It�s not really my place to write about this but I really have no one to talk to. My cousin might get mad at me.
I love my cousin dearly. She is truly a light in my life. Whenever I talk to her I end up feeling really happy. She�s that wonderful!
While I was growing up and being a wild child, Jackie was very active in the Pentecostal church. At the time, I thought she was there by choice, but now I�m starting to think she didn�t feel she had a choice. She was very sheltered.
I did all the crazy stuff Jackie didn�t. I partied. I drank. I dated guy after guy after guy. I went to all the alternative clubs. I hung out with the crazy gay kids. I went to East St. Louis all the time. I skipped college classes to sleep. I moved to New Orleans when I was 19 or 20. I traveled all over the world. I joined the military. I got married, became a mother, got divorced. I moved back home in 2000.
During this time, Jackie got married. She left the church. And now, she is divorcing.
I�m truly behind her in that because you only get one life and if you�re truly not happy, then you need to move on. I totally support that.
Now, she is moving very quickly into a relationship with a guy she doesn�t know well, and of course, I have some opinions on it. While she�s not been around the block even, I�ve traveled the entire zip code. There are certain things I�ve come to know about men and people in general. I want to pass this wisdom to my cousin. While this behavior can also apply to women, this is mainly for women�s benefit.
1) men who are abusive don�t have 3 heads, and probably will not tell you they smacked around their girlfriends or their wife. Even if they admit they did, they will probably say that she provoked him. They rarely take the blame for their actions. You should be wary of people that don�t take responsibility for their actions. Later on you will shoulder a lot of blame for things you didn�t even know you were responsible for.
2) Men snap sometimes days into a relationship, others, years into a relationship and hit you. You cannot know if a man is an abuser, but there are some warning signs. Heed them. If a guy is short-tempered, possessive, nosy, jealous, insecure, angry, sullen, pouty, immature, and has a chip on his shoulder plus any of those above things together then you�d better watch out. Keep your eyes open.
3) The most dangerous time for a woman is when she chooses to leave a man. This is a very unstable time in relationships.
4) A true gentleman will wait to get into your pants. He will appear to be patient. A guy that doesn�t wait is not interested in your personality no matter what he tells you.
5) People quite often misrepresent themselves online and on phone chat lines. I�m not saying your guy did it, but it isn�t unusual. Period. End of story.
6) A man that rushes you into a relationship, or allows you to rush, in my experience, either is extremely needy or abusive. By the time you rush into things, and you realize he is a creep, you�ve already moved in with him, married him, or had children by him. Often, he isolates you from family and friends, and in turn, you feel like you have no one to turn to for support. I�ve seen it happen time and time again.
7) You will not have an idea of who someone really is for months. Allow your mind to process data, and don�t let your wants and desires have an impact on the data. Data is irrefutable. Don�t lose focus of the facts.
8) Don�t believe everything single thing he says. Yes, trust is important, but it must be earned. Trust should develop over time.
9) If your family is worried about you, be considerate of that. Please do not blame us for being concerned. Often times, people on the outside see warning signs that we cannot. I�ve been in a few relationships where either my sisters or my adopted Mom pulled me aside and said, �I think something is wrong here..�
10) Don�t confuse lust with love. You will get hurt if you do.
11) Don�t invest too heavily in a new relationship. Again, if it doesn�t work out, you will get hurt.
12) Sometime between dating for 3 months to 12 months, one or both parties will pull back. This is painful, and it happens in almost every relationship. One or both parties decide about now whether they are in this relationship for the long haul. This is a period that many relationships do not survive. Do not be surprised when this happens to you.
13) When you are dating, people are on their very best behavior. Be forewarned that if he acts like an ass now, chances are, he will be a bigger one after you are in a committed relationship.
14) Watch how he treats other people and animals. Waiters, strangers, and family. He should be polite, unless someone is ignorant to him. He shouldn�t be rude to everyone but you. Watch out if he is.
15) A few things should be similar in order for you to have harmony: values and morals. You should also talk about children and how you would raise them. It�s also important, if you are in a committed relationship, that you discuss financial information. How you spend money, how much you like to save. Whether you want to buy a house someday. Whether you loan money to friends and family..and your spending habits.
16) How does he treat his mother and grandmother? Does he have an attitude about women?
17) Does he respect your decisions? Does he second-guess you?
18) If he is talking and he doesn�t look you in the eye or he touches his head or his nose, he�s not entirely sure or he�s not being truthful. Also watch out if he is vague on things he ought to know.
19) If he has a problem with drugs or drinking, you have to decide immediately whether you are going to stay or you are going to go. But know that you cannot fix his problem. He has to want to get help, and go after it. Not many addicts get help. The brave ones do, but I digress.
20) The moment he lays a hand on you, you must get out. It will not only not stop, it will get worse. If you need further motivation, watch the movie �Enough�. Abuse only gets worse over time, not better. By the time their done with you, you are but a shell of a person..if you make it out alive.
That, my pretties�is about the extent of my sage advice. I got married after knowing Jackie�s dad for 2 months, and it didn�t work out. Just be careful. Please.
2:07 pm - February 23, 2005
Recent entries:
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