A few months after the conclusion of the DNA review, my world is slowly returning to normal. Some days I don�t know how to feel, since nothing is terribly wrong with my life. No boogey-man is going to come after me today. Some day�s I don�t know what to do with myself, now that that terrible time is past. I don�t have anything to campaign for, no interviews to do with the local news. No story to write for the guy that does daily editorials at the Post-Dispatch.
I think in an odd way, I�ve felt more alive the past year than I ever have. Not that I always felt good about it. It was scary feeling like I was always ready to jump out of my own skin. I was on edge. Listless. A bit frightened.
The good part is that I feel lighter too. That big dark secret I harbored from those around me is no longer a secret. People know. Yes, a psycho murdered my mother and tried to kill my little sister and me. Yes, I lived to tell about it. Yes, it screwed up my head a bit.
Yes, it�s hard for me to trust and it�s hard for me to maintain relationships. I�m only good at surviving. The rest of life is hard. I�m not good at certain things. Things that come natural to you, I have a hard time with.
Like making friends. It takes me a while to trust a person in the least bit. I put that friend through a lot. I don�t mean to.
Most people make friends based on common interests. I make friends with people that I have a propensity to love at some point. I don�t want to waste a day. I want to love those people in my life, so they have to be really loveable.
Driving on the highway. I hate it. It�s nerve-wracking. I�d better not go on a bridge, because I will have a terrible panic attack. I�m so afraid that I�m going to lose control of the car that I drive exactly the speed limit. I drive slowly if I feel scared. There have been times I slowed down to 35 because I suddenly got scared. All of the sudden I can�t breathe and death is imminent. That�s so dangerous. That�s why I don�t do highways unless I�m out in the country.
Dating sucks. I�m so worried that a guy will end up stalking me, or beating me, or otherwise mistreating me that he practically has to be a spineless jellyfish for me to even go out with him. How sad! Somehow, I equate manly men with being dangerous. And if he drinks to excess it scares me. That night that we were attacked, I have a feeling I smelled alcohol on Rodney�s breath and maybe that�s why I�m terrified of men that drink a lot.
I�m working on not being scared, but it�s all I�ve ever known. I don�t show people my fear; instead it hovers inside me and it�s like there are these little entities that are whispering furiously that �this is a bad idea� or �he�s a bad man� or �be careful now!� I�m not saying that I hear voices. I�m just saying that my fears are very much pronounced, is all. They are very real to me.
I admit that I am sometimes mentally ill. I don�t control it and I can�t control it. I want to hide in my own little place (my apartment and my job) when the world gets to be too much. This illness isn�t something I brought on myself. It�s the result of being in circumstances over and over that are just very wrong and shouldn�t be happening to a little kid. After a while your brain starts adapting any way it can. So, I have my bipolar and my obsessive-compulsive disorder. The symptoms can be debilitating. Most days I�m just fine but when one of my triggers are tripped it throws me into this dark place where I just do the bare minimum to get through each day. Thank God I have a daughter who depends on me. Without her, I would just want to lie down and die. She�s what I live for.
As far as the symptoms, you�ll know it�s happened when you can�t get a hold of me for a while. I won�t answer my phone. I won�t write. Don�t take it personal because this is my way of coping with life. I�m not saying it�s the healthiest way but it works for me. It gets me through each day.
I guess the best part is that since I�ve been on this medicine, I have a lot less of those terrible episodes. I had one in September and one in December. That was the last time I was manic. There is hope.
Life is livable again.
1:00 pm - July 30, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
bluemeany
idontpretend
whinerwoman
flicka
kungfukitten
awittykitty
artofliving
thegrapevine
trancejen
chicagojo
ingridwrites
bettyford
myexodus
janie12975
vickithecute
drahmaqueen
ruachadonai
bipolarchild
thedetails
irisheyes70
sunshine0221
sallydallydo
allykitty5
dragprincess
tuckandsophi
taken-by-you
pajamamama
soulstyce
biodtl
thedevlyn
erianne1
jackprague78
r-y-r
nimiiwin
wifemotherme
boxx9000
poolagirl
marlen816
wilberteets
mom-on-roof
mpeacock
arianstar
thecrankyone
kayemess
amblus