I've been thinking about my diagnosis a lot. There was a guy on 48 hours yesterday who lost his family due to a situation as similiar as mine. He also has psychiatric issues. I don't feel so silly now.
More than one person has said to me that they are surprised I didn't develop multiple personalities or worse. I think, what can be worse than being a manic depressive? But then, I still have contact with reality..and maybe those with multiples don't sometimes. I should be grateful that this is a workable disease.
I slept well again last night. Is it because I finally know what's wrong with me? It's sort of a relief, that I might be able to get back to being me. The me that existed a hundred pounds ago, the capable strong me that existed in the military. Not the sad one who exists now. Not the one who cries all the time.
I told Rene' that sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of a tunnel. I see happy people walk by. I hear laughter, animation, joy. I see smiles. I can't touch it, but I see interaction with other human beings. I see my daughter. And then I think about me. The me who wants to do well, to prosper, to excel but doesn't have the strength or the clarity of mind to do so.
I told my doctor, I'm afraid of what I'll be like if I lose all this weight, if I'm not depressed, if I've dealt with my issues..will I be a different person?
I have to be brave though. I have a daughter to raise.. and there's a small matter of this little girl inside me that desperately needs to grow up.
See, that little girl has been trapped in that dark, bloody, scary place for 21 years. She has been scared, hurt, bleeding and she is dying on the outside as well as the inside very slowly. Her mother is still dead, a few feet away. Won't someone help them?
That little girl needs to be able to kiss her mom goodbye and take herself and her little sister out of that scary house and leave it behind.
She needs to live because she DESERVES it. How come she always feels like she did something wrong and is paying for it? What did she do to deserve this?She needs to grow up and move on. I can't move on until she does. It sounds crazy but part of me is still seven years old and can't accept my mother is gone.
I want to grow up and move past that day. I think I can do it. Let's pray that I don't give up.
8:06 a.m. - 2003-09-18
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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