So, I feel like I�m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know that some weird stuff is going to happen with the case in the following months. However, right now I feel strong.
Part of me wonders if I am in some sort of denial. Maybe a little. I hope the way I�m feeling right now is not a strong defense mechanism that�s going to boomerang back to me and kick me in the butt.
Maybe my Grandma�s spirit is with me. She was the strongest woman I ever met. I do come from good stock in that sense.
I�m not all doom and gloom. I feel like people should know that. Most of the time I�m a pretty happy person.
Few things make me really sad, and the case is one of them. It�s something I endeavor to put behind me but it keeps coming up over and over again.
I�d like there to come a day when I don�t think about murder and other dark things. That will be the greatest testament to good, that I carve out a happy place for me in life.
I just feel a responsibility to speak up for those who are silent about what�s happened to them, either by choice or not. I don�t want victims to feel shame, so I come forward and I hope that they learn something from it.
One voice can make a difference.
****************************************************************
Gosh, I am so tired. It seems like the last 2 � weeks have been such a blur. It seems like yesterday that my sister and my niece were here.
It feels like yesterday that Grandma died. I�m still having these moments where it just smacks me upside the head that she�s gone. She�s really truly gone.
It�s hard to accept. Grandmas are supposed to be there forever.
I heard a song the other day that reminded me of her. It�s called �The Flame� and it�s beautiful. I think it�s by Cheap Trick. It came out when I was a kid.
�I can�t believe you�re gone
You were the first you�ll be the last
Wherever you go, I�ll be with you
Whatever you want I�ll give it to you�
I still can�t believe that my Grandma lived 23 years longer than my mom did. I think it�s supposed to be the reverse, but life was good to me so I guess the big guy upstairs knew what he was doing. No telling where I�d be if I would�ve grown up in that neighborhood. Pregnant and have 5 kids by 5 different guys? Not out of the realm of possibility. It�s par for the course in the ghetto.
So much going on. Not enough me to go around. My house is a true pigsty. I feel the urge to spring clean building up inside of me, but I haven�t felt propelled to clean yet. Fruit flies have made their grand reentrance into my home. I feel so lucky!! I sprayed the crap out of a bunch of them that were hovering above my kitchen sink. I hate those things. Thank God for Raid Spray with Fast Knockdown. I am all about instant gratification. And it gratifies me to see a nasty little fruit fly squirming on the counter trying to die.
This weekend, I did dishes. I did laundry. That�s about it.
And every time I get something clean something else gets messed up. I couldn�t even blame it on Jackie this weekend.
Now, as far as cleaning, it�s not like opportunity didn�t arise. I did have a weekend without little Jackie because she was at Ma�s house. I could�ve cleaned, but I didn�t. Friday night I just sat on the couch like a lump. Didn�t move a whole lot. I wasn�t really motivated. I watched reruns of �What I Like About You� and �Reba�. You know what? Reba is FUNNY! She has terrific comedic timing. Love her!
Last week I struggled with a sinus infection. The past 3 days have been lovely too. I can�t stop coughing. Saturday night I coughed so hard in my sleep that I almost peed on myself. Yesterday before bed, I took some of those Robitussin soft gels but I ended up coughing again � hour after I got in bed. So I got up and went into the bathroom and got some actual Robitussin liquid medicine. That worked, and I fell asleep.
I could�ve slept another couple of hours.
God love the dog, but I woke up this morning bright and early. He jumped up on the bed and licked my face. I told him how cute he was. He barked a little. Then, he jumped down on the floor and took a dump right in front on me.
I was so mad.
At least do your usual and bark at me so I know you need to go to the bathroom as soon as possible. Then, after I�m dressed, I walk into the living room, and he pops a squat right there and pees right in front of me.
It never ends. Neither my dog nor my daughter is potty trained. Jackie has a weak bladder, and Little Bear and I have not developed a schedule yet for going out to potty.
Sometimes you just wanna cry.
I also think I�m going to have to buy a baby gate and lock his butt up in the kitchen when we�re gone for a long period of time. I can�t have pee in my carpets because it will stink!
Plus, it�s ewww!
I love dogs and I love Little Bear, but I think this will take some getting used to. Plus, little Jacq will have to learn to not rile him up. She has a lot of fun playing with him but neither of them knows how to calm down. I�m lying in bed last night trying to go to sleep and she�s playing with him under the covers. I�m trying to watch �Charmed� and they�re chasing each other around the coffee table.
I�m not complaining because he�s a wonderful dog. But he is a dog. Dog�s bark, chew and poo. That�s what they do. (I rhymed!)
Jacq came over Saturday because me and her and Lisa were going out! He ran to her and he was all over her. I could tell that he was thrilled to see her.
And then I can also see him saying, �Okay, joke�s over. Take me home now! This is no longer funny.�
I was a little sad, watching him with my cousin this weekend. It�s obvious he misses her. I felt so bad about that. They just have a way with each other.
She�s a good dog mama. As much as I love Little Bear I�d give him back to her if she asked. She just seems so lonely.
Next weekend I hope to take him to the park for a walk. I�d like to get him used to being around other dogs and people. I also have to find a collar and a harness that he can�t chew through.
Saturday night I went out with my homies, which is my cuz and my friend Lisa. They�re the shiznit!
We went to Woody�s and got a decent table. So�we had a great time, and I didn�t get a lot of leg cramps from trying to balance this big ole ghetto booty on a stool.
You know what I�m noticing? Alcohol doesn�t affect me the way it used to. I used to get all giggly and now no matter what I drink, I get mellow. That�s kind of disappointing.
I thought I�d switch it up by drinking Mudslides instead of White Russians. Nope, I was still mellow.
My cousin was talking to this guy�who I think is nice but has some issues. Nothing against the guy but I could swear one time that he told me and Lisa he was a firefighter but then we found out he wasn�t.
Anyway, he and Jacq hit it off. I think he wanted to come home with us. I looked over at him and was like, �Um, no!� I hope that didn�t offend anyone but I don�t let guys I don�t know into my house. I just don�t. What if he�s a creep? And then he knows where I live? No thanks. Let�s all go out to eat or something but you�re not coming to my house if I don�t know you
.
Lisa was dancing with Will. Dreamy, hot, and sexy Will, the magician. He is so cute. He did a couple of magic tricks and he is good!!! I couldn�t believe my eyes!! If he can do that kind of magic with his hands��he he.
I used to not believe that kind of magic was real, but I saw what he did up close and I am a believer. Part of me things that he might have some �paranormal� talents too since he is so good at that. Like, he could �glamour� or does ESP, or something like that.
Hope he couldn�t read my mind because Lisa, I saw him as a Chippendale!
Sunday, was a little hung over. Felt bad because me and my cousin Jacq woke up and realized that I had used the last of the TP. So, she left.
I headed out to Florissant for a surprise birthday party for Jacq and Granny Great.
I always say Jackie�s birthday lasts for a couple of weeks. Her birthday was on the 3rd, her party on the 5th, and then this party at Grandma Cindy�s house. She�s got presents she never opened because we had the party on the 5th, Grandma Lue Lue died on the 6th and all of our family came into town on the 7th.
After all that yesterday, we came home about 6 and relaxed.
Tried to go to bed early but it didn�t work.
And here I am. Tired as hell, but none worse for the wear.
Aunt Flo came to visit yesterday. Seems like she was just here! No wonder I was so crabby last week.
1:05 pm - March 21, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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