Today I can tell that there is a light at the end of the road. My thoughts aren�t racing and I don�t feel the need to obsessively document my every thought. I guess that maybe I�m healing a bit.
The Victim�s Services Lady emailed me back and told me that what was most important was taking care of myself. I guess from experience she knows that families of victims of homicide suffer immensely when stuff like this happens. She also noted that the lawyer would be able to see me soon. That�s all I know, which is more than I knew on Wednesday, so I should be thankful.
I�m supposed to go see my Grandma this weekend but I probably won�t make it. I saw her last weekend and I cleaned her house. The thought of driving through RamsFans and getting stuck in traffic while hundreds of people cross the street doesn�t appeal either. That�s nerve-wracking; I�m always scared I�ll hit somebody. I mean, these people do not look before they run across the street, you know. This ain�t the plains of North Dakota, it�s downtown St. Louis for goodness sake! You just don�t run out in traffic without looking. Criminy!
I was supposed to go to my grandma�s specifically to leave some money there. See, my cousin/sister Nicole got arrested for �assaulting� my evil step-aunt/mother Sam. Sam is a rapidly and pitifully aging evil wench who never lets an opportunity go by where she can be pitied. It makes me sick. She�s more of a victim than I�ve ever been, and she�s lived a relatively charmed life as a wife of a well-paid construction worker.
I�ve never seen someone sit on their butt with such panache, such flair. Bonbons abound! And she doesn�t clean either, the kids do it all, except Ratt, who is a 9 year old boy and all people know boys don�t do housework (yeah right). And even though she never had time to clean, she had time to cheat on Darwin for 10 years, which he recently found out about and he still stands by her. Oh, and when she actually makes dinner, she crabs about it the entire time. I cannot stand to be around such a drama queen. Worse, people tend to think if you�re ugly than you probably have a personality out of necessity. Again, this scary sea hag is as mean as a snake, no personality in sight either. I�ve seen dead light bulbs brighter than her.
It seems that the arrest of Nicole came on the heels of an argument with Sam, who, like usual, pounced on Nicole, AGAIN!
She has pounced on Nicole repeatedly for years. Oh, my God, I thought that she and Crystal did not go through what I did. I thought that by being his biological child, Nicole and Crys-tal had the upper hand. I never thought he�d abuse or allow abuse of his own kids. And even though there was obviously physical abuse, Nicole�s father Darwin never stopped Sam and always stood by her. This time, Nicole, at the tender age of 21, fought BACK, trying to get Sam off of her, and she left defensive wounds on Sam. Meanwhile, Nicole had nary a scratch. So, Nicole got thrown in the clink. How unfair! Does history count for nothing? Isn�t there a record of neglect and mistreatment at the hands of this woman?
I hate, I mean cannot stand, Sam. There are only a few people in this world I hate. Sam is the 2nd of two.
Sam, in a blind rage, came after me a few years ago too, and I threw a bottle of Dr. Pepper at her head, which halted her attempt at assault on my person. This was in June of 2000, so this was relatively recent, and thus establishes a pattern.
I hate it that Sam has made herself out to be a victim again.
Sam. The name conjures up so many unflattering but correct impressions of her. She�s slimy, sneaky, mean, hostile and hateful, spiteful and wrathful and worst of all, lacking of a conscious. She will do anything she can to move herself forward, and she will take advantage of even the smallest of folks just to make herself feel superior. If she has a soul, it�s obviously filthy.
If Sam had a conscious, she wouldn�t have denied Nicole the right to talk about her dead mother. Nicole�s mom, my aunt Rachel, died when Nicole was 5 years old. My uncle/dad married Sam a month after Rachel died, and from then on, we were all prohibited from speaking about Rachel. You would�ve thought she�d committed suicide or run away with the mailman instead of dying of a cerebral hemorrhage.
Sam only feels sorry for herself when things don�t go her way.
Years of pain for Nicole erupt last week in hag-on-girl action. I feel sorry for Nicole. Our family talks about helping her pay for her lawyer, but we are all broke. So, we all decide to come up with $20.00 each and send it to her. It�ll pay half of his $700.00 fee.
They, my momma�s family, talk about gathering at Grandma�s to send the money off on Sunday. However, none of them have to come through downtown traffic and RamsFans to do so. I do. So, I send mine off in the mail today.
I write Nicole this letter and shove $20.00 in the envelope. I hope that the letter boosts her spirit and that she can use the money. It is but a mere pittance, but it seem her attorney is willing to work for a fraction of his usual fee.
09 January 04
Dear Nicole,
Hi Sweetheart. I�m hoping this won�t get there too late. I know what it�s like to be in a bind and need money. Seems God has always made sure I had enough to get by with this job and my friend Rene�, who is always there for me. I think your family will do the best they can to help you out too.
I know the family is very upset that this has happened. Of course you know that we�re not mad at you. Anyone with a brain would know that this is a result of years of emotional abuse at the hands of Sam. Since you don�t like to gossip I�ll do it for you: Sam is an ignorant, sad person who rarely passes up an opportunity to be a martyr or a victim. She has done a lot of ignorant things over the years to me, and Renee, and you. And I�m really mad at Darwin because he�s supposed to be a man and yet he let her run things and always has.
I�m the kind of parent who knows it�s in my own interest and my daughter�s that I see her side of things. That�s my job as her mom. I don�t know why your Dad has let Sam help him run off all of his kids. I don�t know why he�s continued to stick by her after all the things she�s done to him. I don�t know why he lets her get away with the most obviously awful things that she does to you and Crys-tal. He never let me get away with a thing I tell you.
I myself might�ve reconciled with him were it not for Sam. I got sick of the negative and snarky comments always coming from her. I can live without the sarcasm and the barely concealed contempt that she has for a lot of people, including those she�s supposed to love. I can do without wondering if Sam is talking about me behind my back as she does even her closest friends and family.
I think Nicole, that this time in your life is supposed to be about rising above the negative and sad things in your life and living life as a person who�s making her own way with God�s guidance. You are lucky enough to have a strong faith and I think it�s going to ease the pain for you. Man will fail you, quite often, but the good Lord above is always with you, even when you fall short. I guess I want you to know that whatever it was that happened, that because of the life you�ve lived of obedience that I believe you will do well and prosper. I believe that your Mom Rachel has been watching over you too. Your mom, I�m sure, is very proud of the person you are, Nicole. You grew up in an atmosphere of negativity and hatred and yet you are a pretty meek spirit. You�ve not let the dirtiness of the world sully you. You�ve not let you soul be stained by hatred, you don�t hate the world, and you try to see the best in every person, even people like Sam who don�t seem to have at all a good side. I know it takes a strong woman to be like you, Nicole. I am very proud of you for choosing the right most of your life. I think God will reward your dedication, whatever church you may attend.
I wasn�t there for you most of your life Nicole. When I ran away, I was scared and couldn�t live another day being hit by Darwin. I felt like I didn�t have a choice, but I felt horrible leaving you when you were just 8 years old. A big sister would certainly have made your way easier. It seems though that you did just fine. I�m pretty proud too that you stand up for yourself. There�s not much wrong with that, if you ask me. God told me to love one another, but nowhere in the Bible does it tell me to be a doormat. You don�t have to let people run over you. You have to be strong and resilient, and I think that�s what you are.
Don�t lose faith in yourself either Nicole. We all love and cherish you and yes too, Crys-tal, we haven�t forgotten her either. We are not perfect but we do know how to love. You being around has been a healing experience for your mom�s siblings. You don�t know how precious it is to have a little bit of Rachel around; she was adored and loved by her family. You are the spitting image of her.
Anyhoo, I hope this little bit of money helps. I�ll try to send more if I have some left over after I pay my bills.
Love,
Missy
I feel sorry for Nicole. I know what it�s like to feel like you are not wanted, and don�t fit in with, your family. Darwin and Sam were the only parents that she could ever remember, and I think Darwin just took over mistreating Nicole when Renee and I ran away.
That poor child. I think it�s good however that she got to know her mom�s family when she turned 18. And she really needs someone now, and we�re here for her. I think that it must feel good to get that love after not knowing it most of your life. It�s almost like you�re waking up for the first time in your life. That�s how I felt when I ran away from Darwin�s and came back to St. Louis in December of 1989. It was like the wool fell from my eyes, and I could finally see. The world was made anew.
12:51 - Friday, Jan. 09, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
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