Thursday, March the 3rd, I talked to my Grandma on the phone. She had been admitted to the hospital on Wednesday for kidney failure. She was on dialysis, and we thought that she�d make it through this like she did everything else.
�Hi Grandma. I love you,� I told her, smiling.
�Hi Lis.� I knew she was smiling too.
I asked her how she was doing. What she said next will stick in my memory forever:
�I�m flying so high, Lis.�
�What did you say?� I asked her.
�I�m flying, flying high!� For a minute, I thought she was on some good painkillers, so I asked her if she was.
�Of course not,� She said, indignant that I would ask such a thing.
Now, I think she was on to something. I think Grandma could see the other side. The other side, meaning, heaven. The other side where my mother, my aunt Rachel and other relatives were standing on that bank of the beautiful river in heaven waiting for her.
Grandma died Sunday morning.
I�d had inklings that something was going to happen. The weird dream where I married my uncle, the funeral procession that passed in front of me a few weeks ago, and the conversation where Grandma was flying.
However, Jackie�s birthday was a big deal, so I put on a party for her. I felt guilty.
Saturday, we had the party for Jackie. The party started at 5 and didn�t end until 11:30 that night. Lisa and Jake came. So did Ms. Terry, and Kylie and Willie.
I went to bed that night utterly exhausted.
When the morning came, my sleep became restless. Suddenly, something was telling me to wake up.
But I knew it was Sunday and I didn�t have to wake up for anything. Yet, the voice still persisted. At 9:20 a.m., I woke up. At 9:25, my aunt called me. She was hysterical.
�Your Grandma�s on life support until we can get to the hospital.�
I didn�t want my aunt to go alone, so I hurried up and got Jackie up and we were dressed and out of there. I knew immediately that this situation was different from the others where she had been sick.
On the way, I realized that Jackie would need something for breakfast so I stopped in the drive through at Hardee�s.
I read once that courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is knowing something is more important than fear.
I was afraid of the highway, but I was more afraid of not saying �Goodbye� to my Grandmother. So I got on the highway.
I was the first one to the hospital. I got there at 10:20 a.m. I walked hand in hand with Jackie to the Critical Care Unit. When we walked in, the doctor mistook me for my aunt.
I corrected him.
�We worked on her for an hour and a half, but her heart could not take it. She died at 9:35.� The world stopped for a moment. My face grew warm. My heartbeat thudded rapidly.
I was in shock.
Besides the doctor, there was a Priest. I was comforted by his presence. He told me he had been the last person to speak to Grandma. He said that she was so sweet.
They led us back to her bed. In life, she was so big to me. In death, she looked so small. I remembered her rough hands. I remembered how I felt when she grabbed my hand. I found a hand that didn�t have an IV in it, and I held it. She was already getting cold.
�I love you Grandma. So very much.� I told her. A thousand things went through my mind that I wanted to say to her, but I could not find any words.
It was a long day. Somehow, Aunt Abby already knew Grandma was gone. She was not surprised when I told her.
However, as we sat and waited for Uncle Nat to arrive, I instinctively knew that my Uncle Dan would not know. I was right. When he got off the elevator with Uncle Nat, I noticed he had flowers and a card for Grandma. That broke my heart.
My uncle Nat gave me a hug. �Uncle Dan doesn�t know.� He whispered into my ear.
�Well, who�s going to tell him?� Neither my aunt nor my uncle had the heart to tell him, so I did. I took him for a walk. He carried the flowers in his hand.
�What�s wrong?� He asked me.
That�s when I told my Uncle that his mother had died.
My uncle Larry didn�t know either. I don�t blame my aunt. She wasn�t thinking straight. Uncle Larry teared up quickly. He�s been a member of this family for 25 years, and she was �mom� to him.
When he touched her cheek, he turned to me and said, �She�s cold�� like he didn�t understand. He looked so sad and confused.
I had a peace that day that I haven�t had since. I think God gave me the strength to be there for my family.
Monday, my sister Renee, her husband Tommy, and their kids drove in from Tennessee. My niece Melody took a Greyhound from Miami and came in on Tuesday. Tuesday evening was the wake.
As sad as it was, good things came out of Grandma�s passing. My cousin�s Susie and Michelle came to the wake. I haven�t seen them since I was 18. I cried when I saw them. I didn�t realize how much I missed them until I did.
I also saw the Detective Joe Burgoon. He was one of the detectives that worked on my mom�s case. I found out later that he was heading to speak to that Journalism class today. I felt good that the class would get to talk to him first about our case.
We didn�t get home from the wake until 9:30 p.m.
Tuesday night, Renee and me sat in my car sobbing. We sat in the car crying and smelling Grandma�s sweater. I had asked my aunt for it, so she gave it to me. It smelled like her, and Oil of Olay, and her favorite fabric softener, Downy. I will cherish that sweater for the rest of my life.
Yesterday was very hard. During the funeral service there were times I thought I was going to have a panic attack because I could not breathe from crying so hard.
It was tough seeing all those I love distraught over Grandma�s passing. So many people that I didn�t even know were there. I wanted to ask them their name, but I could not. I felt like everything I did was in slow motion.
The church service was in true apostolic style. But that was what Grandma was about and it had her mark all over it. It was okay with me. Her pastor presided over the service. He is truly a good man. He was with us at the hospital, at the wake, and now the funeral.
I don�t care what religion you are, when you have that beautiful spirit like he did, it affects people. He and his wife were such a comfort to us. It seemed like he always knew the right thing to say.
My cousin Jackie sang. She has such a beautiful voice. When she sings, it sends shivers all over my body. There is such soul and beauty in her voice, and I think she put it to good use yesterday. She broke down once while singing. I felt bad for her. I tried not to look at her since I knew I�d make her more upset.
(I love you Jackie, so much. You�re the best cousin a girl could ask for.)
I cried from the time service started till the time it was over. I think between me and aunt Lori, we went through an entire box of Kleenex. I was glad I sat next to Lori. We are both very emotional, and we leaned on each other a lot.
Rene� sat behind me with Jackie. I was glad because I think Jackie would�ve been upset watching me cry like that.
For the last two years I spent a day each weekend with Grandma. We grew very close. We had a lot of conversations just between us. Grandma kept a lot of secrets for me. We laughed a lot.
Sometimes, I would sneak her something sweet, like a little fudge or molasses, or strawberry shortcake.
I tried to do special little things for her like buy her specialty soaps and beauty stuff. I helped her take care of her face, and helped her trim stray hairs.
My Grandma and me were different in the way that we didn�t share a religion. I don�t think Grandma ever cared that I wasn�t Pentecostal.
However, I do know that prayer works, and I knew I was always in her prayers. Grandma always prayed for me.
Grandma was 76 years old. She lived her life for God. My family says she�s �asleep in Jesus�. I prefer to think she�s been reunited with my mom and aunt Rachel. I think it is a happy time in Heaven right now.
At the close of the service, we had to go up and pay our last respects. I knew there were people behind me but I felt cemented to the ground in front of her casket. I just did not want to leave her there. I didn�t want to let her go. Letting her go meant that I was accepting her death and I wasn�t there yet.
At the end of the service, my cousin sang �Amazing Grace�. It is such a spiritual, moving song. I remember many times sitting in church listening to Grandma sing it. Now I will only have memories of it. I hope I never forget her voice.
I felt more composed at the cemetery. After we said our final goodbyes to Grandma, we left the interment building and went to my mom�s grave. I also walked over to Grandpa�s grave to see where exactly Grandma was going to be buried. The bulldozer had already dug fresh earth out of the ground. Reality sort of hit me right there.
Grandma�s church had a lunch reception for our family. They are such nice people. God knows we were hungry, but we didn�t know how much until we sat down to eat.
I used to be afraid of death. But now, I think, how wonderful that someday I will be with them. �..And there will be no more tears, or death..�
I don�t know what I�m going to do with myself. I�ve spent the last two years taking care of other people. I think it�s all going to hit me when it�s a beautiful day out and I think to myself �Maybe I can spend a long while at Grandma�s today� or when something sad happens and I think �I�ll call Grandma and ask her to pray for me� and it dawns on me that she is not here anymore.
A lot of people don�t know their grandparents. I know that I did not know my Grandpa well, but I had reasons why I had to keep away from him. He was sort of a pervert.
But I knew Grandma. I knew her well.
I have a peace that she knew how much I loved her. She loved me unconditionally, and I loved her like that too.
I don�t have guilt. The only thing I would change it that I should�ve went to see her on Friday instead of planning to do it on Sunday.
I also wish that I would�ve known about her condition earlier, so that I could�ve been with her when she died. I don�t blame anyone, though. When God takes us home, it�s on his own time, not ours.
Even though I wasn�t with her when she passed from this life to the next, I was with her in life, and that has to count for something.
If I learned anything from this, it�s that I�m going to do my best to take care of my mom Cindy. I�m not going to neglect her.
She�s going to know how much I love her. I hope to do that with everyone in my family.
10:44 am - March 10, 2005
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