******Sorry, I had to append to this.
Rene' got mad at me last night because of chicken soup. Chicken soup with rice. Gross. Oh yeah, that was fight-worthy.
Rene' got mad at me because while he was studying (he's working on his Master's Degree) he asked me if I would heat up his soup. "Of course, darling" I say and I dump it into a bowl and put it in the microwave. After all, it's late and with time considerations, we gotta go the quick route. I knew he wanted me to quiz him on the material.
When he sees me putting it in the microwave, his gorgeous Mexican features full of consternation, he says haughtily: "You can't get two cans of water in it, and I'm not eating it like that." Incredulous, my mouth hangs agape and I turn to look at him because I cannot believe the way he is acting.
My daughter doesn't even do that. And now it is on. You can hear the catfight upstairs, I'm sure. I told Rene' obviously he's never had any real trauma happen to him or he'd be a little gentler with me. That he didn't explicitly tell me what he wanted and that I'm not his damn indentured servant anyway. That he could make it his damn self.
I'm telling him that when you're in other people's homes you accept their hospitality because every person does things differently. The one thing you don't do is throw a fit when things don't go your way.
I mention that there's a lot more important things in life than soup. He says, seriously, that soup is very important to him. I then tell him that he is a spoiled man and that someone told him "yes" too much when he was a kid.
It�s just amazing to me that people get so upset over very trivial things. I learned a while ago to pick my battles and to not sweat the small stuff. Soup, especially nasty chicken and rice, is small stuff.
I have lived a long life, and I can tell you that soup is not registering on my radar of important things.
And by the way, if you are always mad, angry, etc, you exact all your energy on these things, and everyday life will exhaust you. The big stuff will kick your butt. God forbid something life threatening happens. Anyway, stress can cause you to die of stress related illness, most likely, and at the very least you will make yourself sick. I passed this on to Mr. Sweatpants who poo-poo'd it with a flick of his hand.
This maddening move is typical of his behavior when he is angry. It drives me nuts.
Mr. Sweatpants (Rene�) has been acting really strange lately. I don�t know if I should contribute it to his major stresses (valid stresses) in his life or an inability to deal with the recent weirdness in mine. All I know is that he�s been pretty insensitive and I am insulted at his behavior.
Rene� hangs around some people (unfortunately they are like his family and irritatingly clannish) who are selfish and egocentrical. These unhappy people are so wrapped up in their own pathetic lives that they never stop to be thankful for what they have and they never really care too much if someone outside the family is having a rough time. They�re just a rough insensitive bunch and I find them to be very crass.
They hate me because I don�t allow people to take advantage of me. Long story but let�s just say I don�t kiss ass. That�s not my way. If I don�t like someone I just tell him or her and then avoid them. I found their treatment of each other to be mentally abusive in some situations and enabling in others.
For instance, on Easter, someone swiped a $100.00 bill from my purse. For one, it was in there I had just gotten paid and was going to send a money order to someone. The 2nd, regardless of the situation, I had known this family for 13 years and felt almost comfortable around them. Putting my purse in the purse room with all the others didn�t make me feel uneasy at all. The clincher is, that when I discovered the money missing, I called Dracula and said, �If someone finds a $100.00 bill it is mine. Please let me know if someone finds it.� See, Rene� was anxious because he didn�t want me to call and say that my money was missing; but I felt Dracula needed to know that someone was stealing in her house.
Rene� said, �I�ll give you the money, but don�t call. Just let it go�. Why the hell not? �Well, you�ll stir up stuff.� Well, gee, someone steals from me and I can�t say anything? Hell no. So I called her, Dracula, and just stated money was missing. That was more than nice, I could�ve called the police, that�s what any of them would�ve done, but I�m not a jerk.
I didn�t accuse anyone, though I knew that to get that money you had to go to the center of my bag and see that I had not only $100.00 but also $30.00 in smaller bills wrapped around it. They left the $30.00 in small bills, so I didn�t know it was gone until I went to the gas station. I suspected it was Sasquatch, who had slyly insulted me prior to that in the evening, but I had no proof.
Dracula told Mr. Sweatpants, �if she can�t keep track of her money she doesn�t need to be here�. No apology about the theft, no sympathy for me, who was out $100.00. Hello, I�m family to you people! Do you have no conscious?
This situation kind of confirmed someone had it out for me. Up until then I had put up with the nasty behavior of Lamey and Lamey�s cousin Sasquatch.
Sasquatch is not only mean, surly, ugly, manly and self-conscious, she also started a lot of nasty, deviant rumors about me and Rene� before that. Things that were not only untrue but very disrespectful of the family�s relationship with Rene�. To me it was very high school, and tired of putting up with their crap, I called Sasquatch and Rene�s goddaughter, the very spoiled Lolita, who is also, Lamey�s cousin.
Lolita hates me because she felt I was going to take the money Rene� spent on her and she would have to pay her own way. Well, damn if you�re 24 and you don�t work and don�t want to, you don�t deserve trips to Europe, you leech.
I told them I would not tolerate such deviant things being said about two very good people. That they didn�t know me and shouldn�t be judging me when I was not the one who did anything wrong and that if all they had to was make up crap about me then they needed to get a life. And then I hung up on them.
Needless to say, they were pissed.
These people, let�s called them, �The Castle�s� take up a lot of Rene�s time. I get mad because they treat him like crap and he repeatedly goes back because he doesn�t want anyone to take away the relationship with Jude, his Godson.
But I treat Rene� well. I�m considerate of his feelings, consider where he�s coming from, and try to treat him well. Because he deserves it.
But often when we fight, as we did last night, not only did I feel my feelings were not relevant or valid, but that he also could live without me.
We fought over something really stupid, and argued from 10:00 p.m. until 12:30 a.m. I end up bawling because I hate it when Rene� talks to me like I�m a child. He gets that tone of voice and it reminds me of the way my abusive uncle used to talk to me. I find myself regressing back to that state of mind as an abused person, and I find a rage starting to build up in me.
By now, Rene� had lit that torch that�s on a slow burn deep inside me. I was about to blow up and in a very eerie, low voice I told him to stop it because �you�re about to make me very mad.� And he did stop. I think he knows that I can only be insulted so many times and I get very angry.
Angry enough to lash out, which scares me because it's very primal. I haven�t done that in years and I didn�t want to do that last night. So in my nicest way, I told him to back off.
Then, I finally get to sleep, and the electricity goes out. I got up and Rene� was sleeping on the couch. I woke him up I guess by calling his name.
I told him, �Honey, all friends and couples fight. But we need to try to see each other�s side of things. And definitely the last thing I needed this week was to be on the outs with you.� I think we made up.
Today I feel worn out and tired. This whole week has been exhausting with a lot of emotional ups and downs. I�m finding that there are few that I can trust with my emotions because I don�t want to burden others.
10:57 a.m. - 2003-06-26
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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