I�ve been thinking a lot about the type of person I am, the person I�m projecting and the person I want to project.
At work I�m surrounded by people with Bachelor�s and Master�s and PH D�s. It�s daunting. Sometimes I feel like an imposter around all these polished individuals.
Do they know how little I know? How incompetent that I am next to them?
I don�t dare tell anyone that I have my high school diploma, plus a year and a half of junior college, plus 9 months of Navy training school. That�s my entire education. That�s the scope of it. I feel highly under-qualified to work at this �government agency�. Stuff goes on that I�d never comprehend in a million years.
Some things are way over my head. Often times, we have these All Hands meetings where they talk about plans and formula�s and statistics and I spend two hours being bored to tears and not understanding what they�re talking about. All I hear is �Blah..blah and double blah!�. I usually end up snoring with my eyes half open, which I�m sure, makes for a purty sight. Crap.
I may nod knowingly when I read your entry about a book, and I�d like to pretend that I�m up on the latest novels..that I�ve read all the great writers. But I haven�t. I�ve read Stephen King and Dean Koontz. I�ve read Judy Blume and some Danielle Steele. I�ve read a lot of books on Oprah�s Book Club. However, I can�t remember the last time I�ve curled up with a good book. It�s been a while.
While I do check CNN.com religiously, I can�t tell you a whole lot about the world of politics. I can tell you more about the Elizabeth Smart, Scott Peterson or Mary Kay LaTourneau cases than I could about the presidential candidates. Truthfully, it all gives me a headache. When it comes time to vote, I will choose the lesser of the two evils, whatever that is.
While I�m creative..I�m not really artsy. I couldn�t tell you about the artist while looking at a piece, unless it�s Monet or Van Gogh. I haven�t been to an art museum in 10 years. I�d love to paint..but I don�t. Art makes me feel passionate, and I�ve not tapped into that in a long time.
Many of you are well traveled. I�m not. I�ve stuck to mainly the United States. I can only marvel at living in London (where my sister�s husband is stationed). I�ve only been to one foreign country: Mexico, Tijuana to be exact. We won�t discuss that, har har. I�ve never been to Scotland, Spain, Italy, Hawaii, and Tibet. I can only dream of going to Paris. Maybe someday. I�d like to go on a Disney Cruise with my daughter. That would be fun.
What�s interesting about me?
The only thing I think I�m good at, besides surviving, is writing. I know what I know, and I write about it. I�m not sophisticated like some of you. Sometimes, I�m a little ashamed of what I write. Like, the fact that my grandma lives in the ghetto, really gets to me. After all she did for me growing up..she�s living in a money pit, in a terrible neighborhood, where she can�t even really sit outside. Or, how about the times my daughter has driven me so crazy that I�ve yelled at her in frustration. Or the fact that I don�t know how to end a friendship (example: Daisy) without it crashing and burning. Or the fact that I can�t walk away from certain situations and instead I get more involved and suddenly I�m in way too deep.
I do my best to be someone my mother would be proud of. It�s that sometimes, I fall seriously short of even my own expectations.
I wonder how other people perceive me. Do others see me as the mixed up person that I think I am? Are their impressions of me as muddled as I feel I am? Why does it matter to me anyway?
I don�t know what I know anymore. I�m doubting myself today.
12:47 pm - September 16, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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