I feel awful for feeling this way, but I have a hard time stifling this sort of irritation.
I don�t know what to say to Cinders right now. She�s getting to be one of the people I dread talking to because money always becomes a topic whenever we speak. Or the lack thereof of money is more like it.
I know she is just venting, but a little part of me is suspicious that she�s trying to get me to give her money just because. I know I should want to give her money because of what she�s done for me, but I really don�t have a lot to spare, not without impacting me and Jackie�s lifestyle.
What I mean by lifestyle is being able to pay my rent, car payment, electric, phone and food. And occasionally I get her some nice clothes and a few toys.
We don�t go to the movies, hardly ever. We don�t take trips. We don�t have an extravagant elegant wardrobe.
We are just maintaining our lifestyle.
I also guess I�m mad because Cinders seems to think that I owe her money. I know that I don�t.
I eventually gave her $80.00 for a cheap down comforter that she bought and didn�t like a long time ago. She hounded me for a few months even though I told her I didn�t have the extra cash to pay her for it. To shut her up I finally gave it to her.
I don�t like for there to be uncomfortable-ness between us.
Now, she�s forgotten that I paid her. This was over and done months ago, that�s why I forgot about it. My mind marked the debt to Cinders as paid and it was filed away.
It makes me want to scream. It seems like everywhere I turn it�s another person or thing, or opportunity for my money to be sucked out of my hands.
It�s probably just an innocent mistake but I�m irritated.
I feel like an ATM machine that doesn�t charge fees.
It makes me want to stick to myself again for a while. I mean, I know I don�t owe Cindy money. I know I paid her.
Sadly, I also know that my memory really sucks and I can�t pinpoint exactly when I paid her, but I know I did. And hey, when I treat you to dinners every time you come visit does it mean nothing? How about all the times I bought things for you?
I don�t do it just so I can say that I could, but obviously she feels what I did was a gift and what she gave me was not. We need to be a little more assertive I guess.
Does Cindy understand that I have a child to raise? That yeah, her Dad sends me a check but it�s 20 days late every month and by the time I get it, I�ve already borrowed from Mr. Rene� so I gotta pay him back? I got a decent job but I get taxed all to hell. That if I make so much money, why don�t I wear designer clothes and go on vacations? Because I don�t have that much dispensable cash, is why.
It�s expensive when you live on your own, Ma.
I don�t have anyone to share rent, food, car, electric, phone, and living expenses with. You do. Even though you are all struggling, I am too.
Once upon a time, I bought a car from Enterprise. My sister Maggie had to loan me $1000 dollars to put down, and Enterprise gave me $1200 on my trade-in. The first few times I paid Maggie, I paid her in cash. She finally told me to stop giving her bills because she kept spending the cash. So I gave her checks or money orders from then on.
I paid what I could, but finally, I knew I was down to $150.00 and I was very happy about that. Then, I hit a rough spot. Right around the time I hit the rough spot, Cinders called. I didn�t know the exact amount I owed Maggie, so I asked Cinders to find out for me so I knew the exact amount to pay.
She called me back the next day and said, �You owe $350.00�. I was agape. There was no way, and I told her that. Cinders said, �Well, she�s got all the checks and money orders written down here and that�s what it adds up to.� I didn�t have the nerve to tell her about the first few cash payments, maybe I should have.
I haven�t paid since. I feel bad. I hit a lot of rough spots this year. Maggie always tells me not to stress about it. She doesn�t seem to be stressing over it.
And now Cindy�s bringing up what I owe Maggie again. I don�t know what to say. I do owe $150.00, not $350.00. I am going to pay that $150.00. But not a penny more. And if I do, it�s out of gratitude to Maggie.
And now Cindy�s acting like I owe her money too, when I don�t. What kind of Mom asks you for money for something she hates and can�t use?
Cinders, that�s who. I�m surprised her toilet paper roll doesn�t have a coin slot marked 10 cents a sheet.
Geez.
So, last time I talked to Cinders I told her I�d try to pay back some of the money on Christmas. She said, �Well, you�re going to give a separate amount for Christmas and for what you owe us, right?� What do I look like, a friggin bank?
No, I�m giving you one amount because that�s all I have. Use it for what you want, I don�t care if you wipe your butt with it. After all the grief you�ve given me I should be charging you.
I�m just mad. When Cinders comes down, she wants me to call Mr. Sweatpants so he�ll take us to dinner. That�s not right. I don�t see Rene� that way.
I�m just mad.
Very mad.
I hate talking about money.
I just want to pay that money back and be done with ever having borrowed from them again.
Sigh.
Maybe I should start charging Cinders for using electricity when she comes to visit. Or maybe she should have to pay me when she does that embarrassing thing that she does every time we go out to eat. Yeah, the thing that my friend Rene�, and Lisa, and Doug has all seen her do that mortifies me. We�ll just call it �The Souvenir Act� and you�ll know what I�m talking about.
I don�t know why people think I make good money. I work for the government, and believe me; you pay emotionally for a good paycheck. It�s making me feel like I�m wasting my life.
This place is full of slimy soul suckers.
Money. I�m sick of talking about it.
I�m sick of other people always trying to get their hands on mine.
I�m really sick of people thinking Rene� and Mr. Moody are banks for their own personal use. I�m sick of people trying to dupe them out of their money. Most of all, I�m sick of people living beyond their means and expecting me or one of the boys to clean it up.
I�m no angel with my money. I admit it, I fall short a lot. But I�ve put in my time with Rene� and he trusts me. Lisa has put in her time with Mr. Moody, and he trusts her.
Mr. Moody and Rene� are entitled to their money, and I just wish people would keep their paws out of their bank accounts, ain�t that right Salsalita? Aren�t you sick of people trying to get money from Mr. Moody just because he has it?
14:52 - Monday, Dec. 01, 2003
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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