This weekend left me exhausted. I had the usual stuff to do: clean house, wash dishes�etc. Lisa, I�m sorry I didn�t call you. I meant to, but time got away from me.
Do you know how hard it is to keep a two-bedroom apartment clean when there are 4 kids and two adults? And one of the kids is 13 months old and getting into every little thing?
I did 7 friggin loads of laundry Saturday night. There�s not enough room in the car for everyone, much less the laundry, so I elected to go do it myself. I was so tired and distracted at getting all seven loads in, I didn�t even realize I�d thrown a box of 30 dryer sheets in with the whites.
It was when I saw weird movement in the super capacity washer, like I could�ve sworn I�d seen a dryer sheet in there. I checked the laundry baskets and no dryer sheets. They had been sitting on top of the white clothes.
Crap.
After the load was done, I started to remove the clothes and immediately I found 5 dryer sheets wrapped up in clothes.
I was sick. The clothes didn�t smell like dryer sheets so I assumed it was safe to not wash them again.
Just my luck.
My phone got turned off last Wednesday. I looked it up on the Internet the other day and all I owe is $75.00. I pay $20.00 or $30.00 on it every two weeks. The bastards. I can�t get my phone turned back on until Wednesday.
This sucks.
They suck.
Of all the times to lose my phone, this is a bad time.
************************************************************
My sister and I had a few long talks this weekend. She has so much hate, bitterness, anger, sadness, and rage inside her that it pervades everything. Her environment, the people around her and her children are all affected by the negativity and confusion surrounding my sister.
Romy and me staged sort of an intervention with her Saturday night. At first Renee was really defensive and angry, but what we were trying to do was validate Renee and offer solutions for her issues. She just sobbed and constantly teared up. I could feel the pain and sadness emanating from her. I wanted to hug her but I know from experience that physical contact makes her uncomfortable, so I held back.
I hate it when Renee acts like she has no control over her life.
Renee likes to believe she is powerless. She said that she thinks she�s not strong enough. I know that she is strong to have been through all she has. However, strong is different than being smart. Terry influenced her negatively and made her doubt herself. Her choices were not always good ones because of that.
I think Terry tore her down that much. That SOB.
I suggested that she take some ownership and do things on her terms. Instead of dwelling on the awful fact that she left all of her belongings behind (which is terrible enough), maybe she should remember the fear and uncertainty that she dealt with in Tennessee. Would she like to be there and dealing with that? At least she can relax here. I know it�s not home and it�s not what she�s used to. It must be hard to leave all of your possessions behind. But she�s safe. Her kids are safe and they do not have to see mom all terrified and anxious. There has to be some benefit to being at my house. I�d like to think I have something to offer her.
She should remember that my home is a safe place, in a good neighborhood. That Terry cannot find her here. That he cannot hurt her here. We are going to take steps to keep him away from my house.
I for one am not afraid of him. Instead, I�m very angry and almost homicidal. If he dares to step foot on my property, he will not win. He will probably die. I will not run from another man. Terry threatened to murder Renee and me in the way our mother was murdered and finish the job that Rod*ney Lin*coln started when he tried to kill us 21 years ago.
All I�m saying..is that if I were waiting for the police and it came down to me and Terry..well, Terry would die. Sorry. I�m not going to let a man win again. Once upon a time, I was a defenseless 7 year old and a man tried to kill me by stabbing me multiple times. Now, I am a woman, and I�ll be damned if a man would lay a hand on me or my kid. The same goes for my sister and kids.
For all I know, Terry doesn�t know where I live and this would never happen. But I have mentally prepared myself for a showdown. It could happen. I�m a realist too.
I want to do what�s right so that Terry will have to face a jury of his peers for the evil things he has done to my sister and my family. But I will not run. Nay, I will turn around and fight. I�ve already faced death when I was seven and I�m not afraid of anything after that. And this past year, I confronted the man that terrified me the most. Nothing really scares me anymore.
As far as Renee, mostly I think she should tell herself that she is here because she wants to be. We all have to psyche ourselves out sometimes. You know, convince ourselves of something.
We also told Renee that is very obvious that she needs a break. On top of being a mom to 3 kids, it is more than obvious that Renee is still dealing with old issues of our mother�s murder and the subsequent long-term abuse by our caregiver. Those are the thing most toxic to Renee because they are unresolved and she has learned to hold it all in. I pointed out that even though she thinks she�s got it under control and it�s seeping out.
On top of that, Renee is now dealing with the fact that her 4-year illicit affair with an evil maniac has cost her in terms of her sanity, self-esteem and most importantly her relationship with her kids. She has admitted that there were times she didn�t care what her kids thought and she forced them to live under the same roof as Terry. She has admitted she didn�t put her kids first because she wanted to be with the man she loved.
Renee told me she misses her husband. She realizes that the terrible things she has done to Tommy has come back on her. She realizes now that she abused his trust and turned her back on him when all he ever did was love her. She told me she believes that Tommy snapped when he hit her. We both know how intimidating and verbally abusive Renee can be. Hell, she�s my sister and I�ve wanted to hit her before. I am not excusing Tommy losing it and hitting Renee. I�m just saying I can understand why it happened. She�s no picnic in the park, you know. She fights like a man.
She doesn�t believe Terry just snapped. She said Terry was just an evil human being and even when he told you sorry you could feel his disdain and disgust toward you. He didn�t mean it when he said he was sorry. Sometimes, he out and out blamed you for what he did.
She realizes what this affair has cost her. I told her if she learns from this she would be doing more than most people. It�s never too late to start over and turn over a new leaf.
We talked extensively about counseling. I told her you have to find a way to get all of this stuff that is festering inside out of you. We all need an outlet. My outlet is writing. It has saved me more times than I can count. She has no outlet and she�s been holding it all inside for all of these years.
I know the pain she�s dealing with. I know what it�s like to hit bottom because I was there about a year ago. I know, sis.
Remember..I lived through that same terrible night with you. I lived too with you in that hell house with that abusive uncle. I know the powerlessness you feel.
If I can tell her anything..it�s to take back control of your life. Don�t give anyone else power over your life. Trust in god. Have faith that things will work out for the better. Most of all help yourself. Do for you and your kids. Don�t expect a handout. In the long run, you will be better off because you know how hard you worked to get there.
My sister is making more sense today than she has in the last four years. She has learned that control is not love. She has learned that violence is not love. She has learned that jealousy is not love. She has learned stalking is not love.
I am proud of her. So very proud.
2:27 pm - August 23, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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