Please, don�t call me mentally �ill�. I am affected by a vicious disorder that I did nothing to bring on. It eats at your soul like you wouldn�t believe. It ruins your relationships, stalls your career, and affects every part of your life. Never for a minute can you forget you are saddled with such an evil incurable disease.
Don�t call me �cruel�. I don�t mean to be. It�s not intentional. I would never intentionally hurt another person, physically or emotionally.
Don�t call me �crazy�. People called me that when I told them about the attack. People said that when I said I was �molested�. Crazy isn�t funny to me anymore.
Don�t call me a �ditz� when you ask me about something that happened a while ago and I give you a blank look. It�s not that I don�t want to remember, I just can�t. Whole parts of my life have disappeared over the years. While I know you�ve brought me happiness..I just can�t recall it.
Be there for me.
I want to be there for you.
If you get mad at me, please forgive me.
I�d rather you don�t be mad at me. Try not to. I have these impulses sometimes that I can�t control. I try to control them, but if I can�t please forgive me.
Don�t give up on me. I need you. I love you. If you left my life I would be utterly devastated. You bring such a joy and light to my life.
Don�t ever take away my daughter. She is what I live for. Without her, there is nothing. She keeps me functioning well. One cannot wallow in the depths of depression for too long, when you�ve got a six year old. The world isn�t such a dark place because I have Jacquelyn.
She saved me.
I was alone before she came.
Don�t stop needing me. It hurts when you do.
At least pretend you want me around.
Don�t think I don�t love you. I do. I just suck at showing you.
Don�t forget me. I feel I can deal with dying someday if I know I�m always going to be remembered. Talk about me to your friends, to your family.
Don�t reject me. Or don�t let me think you�re rejecting me.
Don�t blame me. I didn�t ask to be Bipolar. I didn�t ask for any of this. Sometimes I feel like I won the lottery of crappy life events. It�s like this is not really my life. I keep thinking my life is going on elsewhere. This alternate universe where I have a good career, Jackie and five siblings, and a loving husband. I have a home. What happened to me didn�t impact me forever.
Instead, of course I am here fighting this illness. I�m not going to go down without a fight.
Bipolar is not going to win.
I am.
But in the meantime, don�t call me �ill�.
This is not a �germy� virus.
It�s a disorder.
I hate it.
Hate it with me.
Don�t punish me.
15:06 - Monday, Nov. 24, 2003
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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