I must be going into a manic phase. I thought that December was a little rough and that it was just my imagination, but the wiggy feeling just won�t go away, even now, a month later. Saying this makes it more real and makes my heart skip a beat. My attention span is nil, I can�t get to sleep at night, and I�m focused on cleaning my house. I�m exhausted though. Not getting enough sleep is starting to wear on me. It is now the 5th night that I cannot fall asleep.
There are other feelings, that I can�t put my finger on, that give me clues that I�m going into mania.
I�m on medication�how could I be manic? How do I go into a manic phase? It is still possible, even with medication. However, I think the severity of the mania and depression is lessened because of the Zyprexa. I think the Zyprexa makes the difference between actual life and death.
How does mania begin for me? Well, when horrible things happen to me, indirectly or directly, I grieve deeply. Sometimes, I go into a manic period, where I don�t need sleep so much or I spend too much money. It can be dangerous for some people because they can be pushed to act stupid or commit suicide. I am not suicidal. Please understand that.
What�s more dangerous for me is the depression that follows the mania. That�s what makes it difficult to even get out of bed. The will to live is zapped from you.
In 2001, I was deeply affected by September 11th. This cycle began. First, the mania. That November, I hit a deep depression. It was hell. Christmas was definitely different. Sadder, maybe.
I was deeply affected by the crap with my attacker�s case last year. Another cycle began. Mania first. By September of 2003, I was no longer willing to live. By the grace of God, somehow I came out of it.
Now we have the tsunami. It makes me feel a little silly that things affect me the way I do. I have cried every day since it happened. I think more so than some people, I identify with human suffering and somehow become entrenched in my emotions. The sheer suffering and loss has made me very sad.
Now that I recognize a cycle, I know to watch for certain signs. If things get weird, I will call my doctor. I know enough about mania and depression that I think I will recognize it if I�m in trouble.
Damn this disease. When I think I�ve conquered the monster, it rears its ugly head again. There�s some sadness that goes with this�.that it is unlikely that I will ever be free of this. It�s a lifelong disease. And it�s unlikely I�ll find someone to share my life with because of the stigma attached to bipolar disorder. I hate the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. I�m so young, and yet I feel so old.
I have Jackie. She is the reason I get up every day. I am grateful to have her. She loves me with unconditional love. Sometimes I just feel so unworthy. When she hugs me and tells me, �You�re the best mom in the world,� I bite my lip sometimes until I�m afraid it will bleed. I don�t feel like the best mom. Even though I thank her, I feel like I�m lacking or deficient in some area and it�s going to impact her life in a bad way. I don�t know what the deficiency is, though. I�ve been warned of her having learned behaviors, so I�m trying not to pass any of that to her.
I think I was put here to be her mom. Maybe Jackie will have a sensitivity and understanding of people with mental illness. Maybe someone will come into her life and she will have to draw upon her experience with a mom with a disorder. Who knows?
It makes me angry that not only did genetics predispose me to the disorder, but also that being a victim of a heinous violent crime brought it on too. I am so angry. I could spit.
Moving along�the mania is working to my advantage right now and I�m using it. Since I have a little extra energy, I feel pretty positive about the process of getting my house in order. I am embarrassed that every day there are at least 3 garbage bags outside my front door of crap I just don�t want anymore. I know it looks ghetto, but I�m on a mission.
Tuesday night, I cleaned out from under the kitchen sink. Last night I tidied up my dining room. Yeah, there�s still some clutter. But at least I can see my lovely dining room table. The bonus is that it�s clean.
My living room is sort of a mess but nothing compared to the chaos of the last few months. The Christmas tree is down, and I�ve rearranged the living room again. The room has opened up a lot. It�s nice to breathe.
Tonight, I hope to clean out from under the bathroom sink. I got so much crap in there that I do not use. I don�t see why I should keep it anymore. I�ve got all sorts of beauty products down there that are so old that really, I should throw them out. I�m just sick to death of not being able to find anything under there.
I know this all sounds terribly boring, but if you knew the chaos I�ve lived in most of my life, maybe you�d see why it�s important to do this. It feels to me like I�m getting rid of my baggage. The things that have weighed me down are going in the garbage.
I should do it while I have the energy.
If you love me, and you are concerned, please don�t blame yourself. I have not returned the following phone calls: Lisa, Ms. Terry and my mom. 1) I�m broke and no fun. 2) I feel like I�m boring with nothing to say and 3)I�m hiding. I do that sometimes. That doesn�t mean you shouldn�t call or come by. But it might explain my blank stare.
Erianne: Thanks so much for writing to me. I will write back to you. Right now, I just feel overwhelmed..but I will write you soon. You are in my prayers right now anyway.
12:33 pm - January 06, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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