Listening to "Roses" by OutKast:
When I think back to San Diego I remember a lot of things that make me smile and reminisce.
However, when I think back to the four years in Jacksonville the memories are very bittersweet. I made a lot of lifelong friends in Jacksonville, and then there is a twinge of sadness when I remember getting my divorce there. Jacksonville was a place where one could be happy in the right circumstances. I mean, we were close to everything that was fun to do in Florida.
I wonder sometimes if I should�ve stayed in Jacksonville but thinking like that gets me nowhere.
Even through my divorce, I was never really lonely in Jacksonville. I had little Jackie and my sister Melinda, who lived with us. I had Mike, Ricky and Ronnie. Ronnie and Ricky�s ship, the USS Taylor, was frequently gone but when they were in town and in port, they were at my house.
(Ricky and Ronnie started out as being friends with Uranus because they were stationed together, but eventually the guys got tired of being his alibis and decided they�d rather just hang out with me instead.) Weird, I guess, but those two made sure Jackie and I had everything we needed.
Jackie always had someone paying attention to her. I think, in this way, it is true that it takes a village to raise a child. Ricky and Ronnie were Uncles, then there was daddy, then there was Silvia who was her auntie, and I.
I had Jessica, Silvia, and Holly always around. Silvia was pretty special: we spent almost every day doing things together. Shopping, going to the beach, weekend trips to the beach, sightseeing in St. Augustine, movies, etc. Jessica had been stationed with me, and I had lived in the barracks with Holly.
I remember all of those good friends who never let me be alone for too long. I always had people calling and stopping by. I think I thought, with false sense of security, that I had my life figured out. I, for the most part, loved my life the way it was.
Of course, when I got out of the Navy and my plans backfired on me, just how wrong I was. I didn�t know jack!
Moving back to St. Louis was hard. I was a prodigal daughter. I really didn�t want to come back here but I didn�t have a choice. We had planned to live in Medina, Tennessee with my Uncle Darwin and his wife Sam. They had a good economy and people loved to hire prior military, so I felt I had a real good chance of making a good life for myself, once I got on my feet.
Three weeks into that I have this huge argument with Sam where I basically told her to go take a leap, and threw a bottle of Dr. Pepper at her head. I made a quick decision and Jackie and I got on a Greyhound bus and left all of our possessions in a storage unit in Memphis. All we had were some suitcases and a box.
Jackie was barely four years old. Thank God she doesn�t remember that bus ride, because I was so scared I cried the entire time, which was about a day in transit. She was sick with a sinus infection and slept in my arms almost the entire time. I was so scared and uncertain. I didn�t know how I was going to take care of my baby or myself.
The uncertainty was killing me.
We got off the bus at 4:30 in the morning in one of St. Louis�s worst neighborhoods. I called a cab, and we arrived at my adopted mom�s house at 5:15 in the morning. Mom had put out the yo, which is a mattress of sorts, on the living room carpet, for us to sleep on. Jackie and I slept for a little while, but then we got up and had breakfast with my adopted mom.
I didn�t have a place lined up in the city for us to live, so we fell upon the good graces of our family. We couldn�t stay with adopted mom because the house she was living in belonged to Granny Great, who was still pissed at me for something I did years before. I still don�t know what the grudge was.
We stayed with my sister Renee for a week. She kicked us out, and to this day I�m not sure why. I never thought my own sister would kick me out of the house. I then found out that she and my mom thought that since I had no place for us to go, and I had no money coming in, that surely I was an unfit mother. Surely I must be a crazed maniac because I was in a really bad situation, you know by not having a home and all and by having made decisions that were sure to work out but didn�t.
I felt like I was doing my very best, given the circumstances, and I didn�t feel it was anyone�s place to criticize me. The weird part is that Cindy, my adopted mom, had been through a similar situation years before when she moved back to St. Louis with her child and had to move in with her mother.
Oh, and karma? Renee, my sister, got hers when she had to run from that loser jailbird that was stalking her. Where did she come? My house. I opened my arms and door to her and never once did I say anything to hurt her or make her uncomfortable. She did mention, right before she left, that it was weird that I had needed her to let me stay some years ago, and this time she needed me. I felt myself heal a little that day, because finally she knew what it was like to flee a situation with your kids and have nowhere to go but to family.
My family�s opinions of me really hurt. My plans fell through and I�m a bad mom headed for the funny farm? I thought you were supposed to be able to fall back on your family in hard times. I felt so betrayed. I�m over it now, but those memories of how I felt haunted me for a long time. I felt like we have all had to make decisions in our lives and sometimes we hit bottom, but it�s how we learn. I felt like I wasn�t supposed to be able to learn the lessons on my own without finger�s being pointed at me.
Next, we spent 3 months sleeping on cousin Jackie�s floor on an air mattress that constantly deflated. Every night we had to pump it up just so we could sleep on it for 8 hours. It was tedious.
I had gotten a job immediately at Home Decorator�s Collection after getting here making $9.00 an hour, and I had to try to save money to get our own place. I asked Uranus for some help, but he pretty much ignored me. What did I expect from my ex-husband anyway? Shame on me.
One Sunday, when I was still a Mormie, I was at church in the singles class. I sat next to a really nice African-American woman named Ms. Terry. I had seen her before. Obviously, she�d been talking to my adopted mom because she leaned over and said, �I hear you�re looking for a place to live. Is this correct?�
I nodded.
�Well, it just so happens that I have a spare bedroom available in my home. Would you like to stay with me? It�s for as long as you want..�
And that is when I went to live with Ms. Terry. Jackie loved it because Ms. Terry always had her grandkids over and she always had little Lewis, who is about the same age, to play with.
Ms. Terry became so much more to me. I lived with her for a year or so, eventually moving out to let Ms. Terry�s son and his wife move in. We spent many nights laughing and talking about everything.
That year, Ms. Terry helped me rise from out of my own ashes. She really built me up. And for that, I�m eternally grateful to the woman that shaped who I am today. By the way, she�s not a Mormie anymore, either. Interesting, no?
Eventually, Jackie and I got our own apartment. Then I met Lisa, who changed my life for the better with her love and friendship.
I�m so lucky to have such good friends.
*****************************************************
I found an article today about Zyprexa, the medicine I�m taking for my bipolar. It actually details a weight loss plan using Omega 3 and Vitamin E. It might just work, so I�m going to try it. We�ll see.
My stupid eye is watering again, and my nose won�t stop running. This sucks.
It�s going to be so beautiful the rest of the week. The temperature is supposed to top out at 82 degrees. Good news for us tired of being cold this far into spring, and bad news for us suffering from allergies.
I�m still having problems getting Jackie to take her Claritin, and she�s paying for it. Jackie gets lots of headaches.
I�m looking forward to going to Kansas City this coming weekend. It�s Rene�s mother�s birthday on the 8th, so we�re going to share driving on the way there and back. We�re leaving Friday and coming back Sunday night.
I just hope they don�t get any tornados when we�re down there. Kansas is notorious for scary weather.
2:20 pm - May 05, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
bluemeany
idontpretend
whinerwoman
flicka
kungfukitten
awittykitty
artofliving
thegrapevine
trancejen
chicagojo
ingridwrites
bettyford
myexodus
janie12975
vickithecute
drahmaqueen
ruachadonai
bipolarchild
thedetails
irisheyes70
sunshine0221
sallydallydo
allykitty5
dragprincess
tuckandsophi
taken-by-you
pajamamama
soulstyce
biodtl
thedevlyn
erianne1
jackprague78
r-y-r
nimiiwin
wifemotherme
boxx9000
poolagirl
marlen816
wilberteets
mom-on-roof
mpeacock
arianstar
thecrankyone
kayemess
amblus