I am suffering from a severe lack of emotion lately. I don�t feel a lot about anything. I wonder if it�s a side effect of Prozac.
On the other hand, I don�t miss being an emotional train wreck either.
I talked to my Aunt Frannie on the phone last night. She mentioned the DNA review.
�I just wish they could tell us something!�
�Me too. I told them that this year has been something out of �Twilight Zone� for us.�
It sucks. It was supposed to be six weeks. Now we are going on to 9 months. Waiting. Wondering. Agonizing. I know for my family that the fear hovers in the shadows. Watching.
I�m tired. Tired of waiting. My life has been at a standstill since all of this began. My coping methods have changed and adapted over the months, but I don�t feel like I can heal until we get the results back.
So many things I want to do, and yet I feel myself weighed down by the possibility that my attacker and my mother�s killer will walk free. I�ve given almost a year to this. I�m not scared, but I�m wary. Wary. Weary. What�s the difference? I�m just trying to say I feel like an old soul.
I wrote a letter to one of the detectives that worked on my mom�s homicide. It was in the newspaper that he was retiring. I took the opportunity to catch up with him.
He�s like a Dad to me.
February 10, 2004
Dear Joe,
This letter is so long overdue. I�m very sorry.
I wanted to write and say hello. I heard you were retiring. Congratulations! A lot of people in this city, Bill (Post Dispatch) included, think you are such an awesome guy and a great cop. I think they�re going to be lost without you.
What are you going to do with yourself now?
I�m not very good at showing my feelings, but I want you to know that your good deeds you performed in my life were appreciated. If I asked you to help me you did. In some ways you were like a father to me. You were one of the few good men I knew, and I felt like if you were a good guy, then there must be other good guys in the world too. It helped me to not be afraid of men.
You, and Carl Rambo, and Joe Boohauer showed me what a man is supposed to be like. I held all men in my life to that same standard. In my lifetime, I�ve only met a few that measured up to you. I think you are a wonderful person and a good man.
Thank you for all the wonderful things you have done for me.
I wanted to tell you that I finally went to the doctor. I�d been very emotional since I found out about Lincoln�s DNA case. More importantly, I realized that I had behaved the same way whenever I felt threatened or scared in my life. I�ve also grappled with debilitating depression most of my life.
I was diagnosed as a bipolar or manic-depressive. I guess I thought I�d get away scot-free without serious emotional scarring, but unfortunately I was impacted by it. I�m not sad about my diagnosis anymore, I know now that there is a name for what I feel.
I�m on medication now and my life is starting to balance again. I�m finally finding my equilibrium restored and I feel positive about the future. The best part is, I don�t cry anymore when I talk about what happened. One tear maybe, but not much else.
There is hope for people like me who�ve been a victim of crime. There�s hope now for my future. I want Lincoln to stay where he is, but not because I�m afraid. I want him to stay there so he won�t hurt another person the way he hurt my family and me.
God bless you for sticking by my family. I know that they are strange and sometimes weird, but I also think they�re a product of what horrors they�ve known. I don�t judge them anymore. I understand them so much better since the news of the DNA review. We�ve talked a lot about what happened and I understand that they have just done their best to get by. Sometimes your best isn�t the right or healthy way, and I think they�re realizing that.
You take care of yourself.
With much love,
Melissa
14:05 - Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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