My adopted mom Cinders came to visit this weekend. I felt sort of bad because like usual I didn�t have any money. Thanks to my ex who�s late with his support, AGAIN.
Anyway, Cinders and I talked about a lot of things. She sometimes has a hard time understanding me, and the way I live my life. It�s not that it�s unusual, but that it�s annoying for her.
When I�m mad, angry, pissed, or confused, I just retreat into my own environment. My home is the only place that�s truly safe, because I can�t tear me down and no one else can either.
Mom doesn�t understand why I retreat for so long. She takes it personal; I guess it�s hard not to when you haven�t seen your grandchild for 5 months. I think I�d be mad or hurt too.
I explained to her that I just get tired of saying the same thing over and over, which is, �no news� and �I�m sad, mad, pissed� whatever. She says, who cares just let me know you�re okay.
We did agree that we�d talk about it. Mom still does things that puzzle me and baffle me, but that�s her. As long as she�s not hurting herself or anyone else, I guess I can just distance myself from that behavior.
Monday, I was feeling like toasted, well, me. Jackie and I woke up stopped up. Our noses were very stuffy. We lay in bed for 20 minutes debating if I should go to work and she to school. In my germed dementia, I thought it would be okay, but now I know that the full scope of the cold hadn�t descended upon me yet.
I went to work, Jackie schlepped to school. I sat at my desk feeling like hammered crap for four hours until the school nurse called me.
�Ms. D,� she said in her brisk nursey voice, �Jackie is sick. She has acked. She has crud. Come get her, stat!� I quickly shut off my PC�s, asked permission from my bosses and left, and sprinted, tripping occassionally, in the direction of the door. I stumbled out of the building I work in and face, oh no, full sunlight. If you�ve ever had a cold in the summer, you know that heat makes it 50 times worse.
Finally, I make my way to Jack�s school, and as I enter into this house of knowledge, I hear acking, and I know Jackie has lost her lunch. Indeed, she comes into view as I round the corner. She doesn�t even look up at me as I enter the office and sit down next to her. �Poor boo,� I say as I lovingly stroke her little blonde head. She acks again, and the nurse fills me in on all the acking. She acked on her desk and grossed out the other kids. She acked in the hall, and she has acked in the nurses office.
Little Jackie lifts her head up and, her big blue eyes all teary, tells me she wants to go home, now. So, when she feels a bit better, I take her by her little hand and lead her out to the car.
She pats my arm as I strap her in and tells me that she feels better.
But she acks in my car a few minutes later.
Ew. I know this is her sinuses. She always gets like this when they really start bothering her. She�s also breathing a little heavily.
I get her home, strip her down to her skivvies and put her in the recliner. She proceeds to fall asleep for 4 hours. I knew it would be too late to take her to Medstop (an urgent care center by my house). So, hoping that this would go according to prior experience, I would let her sleep as long as she wanted.
She woke up fine and dandy, except I was feeling like crapola. Now my sinuses were afire.
But Jackie didn�t care because she was better. Yippee.
I found out yesterday, Tuesday, that Jackie has asthma. I knew it, but I couldn�t find a doctor that would listen to me. When I reminded them I had it when I was a kid, my mother had it, my Grandma has it�no one listened. They said Jackie was inhaling whatever her allergen was. But I go through great strides to purify her environment and it�s not helping.
Because of her cold and her breathing, we call the family practice doctor I chose 4 months ago. Amazingly, the nurses said they were able to fit us in within an hour.
Did I mention we picked a new doctor? Meow! Short brown hair, baby blues, and a cutie, built like a young studious Santa Claus.
Hello, eye candy! Hello, it�s time for my yearly physical. Hello, can I have your children?
But, this was not about me. It�s about Wacky.
She�s now on inhalers and Singulair and is already feeling better. The doc new right away she had asthma.
Next week, I have an appointment to discuss my depression, my allergies, and my thyroid.
Do you think he�ll stick me? I hate shots.
I decided to make peace with that neighbor of mine from Bosnia, Ahmad. It�s not that I want to kiss his butt, it�s not that I�m afraid of him. It�s because I don�t want to be responsible for making other people have a bad day. He probably thinks we hate him because he�s Bosnian, but that�s not the case.
Occasionally, I run across people that will never like me no matter what I do. It happens, but I really don�t need any more enemies. The few I have, Rodn*ey Lin*coln, my step-ma Sam, SwampMama from upstairs, Lisa the bull dyke from high school..they�ll stay there, but everyone else doesn�t have to.
I think he was surprised but happy. I know that because of my job I have to be wary of foreigners, but nothing says I can�t be pleasant. So, I shook hands with him, we both said sorry, and that we�ll try to talk differences out.
I�m starting to think in my life that I�m reaping what I�ve sowed. Most of my life I�ve been very lucky to have good friends. I�ve also had some devastating things happen. Loss of a parent, near death experiences for myself, abuse from people who were supposed to love me, abandonment, disappointments. Everyone has them. I just think I�ve had more than my fair share, for someone my age anyway.
Sometimes, I�ve done mean things to people, knowing what I was doing. And then I�ve had terrible things happen to me later.
What goes around, comes around. The past few years of my life I�ve tried to be someone of strength, compassion and virtue. I�ve tried to �do the right thing� by people, and then have been frustrated when others didn�t see life the exact same way.
At the same time, I�ve tried to aid people if they needed help. I didn�t consider that maybe I should think about if someone needed to fight that battle themselves.
People aren�t on a pedestal anymore in my life. I�ve come to accept others as human, and yet I�m still surprised of the absolutely cold and callous fashion that people treat one another. It still shocks me when someone shoots up a store, or plows into a crowd, or drives their family into a lake, or they kill their family and then themselves. I�m still shocked by 9/11. Part of me is an innocent child who cannot comprehend the atrocities we commit against one another. �tis love that makes the world go �round.�
12:34 p.m. - 2003-09-10
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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