This weekend I was really depressed over losing Toby. As if that wasn�t enough, it was a rainy dreary weekend. Jackie had plans to go with Romy and Dax to see �Scooby Doo 2� on Saturday afternoon, so she was excited.
I planned to use that time to clean and do errands, but Jackie told Romy I was coming even though I hadn�t said that.
It ended up being a great idea. We decided to get some lunch and then go to a few garage sales before going to the theater.
We couldn�t find a single solitary garage sail. However, we did go to this Methodist Church because they have a �Re-Sell It� shop that�s open on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Ooh, like a garage sale, but inside!
There were some men in the back of the building. My guess is that they were loading or unloading some furniture.
One man had a t-shirt on that said �Old Rugged Cross� which happens to be one of my favorite gospel hymns, next to �Amazing Grace�. He explained that they were renovating the �Re-Sell It� shop but it would be open again next Wednesday.
They were really nice. I think I might attend Sunday Services at that church. I mean, a church really isn�t the building, it�s the people, right?
I talked to Ms. Terry Monday night. It occured to me the other day that my relationship with her is worth more than I've put into it. That makes me feel a bit guilty because Ms. Terry has been my biggest cheerleader.
I think what hurt me was she left a message on my answering machine joking that I "must not like black people anymore". Ouch. That's so not true. I love Ms. Terry and I'm not a racist.
That statement and another where she threatened to come up herself and see how I was doing prompted me to call her. I'm glad I did. I missed talking to her.
I just got done eating this delicious granola bar made by Nature Valley. It�s the chewy Trail Mix bar with Almonds, Raisin�s, Peanut and Cranberry. It�s delicious. You should try it. I usually have a strong aversion to healthy food but lately I�m trying to turn over a new leaf by eating healthier. Diet soda, Healthy Choice Dinners, Lean Cuisine.
My only complaint is that I did not find a single solitary almond in the whole thing. I love almonds. Maybe I need to write them a little note. Maybe I�ll get some coupons!
I love coupons.
On another note, I promised Mr. Pistachio I wouldn�t contact Ann Rubin from Channel 5 until he had a chance to talk to Rodn*ey Li*ncoln�s family. I know his stepdaughter will be devastated by the news. I know she really wants to believe that her step-dad didn�t murder a woman and try to kill her little children. It�s a cold cold world, and reality really bites for her.
This little period just gives me time to digest that the hell I�ve been living in for 10 months is finally over. I can�t believe it�s over. I�m so happy and yet sometimes I just don�t feel anything. Part of me is elated and part of me is blah.
I�m numb right now. I know that this journey was meant to be for some reason, and that if anything I learned just how strong I am. I also learned how tenacious I am.
I had to bend emotionally in ways I wasn�t prepared for. I had to talk to people I�d never dream of talking to about what happened to me. This was a dirty secret I carried around with me for years and only those closest to me knew about it. I was afraid people would think there was something was wrong with me.
After years of just letting people think I was a mysteriously scarred soul, I did an interview or two about that awful day, and suddenly I was the topic of conversation at the water cooler. Weird.
People I�d never talked to here at the �government facility� would come up and find a way to strike up a conversation. Maybe out of compassion, or morbid curiosity, they�d bring up the interview.
I�d sense they had questions so I�d talk to them in ways where I could bring up what I sensed they wanted to ask me about. It was odd.
Sometimes, over the course of the past 10 months, I�d see someone staring at me and I�d wonder if they were thinking about the interview.
Or maybe they were thinking, �Gee, how fat she�s gotten on the grief and mourning diet.�
Or
�Gee, she doesn�t look like a stark raving madwoman!� since obviously victims of crime have to emerge from the ashes of their life with mental handicaps�and all.
Or
�There�s broccoli in her teeth. Should I tell her?�
Who knows what they were thinking. But I got really paranoid after the first interview. Right about then, I know this as I look back, I was running headlong into a period of mania (since I was an undiagnosed bipolar and all) and I thought I was superwoman. I felt I could do as many interviews with Ann Rubin as her little heart desired. Not that her heart is little, I mean, she�s just little. Anyway, I wanted to talk to everybody about what happened to me all those years ago. It was like I was emotionally throwing up. I was putting that which I held locked inside me in a tight little box out there for the entire world, or at least the city of St. Louis, to see and hear about.
I was manic for about 4 months. I felt like I was on top of the world.
Oh, but the crash was bad. By September I felt like the results of the DNA review should�ve come out already. There seemed to be no end in sight. I became deeply depressed.
I was instantly sobered up to the possibility that this wait might not be over for a long time.
In the middle of all of this, my best friend Salsalita was planning her wedding. I didn�t want to burden her with my pain and hurt, so I kept it inside. Her happiest times were my hardest times, and I had to smile through my pain.
I feel bad that I may have cast a shadow on her happiness. I love Lisa dearly and will support her in whatever she does. Maybe my sadness cast doubts on her relationship, but I hope not. I know she married Doug because she�s crazy about him and I feel bad if I, instead of acknowledging my fear, projected my feelings onto her impending marriage.
I love you Lisa, dearly, and I�m sorry if I made your happy times a little sad.
We know what happened in September. I think it was a nervous breakdown. Part of it was those scary feelings that Rod*ney Linc*oln was in the room with me, or behind me, or watching me.
There�s really no comparison, and yet, this is the one thing I can say that might shed some light on the feeling of intense fear I had.
Jews who had been in concentration camps suffered most likely from a Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after they were liberated by the allies. I�m very sure that in nightmares, in the daytime even, they might�ve been seized by an irrational but real fear of being victimized again. You learn to never bet on happiness because of the bad things that can happen.
War veterans deal with the same issues. It just takes a single event to throw them emotionally and mentally back into their past, where it was very terrifying and real. You leave your current reality, and your fear becomes a real moving landscape and you are in the trenches fighting for your life.
Sometimes, I could feel Rodn*ey Linc*oln�s presence. It felt very mean, dark, and deadly. I sometimes say that true evil is something rarely experienced. I can�t describe to this day what it was really like to be in the presence of someone so evil. After all these years, I still haven�t forgotten what it�s like to be in the eerie coldness of his presence. True evil is scary. A person that could knife two children and brutally murder their mother is evil.
Now that I�m better and on medication and after having survived 10 long months of waiting to see if Rod*ney gets out of jail, I�m not scared anymore. I�m a little angry if anything.
I�m angry when I think about what he took away from me. He has a parole hearing in the next couple of years. I�ll be there with bells on.
I�ve also learned to be thankful for the beautiful things God has given me. I think that suffering has made me grateful for what I do have.
Maybe that�s what life is about. Learning to be thankful for the sunny days because you�ve had so many rainy ones.
09:23 - Wednesday, Mar. 31, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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