I�ve been feeling numb for the past few days. Yesterday, while I was at work, I pulled out the little remembrance card that I got at Grandma�s wake. I stared at it a minute and burst into tears. I miss her SO very much.
I feel like a light went out in my world. It�s much colder without her here. I have these little moments where I think, �I should call Grandma and tell her this..� but then I remember that she�s gone.
She was my connection to my mother. My mother was her firstborn.
Now all I have is my cousin Jacq and my sisters. Not that it�s not enough but I feel a little melancholy. No Grandma to cry with. No Grandma to pray for me. No Grandma to talk about the case with. No Grandma to always be happy when I come over.
There�s a lot of wonderful things in my life that died with Grandma. I guess it�s up to me to recognize the wonderful things that still are in my life.
She was so so beautiful to me. I thought I had prepared myself for the day she would die. But in reality, I wasn�t prepared for the gaping hole she left in my life. The profound sense of loss. The disorientation that follows.
While a belief in Heaven is one of the things that sustain me in this life, I am selfish because I want her here. But to want her here is to also recognize that she did suffer so much the last few months. So Grandma is better of where she is: In the Arms of the Angels.
My friend Lisa said that my Grandmother would come to me in my dreams. Gosh, I hope so. I would like a chance to tell her I love her again. That�s the only thing I really regret, is that I didn�t have a chance to tell her I loved her again.
I had a dream Friday night of skunks. I looked it up on the net in a dream dictionary and it means I�m on the defensive or trying to defend myself. If that doesn�t resonate with you about my case, nothing will.
Well, I just sent an email to Ann Rubin at Channel 5 news. I did this because I didn�t want Rodney�s daughter to come forward and me not have a chance to get my say in. You know?
I let Ann know what is happening with the case.
I do have to go home and clean now because you never know when your house has to be spic and span for news folk.
The bright spot in the last few days is that my cousin Jackie and her husband Tommy brought me their dog. They are divorcing and he is the property that I get custody of.
He is so adorable. His name is Little Bear and he�s a black Pomeranian. I think I�m in love. Who can resist such an adorable little face?
He�s totally a lap dog. He also likes to stick his butt in your face. I�m not sure why.
Last night he slept with us. I thought that was so sweet.
I am emotionally tired. I need a hug.
You can go ahead and start leaving me notes again. If I write about the case I�d prefer you not leave me a note, but otherwise, write away.
But do go ahead and take a look at my profile. I changed it around a little bit. I was snickering when I wrote it. I hope she does read it. I censored myself to PG-13. She wouldn�t get that lucky in person.
My dear readers: You are all wonderful to me and I love you all. If you have a password to my journal please protect it. It doesn�t seem implausible that someone might contact one of you and offer you money for a password. Please don�t give it out. I�m begging you.
Thanks,
Missy
1:45 pm - March 15, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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