Happy Hump-Day.
Tornadoes were everywhere last night. I�ve never in my 21, I mean, okay 28 years, seen clouds like these. It was a bizarre sight. The sky was brimming with green, pillow-like clouds. I just sat outside and watched all this happen. But strangely, up until the tornado warning, there was no wind. I was agog. Speechless. A little petrified.
And then there was the lighting. You know, the ones where God is trying to tell you something. They were very targeted strikes. Scared the crap out of me.
Uh, but even before the storm, the cable people, Charter, came and took my cable box. I lovingly ran my fingers along the buttons of the box before handing over to the repo guy. How embarrassing. Yes, times are a little hard. But, they will be better soon. Some days, I�d rather just go shopping than pay my cable bill. A little irresponsible yes, but Charter sucks anyway. I am going to pay in installments. So, because Charter also took the remote, I had to scramble to find my original remote for my TV. Oh, and bad weather everywhere and I can't find my first remote, which gives me idle hands. When there�s bad weather, I want to flip through the channels. I felt helpless. I miss MTV.
We did get a tornado warning about seven or so. Yes, last night, I ended up in my closet clutching my AWB radio, blanket over my head and getting all sorts of religion.
I said some Hail Mary�s, our fathers, sang �Mickey�, �Swing Low, Sweet Chariot� and crooned some patriotic songs for good measure. In the midst of the bad weather, I had thought to grab some catalogues just in case the roof collapsed and I needed some reading material to hold me over until they dug me out. So, I went shopping while the storm raged outside.
Thank god it blew over, because I left my shovel in the living room and there was no way I was gonna be able to dig myself out if there was a tornado. And I�m such a bad gerbil mama that I didn�t even cover up my babies cages. I�m sorry guys! I stink.
In my last entry, I was a jerk. I felt really bad about what I said about my aunt. After all, she is family. I edited that entry a little. I was harsh.
I don�t know what the problem was Monday. I was a major crab. Ms. Negativity definitely came to town. It has occurred to me that I have been way to sensitive to the changes in my environment and people around me and that I have been absorbing a lot of the tension and it�s manifesting in my thoughts and behaviors. Life is really nuts lately but the world is not coming to an end yet, according to Revelations, ha ha. Bad juju still has to happen for that to come about; it�s a process.
Some of my moodiness is due to my sensitivity to what my ex says. He really thinks he has a handle of parenting Jackie after two or so weeks.
It�s hurtful to me because it sounds like he thinks he can do a better job.
Jackie is having a good time with her dad. He�s done a few things I really don�t approve of, but they are not detrimental to Jackie, so I�m letting him figure it out himself. He seems to be thinking that Jackie had less than stellar care with me and that irritates me because his butt was nowhere to be found for four years of her life. I mean, he was in Oregon, but unlike myself he was recuperating from the accident and had already moved on in his life romantically. Many times he said he was coming to St. Louis and he never did.
Whereas he was alone and single, I was not. I had Jackie to think about and I was not going to be bringing men in and out of her life. It�s sad to think today that a man would date you just to get to your child. It�s sad to think that you can fall in love with a psycho. I mean, it happened to my mom, and my sisters. So, I was picky. The first man I seriously dated; I started dating 3 years after my divorce. And he is still around even though we are not serious anymore. That�s Mr. Sweatpants, Rene�.
So, I made sacrifices in my life, but I feel I thought things out and waited for the right time. I�m still very picky. Just to get in my door a man has to pass a two-page checklist. Rene� and my friend Joe are it. No one else, unless they�re family. I�m saving myself for the right person. That person has to be right for Jackie and me.
Shayne has pretty much, thanks to his accident, avoided parenting a toddler. He doesn�t know anything about kindergarten. He hasn�t been to the emergency room, or the dentist, or hasn�t sat in on parent/teacher meetings.
He has missed out on the agony I suffered when Jackie would cry after seeing other kids around their daddies. She was so jealous of other kids and their daddies. It really hurt her because she knew she had one and couldn�t figure out why he wasn�t around.
He doesn�t know what it�s like to work a full-time job, a part-time job, take care of a house and raise a child. He doesn�t know what it�s like to have a sleeping disorder on top of this. And on top of that, I had depression.
He doesn�t know the struggle we had. Shayne has no idea how close a family is when they have only each other. Jackie was my refuge and I was hers. We did everything together. We went to the movies, out to dinner, grocery shopping, and even slept in the same bed because we�re both scared of the dark. There�s no such thing as a solitary shower, an uninterrupted phone call, or R- rated movie marathons. When you�re sick, you�re sick together. God forbid I was sick. I still got up and took good care of my daughter.
Jackie and I started over together when I got out of the Navy. It was very difficult. We stayed with some family members before I got a good job and got our own place. It was humiliating, but humbling.
I wouldn�t have traded it for anything though. I am stronger today.
Oh, I must mention dating is hell. To go out, you have to procure a babysitter, pay them; be back at a certain time. There is always worry about the safety of the child.
If a friend or my mom watched her, it was a trek and a half just to drop her off. Then, you have to find time to return the favor somehow.
Shayne had worry free dating. I mean, he recuperated, went back to college, worked, but he wasn�t trying to raise a child while doing all of this.
And now, he has the nerve to tell me, �I was under the impression she ate a lot of junk food there.� Um, uh, no moron, Jackie wants nothing but cereal, oatmeal, ramen noodles and popcorn. No matter what I make, she doesn�t like it. She doesn�t like junk food. I can buy her a meal from any fast food chain and she�ll take one bite and ask for some maple and brown sugar oatmeal. How can he just assume that because she�s not giving him a hard time that I must�ve not been feeding her? Ooh. I�m pissed. I believe she gave me a hard time because she was testing me.
Shayne also made a comment like, �She�s got your mouth,� which conjures up a lot of weird images.
However, he insinuated that I�ve raised a junior tart. I guess he forgets that he�s not been around, because he missed all of Jackie�s antics to get male attention. And she acted that way because she didn�t have her dad around so any man in a half-block radius was fair game. She did whatever it took to get his attention, including calling him handsome and sexy. I don�t use those words in front of her to describe men. I don�t talk to men that way. Yet, he discredits what the doctor says and concludes it must be my worldliness that causes her to act that way. I�m about as worldly as any person.
I�m biting my tongue right now. I�ve done my very best and he�s started poking holes in my parenting. I guess she�s just a happy, well-mannered, sweet, caring, loving, spiritual child because she magically was born that way, not because I worked so very hard to lovingly educate her about our world, the heavens, and life itself. I don�t know how to defend myself but I will make sure he knows not to screw with me. It�s not in his best interest to piss me off right now. I am doing my very best to be civil.
9:03 a.m. - 2003-05-07
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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