Happy Halloween!
I�m trying to psych myself up to take Jackie out tonight. Last year, it was cold and rainy, and we ended up going to the mall. Jackie wasn�t really thrilled with that, but I didn�t want her to get chilled.
We�re going to Lisa�s tonight. I don�t have the energy to go out to Florissant tonight; so Cinders may get mad at me.
Lisa�s neighborhood is very nice, and after about 3-4 streets, the kids should be ready to go home. I�m crossing my fingers.
I love Halloween.
I know I should�ve called my family with the news that I got from Ann Rubin yesterday. I guess I was deterred knowing I�d spend the entire evening on the phone. Maybe tomorrow.
I don�t want to make anybody upset, but that�s what happens when you are a liaison between the Justice system and your family. They�ve been through so much.
My uncle Dan, who was the closest to my mom, is suicidal. I guess this review brought back horrible memories for him. I want to help him, but he won�t answer the phone or write me back. Grandma is the only one who hears from him. I want him to know he�s not alone. But, he�s felt alone for a number of years now. Momma was his best friend too, and when she died, it was like the light went out in his soul.
My Aunt Abby is asking for help. She is going to get counseling from Victims Services. We both agree that we�re fat because we love food, and food is a replacement for love. We depressed, we push others away, and then we eat. I don�t want to eat like that anymore and neither does she.
I want to be there for her too. She sounds so wounded. It�s something in her voice, I guess. My whole family, well, if you met them, you�d see the same thing in all of their eyes: intense sadness. They might be smiling, but their eyes aren�t.
My sister Renee, when I told her about the Parole Board letter, said, �I bet it was hard for you.� She did really sound like she meant that too. I told her what I said about her, and she sounded like she was going to cry. �It�s true Lissy. You didn�t lie. I really think, and I�m trying to change that, that if a man hits you he must love you.�
Renee doesn�t know about yesterday yet.
My older sister Melinda, God bless her, is in denial. I think she feels that this is something to be avoided. I can�t get it through to her that facing your fear is empowering. Of course, I didn�t clean up the crime scene, so I don�t know exactly what she saw there. I might avoid it too if I was her.
My grandma lives on faith alone. I�ve never met a person in my lifetime with more faith in God. Sometimes, growing up, it annoyed me. I thought, �How can you have faith in a god that took my mom away from us?� She�d get angry, but she wouldn�t answer me. I guess she knew that in my own time that I�d find out that I was really lucky to be alive.
Grandma�s faith helped me through other worse times too. I think, of all the things I�m grateful for, one of them is that I had a Grandma that was a Christian. She loved me, unconditionally. She never judged me. She had faith in me. And I think, that is what God�s love really is.
Grandma may have inwardly been disappointed that I never became an Apostolic, but she never let on she felt that way. She didn�t harangue me about wearing makeup, pants, or not going to her church. And she did understand that even when I went with her, it didn�t mean I was going to go hog wild running around like a crazy woman enraptured in the holy spirit. Now when I think about it, Grandma didn�t do that either.
I guess she has her own brand of Christianity. However, I like her version better than others. Unconditional love, so rare and precious.
We all deserve it.
I�m not a patient person, and I�ve never been good at waiting. This waiting has nearly driven me insane. I�m sad to say I didn�t really have the mind power to fight this DNA crap without losing myself. Lisa told me that it�s taken me over. Yeah, I guess it has. It still amazes me that I was on the brink of suicide a few months ago.
That wasn�t even me. It was the shell of a wounded and tired soul.
Somehow, I am bit renewed. Still this crap tires me out. I admit, I am a mite numb again. This really pisses me off. I was like this the time I spoke to the Circuit Attorney. Actually, I was numb until I went to see her, and then I sniveled and snotted all over the table, in front of her and six other people. It was sad. I hate to cry in front of strangers.
I try to sort out my feelings, but right now, I really don�t have any. I guess I�m not really surprised at how disappointed one can get. I thought this was almost over, but it�s not. I�ve been sad, mad, and depressed most of the year, which is a track record for me. I thought this entire time that every week that passed, I was a week closer to the results, which should come back �any day now�. It was a lie.
I�m not depressed today, maybe just a little tired. I took my sleep mask off sometime during the night. That frustrates me because it guarantees I�ll be a bit slow that day.
Thank God the grocery strike is over. I had shopping at Aldi. No offense to you bargain lovers, but I like my ingredients to be things I�ve actually heard of. No more mouse and turtle soup for me. (Well, that�s what it looks and smells like!)
Someone ghosted me today. This morning I came in to a bag of candy on my chair. And I have no idea who did it. But thanks for the sugar!
1:28 p.m. - Friday, Oct. 31, 2003
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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