I believe I�ve touched on occasion, the subject of my baby sister Renee. But even so, there�s a lot that I haven�t talked about with her. She�s 25 now, but to a lot of us she�ll always be four.
I�ve you�ve read anything I�ve written lately, you probably recall the details of the murder and our attack. You know what happened to her that night. She was four years old.
The following discussion may not make much sense, but we were constantly interrupted by our kids and sidetracked.
Renee and I were happily living with Aunt Rachel and Uncle Derwin after Mama was gone. Renee was a sullen, stubborn pouty kid most times and Aunt Rachel accepted that that was who she was and loved her dearly anyway. That�s what we�re all supposed to do with children. Kids aren�t carbon copies of us and shouldn�t be expected to be like us.
After Aunt Rachel died, the real hell began with Darwin, who spent the next three years punishing us for being born, punishing us for being orphans and punishing us for being kids.
When Derwin used to beat Renee I used to curl up and cry. I would sob, as she would scream. If you can imagine a grown man using a thick belt with metal balls on it, beating a child with his full strength. He hit her on the legs, back, and shoulders. He�d pull her hair and slap her. He did the same to me, sometimes afterwards, but it never hurt me the way it hurt me when he�d beat Renee. Renee never really knew what she did most times, and even if she did, it wasn�t something that merited that.
Sometimes, I�d get sick of it and barge in there and tell him to stop it. That was hard for me because I was terrified of him, but even if he turned on me I just wanted him to stop hurting her because it was causing me intense emotional pain. I wanted to protect her.
After we ran away for Darwin�s and came back to Missouri, we moved in with our Uncle and his wife. They tried really hard to take care of us, letting us be teenagers, etc. But they were 28 years old and it was too hard for them. So, we moved out. It was so disappointing to lose yet another home.
So, I moved in with my sister Melinda and Renee moved in with our Aunt Fanny and Uncle Barry, parents of Jackie and Jeffrey. I was 16, Renee was 14. Fanny and family are good people now, but it was a dysfunctional family.
Living with Melinda didn�t work because me and her hot-tempered Cuban husband Juanito fought all the time. I thought he was an obnoxious old-fashioned pig. He thought I was a fast little girl.
When I lived with Melinda the state of Missouri actually had custody of me. That was one miserable arrangement because the social worker was up my butt all the time.
I talked to Renee last night because she is really angry and really hurt over a lot of things. She talks a lot about all the people that have sh*t on her. She talks about the fact that people have taken advantage of her. She also talked about the betrayal of domestic abuse. I listened quietly while she ran down the list of people who have hurt her in some way. She mentions those in our family that she�s had words with. She cries; she is so sad. I try to listen.
I mention to her that I�d rather die than sit by and let someone hit on her. She mentions the paralysis that occurs when someone hits her. She says, �I always thought that I�d knock the hell out of someone who hits me, but I just froze when Tommy and Terry did it.� She doesn�t know why she freezes up.
I told her that this had happened to Mama too, when Mama was married to Melinda�s daughter. But that Mama got tired of it and wasn�t afraid of men after that. Renee said she�s done with people hitting on her.
Tommy guilt trips Renee frequently. She mentions that I told her that if she wasn�t going to be with Tommy then to do it �the right way� meaning, legal divorce. She said that�s always stuck in her head. I knew that if she got a legal divorce then he couldn�t hold anything else over her head. He likes to control her with guilt.
I told Renee that we�ve lived our lives by guilt and it�s time to stop, Today. I mention we�ve all done stupid things, but you shouldn�t spend the rest of your life apologizing for it. That the difference between her and Tommy is that she did stupid things and she told him. He did stupid things and he didn�t tell her anything. Quite frequently he throws the content of these confessions back at her. He�s getting away scot-free.
She says, softly sobbing, that sometimes she wants to throw in the towel. That she�s tired of raising babies and that Tommy doesn�t help her at all. I ask her again to consider moving back so that I can help. She says, she hates St. Louis. I tell her I can�t do a lot from here, and that she�ll always feel somewhat alone and overwhelmed then if she doesn�t have help.
I tell her, �Renee, you�re strong. I admire that. You don�t take no crap off nobody� which was probably the wrong thing to say because she looked at me wearily and said, �I�m tired of being strong. How about when I feel weak?�
I knew exactly what she was talking about because when I was a kid I felt I had to be strong for everyone else, while everything was really mixed up in my head. I say, �Sissy, being strong is a lot of responsibility to put on somebody. I�m sorry. Nobody feels strong all of the time. I have my bad days too. You just hope for the better times.�
She feels she has nothing to look forward to.
I tell her gently that we�ve all made mistakes. That being angry all the time only makes YOU tired because you�re the one who�s upset. The person who made you upset doesn�t know about it because, in effort to avoid and argument, you don�t say anything. So it�s bottled up inside.
That anger causes physical illness, depression.
I ask her if there�s someone she can talk to when something�s bothering her. She said I�m the only one. She feels that she�s there for a lot of other people but they aren�t there for her. She feels alone in all of this. She�s sad that Mama isn�t here.
She has a lot of responsibility on her shoulders because Tommy is so lazy, and volunteers her a lot for projects and babysitting. He really needs to get out of her house, that bastard.
I told her now is the time to put her foot down because she�s the only one that�s going to take care of her.
We talk about her self-esteem. That she feels ugly and undesirable because Tommy is always looking at half-naked women. I remind her, that our confidence should come from the inside, not the man. You shouldn�t have to wait on validation from a man. That you are a survivor.
*That if you could see yourself through my eyes, (I say this to her, lip trembling, while blinking back huge tears) you�d never doubt yourself again. That if you could love yourself the way I love you, you�d never feel alone either.
Renee mentions that a lot of people send their kids over to her house to play. Do none of these people feel bad?
She ends up feeding them and giving them drinks. She�s practically babysitting for free and that her soon to be ex doesn�t bother telling the kids no, nor does he do dishes, laundry or pick up after himself.
I tell her that she needs to put her foot down. She�s expecting a newborn baby anyday now, and she can�t be taking care of other people�s kids and Tommy is quite capable of helping.
Renee is mostly a very sad person.
I tell her �Look sissy. You got a whole wonderful life ahead of you! If you spend it being sad and angry then Rod*ney Linc*oln will have done what he wanted to do, kill us inside and out. Life sucks sometimes.�
She says, �What do I have to look forward to? I can�t see myself in five years. I have nothing to show for my life.�
I say, �I can�t see myself either. But you have two very healthy kids, a home, and a car. You�re a great mother.�
�Melissa, I�m tired of raising kids. I sure wish someone would�ve sat me down and told me how hard it is to raise them. I wouldn�t have done it.� Now she�s mad at Aunt Fanny.
�Well, you�re better than me Renee because someone did sit me down and I still did a lot of stupid stuff. Really, the blame rests on us for our actions.� Wrong thing to say. She�s mad now. She snorts, �Well, I hold a lot of resentment toward Fanny. She was the one who was supposed to tell me about life, sex, kids�.
I mention that that�s the way Aunt Fanny was raised. It�s not an excuse however it�s an explanation. Aunt Fanny probably doesn�t even know this is what she did wrong.
I wish they�d talk.
I ask Renee if there�s anything she can do to get it all out, this anger. She says talking about it causes fights so that�s out. Personally, I think talking is the best for it, but that�s my opinion. I mention writing letters and tearing it up. She nixes that. I mention calling somebody. She looks at me like, �this is so much bigger than me.�
I�ve mentioned counseling before. No response.
We both know that when someone steps over the line and threatens us that there is a chance that we could lose our temper and hurt someone. Not our kids of course, other adults. I�m afraid she�ll lose her temper with someone.
The people that really deserve Renee�s wraith don�t get it. Instead, she takes it out on those who do love her. The only people she really lets in are her kids and I.
I told her that being angry is not a way to live a life.
I really try to point out the good things in every day life. I try to be positive.
***Oh, the heat has finally let up! After a week of 100 plus degree heat, a petite flower like myself was withering away. I have been really crabby lately and I don�t know whether to attribute it to the heat or month-long PMS.
9:43 a.m. - 2003-07-10
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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