about it. She may or she may not, depending on how she feels that day.
Little Miss Maturity.
In other news..Jackie had a tooth pulled yesterday. What was she the maddest about? The diet. Cold..soft..foods. Yogurt, pudding and cold spaghettio�s got old quick. Last night, she did get a banana split. Of course she gave me the banana.
Today, I am very tired. I�m a little sad, but nothing that won�t pass when Wednesday, the 4th of May rolls around. My annual grieving cycle will have come around and left again, until next year.
I know all of you get sick of hearing about what happened to me. I know if I was the one reading it or listening to it then I might too. But it�s important to get it all out, and not let it fester inside. Thank you all for always being there.
I just wish I could move on. The sad thing is that crime victims hardly ever move on because their lives are decimated by grief, pain, agony and anger.
I�m not angry so much anymore. I�m sure there are times I will be, but mostly, I am just a little sad. It�s not that I don�t enjoy life, because I do. But there�s a little part of me that always misses my mom.
When the absence of a loved one is so profound, one is bound to be sad sometimes.
I will survive.
Yes I will. If it kills me, I will emerge from this. Someday.
Have hope.
1:14 pm - April 27, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
bluemeany
idontpretend
whinerwoman
flicka
kungfukitten
awittykitty
artofliving
thegrapevine
trancejen
chicagojo
ingridwrites
bettyford
myexodus
janie12975
vickithecute
drahmaqueen
ruachadonai
bipolarchild
thedetails
irisheyes70
sunshine0221
sallydallydo
allykitty5
dragprincess
tuckandsophi
taken-by-you
pajamamama
soulstyce
biodtl
thedevlyn
erianne1
jackprague78
r-y-r
nimiiwin
wifemotherme
boxx9000
poolagirl
marlen816
wilberteets
mom-on-roof
mpeacock
arianstar
thecrankyone
kayemess
amblus